


I Like Me Better

by gracedameron



Series: One of Us [4]
Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Bonding, Depression, F/M, Foster Care, Friendship/Love, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, ONE OF US IS BACK, Panic Attacks, Underage Drinking, Warnings May Change, You'll Eventually Get The Gay Ending You Want, and Spot and Race, every newsie makes an appearance or mention at some point but i don't feel like tagging them, focus on Jack and Kath, hang onto your hats and glasses here's the warning tags, picks up immediately after the first story!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:50:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracedameron/pseuds/gracedameron
Summary: Sequel to One of Us: summer doesn't bring much relaxation for Jack Kelly and his friends. This spiraled out of control, but here we go anyway!





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE LONG AWAITED SEQUEL IS HERE!! I promised you angst, so here it is. I'm going to be honest, this story is like a solid 75% angsty and I'm still working on resolving it all. So hang in there and try to enjoy! If you're worried about anything or have any questions I am more than happy to answer them, ask me here or on Tumblr (@gracetrack-higgins) and I'll let you know what to look out for!!  
> I'll be trying to post a new chapter once a week while I'm working on writing it. :) Thank you everyone who was so patient in waiting for this fic and keeps asking about it! I'm just as excited as you are!

*

Jack was riding the high of his art show for a solid week before reality reared its ugly head again. He had to choose summer courses and renew his housing (which was harder to do without Davey staying over the summer term) and then had to help Davey move the majority of his belongings out of their room, which left Jack feeling way emptier than he expected.

_“It’s only for the summer, Jackie.” Davey had reminded him as they worked on packing up his things. “And I’m just uptown. I’m not far. One subway ride and I’m back.”_

_“You’re going to stay over too, right?” Jack asked._

_“Of course. Sarah’s still here, and you know I’m going to miss you and Kath. I’ll be here all the time.”_

_“An’ you’ll facetime me?”_

_“You’re being dramatic.” Davey deadpanned._

_Jack smirked. “I am. But I’m also gonna miss ‘ya. It ain’t gonna feel the same wit’out all’a ya nerd stuff everywhere.”_

_Davey rolled his eyes and laughed. “Gee, thanks Jack.”_

_Jack laughed too._

But Jack wasn’t kidding, it _was_ going to be weird without Davey. Jack tried three unsuccessful times to get him to stay the summer session like Sarah was, but Davey insisted his parents were counting on him back at home. Jack wasn’t sure who to talk to about his existential crisis over things changing, which was a constant underlying theme of his life. He wanted to talk to Katherine, but he knew she didn’t quite understand why this was such a big deal. Why even a few months of Davey living somewhere else was freaking Jack out so badly. Why the littlest changes to his schedule kept him up at night, or why it was so hard to discuss it with others. Because Jack _knew_ he was being unrealistic. He _knew_ that Davey would come back in August and they’d still be roommates and it’d be fine. He knew that summer wasn’t forever. He knew that everything was going to work out. And he wouldn’t have to deal with the far future until he got there.

But that didn’t stop Jack from dwelling on it. And worrying about it. And staying up late thinking about it. He was so used to people leaving, or being taken away, or his living arrangement changing that this _shouldn’t_ be as upsetting as it was. But now that he wasn’t in foster care anymore, Jack really hoped he could put his past behind him. He could forget it all: the bad foster homes, the anger and resentment over past abuses, the people who left, the people who told him he’d never get anywhere or be anything, and he could move on. He was creating his _own_ life now, where he called the shots. But the more he tried to do that, the more Jack realized just how little control he had over his past coming back to bite him.

Jack tried to talk to the only person in the world who might understand his feelings about this stuff; his brother Crutchie. They weren’t _actually_ related, but of all the kids Jack had lived with and watched come and go, Charlie Morris was the only one who’d stayed. Fate seemed to continually bring them back together, and they’d lived together with Miss Medda for years by the time Jack started college. Crutchie was safety. Crutchie was his family. Maybe the only family he had, until now, where he had Katherine and Davey and the rest of their friends.

The first time Jack texted Crutchie only to get no response, he figured it was because he was busy. The second time he didn’t write back, Jack assumed his phone died. By the third and fourth times he’d texted, still with no response, Jack started to get worried. Crutchie always wrote back, usually with reassurances and smiley faces and funny stories about things the other kids in Medda’s house said or did, or something dumb that happened at high school. The pit in Jack’s stomach grew as a day and a half passed without any word back from his brother. Jack tried to convince himself that he was overreacting as he sent Medda a text about it.

_Jack: hey can you tell Charlie to text me back? I tried texting him yesterday and today and he didn’t respond_

_Medda: Are you busy? I need to talk to you_

Jack felt his heart drop.

_Jack: not busy, go ahead_

_Medda: Can I call you?_

Jack didn’t like where this was going. He swallowed hard.

_Jack: yeah_

Miss Medda was as kind as she could be as she talked to Jack over the phone, trying to be delicate.

Jack’s brain wasn’t really focusing, only pulling out Medda’s words that made him feel like throwing up.

_“Charlie’s been displaced to a different home,”_

_“I’m working with his social worker on it now, Jack.”_

_“Breathe, honey,”_

_“He’s in Snyder’s Refuge for Troubled Boys.”_

_“I’m going to fix this.”_

_He’s in Snyder’s Refuge for Troubled Boys_

_He’s in Snyder’s Refuge for Troubled Boys_

_He’s in Snyder’s Refuge for Troubled Boys_

Jack was pretty sure he wasn’t breathing as that played in his head over and over. The most abusive home he’d ever been in. The reason he’d gotten arrested as a teenager. The reason he still had nightmares. His brother couldn’t go there. He _couldn’t_.

“Why?” Jack demanded. He wanted to be mad but he was more terrified than anything. “Why’d he get placed there?”

Medda sighed sadly. It was clear this was upsetting to her too, and she didn’t want to make Jack more upset than he already was. “His social worker didn’t like that I didn’t step in to do anything when all the things happened with your school. There are no laws against anything you did, Jack. I need you to know this was **not** your fault. They’re trying to claim it’s illegal because he’s a minor, but he’s a dual enrollment college student, he did nothing wrong, and my lawyer is working on it.”

Jack swallowed.

_“I need you to know this is not your fault.”_

_Your fault._

_Your fault._

_Your fault._

_Jack it’s your fault._

Jack felt tears threatening. “Is he….” his voice cracked. “Medda…”

“Sweetie, listen to me. I’m fixing it. I just need time to work it out with my lawyer, okay? And I was going to call you tonight, I just needed to have a plan of action to tell you. He only was placed there the other day.”

Jack sniffed. “He can’t stay there. The guy who runs the house...Medda he’ll _hurt him._ ”

Medda sighed sadly. “I know honey. I’m getting him back.”

Jack wiped at his face. “Did they take his phone? Is that why he didn’t text me?”

“Probably. They’re very strict there.”

Jack sniffed again, swallowing a sob. “Yeah. I know.”

“Jack, I need you to stay calm, okay?” Medda insisted, “I’m going to fix this. You need to be patient. I’ll tell you as soon as I have more information. I need you to keep your head.”

Jack nodded, sniffing back tears. “Right. Yeah.”

“I’ll call you tonight after I meet with my lawyer, okay?”

Jack nodded again. “‘kay.”

“Love you sweetie. I’ll be in touch as soon as I can.”

Jack mumbled a “love you too” before hanging up and sitting down on his bed, trying fiercely to keep it together and failing miserably. He wiped at his face with shaky hands, listening to his heartbeat thudding in his ears. He tugged at his t-shirt and pulled it up, twisting a little to look at the mean scar on his side that ran across his back. Groaning angrily, Jack yanked his shirt back down and buried his face in the pillow on his bed, letting hot tears burn at his eyes.

He had to do something. He couldn’t let Crutchie stay there. He couldn’t let him get hurt. He had to do something.

He had to _do something._

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's right, I'm playing with the Crutchie plotline. I originally planned on putting this in One of Us with the Strike plotline, but it got too overwhelming and Jack would literally KEEL OVER from stress, so I decided to set it aside and revisit it in the sequel! So here we are! Jack is in for a VERY bumpy ride. 
> 
> Welcome to the Jack and Spot Backstory Fic!! Leave me your thoughts and prayers, hopes and dreams and whatever else in the comments. I can't wait to see what you guys think!!


	2. The Refuge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a look into Jack and Spot's Tragic Backstory^tm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the excited responses for this story!!! i'm so excited to finally be sharing it with you guys, and I really appreciate all the patience and encouragement you all show me.  
> mild abuse warnings for this chapter, if that makes you uncomfy skip past the italicized section! :)

*

_Jack glanced over his shoulder nervously._

_“Sean, you can’t do this.” he whispered warningly._

_Sean shoved his hoodie deeper into his backpack and slung it over his shoulder._

_“Watch me.”_

_“You’s gonna get caught, an’ you’s gonna get_ arrested _.”_

_“An’ that’ll be my probl’m, won’t it?”_

_“You’s abandonin’ us.”_

_Sean jabbed a finger into Jack’s chest. “There ain’t no_ us _. I’s savin’ my own skin. If you’s was smart, you’d be runnin’ too.” he whispered back harshly._

_“An’ what?” Jack hissed, “An’ let those kids starve? Let ‘em get hurt?”_

_“CPS don’t give a shit, you shouldn’t neither. These kids ain’t ya problem, Jack.”_

_“Sean…”_

_“The only guy you oughta be worryin’ ‘bout, is you.”_

_“Yeah, cuz that’s workin’ so well for you, ain’t it?”_

_Sean and Jack glared at one another for a long time. Sean broke his gaze first, shaking his head and looking away._

_“‘m real sorry, Jack. I’ll see ya.”_

_Jack glanced behind him as he heard footsteps down the hallway. He would’ve closed the door, but there wasn’t one. When he looked back, Sean was halfway out the window on the fire escape._

_“Wait,” Jack insisted, grabbing Sean’s sleeve before he took off down the metal staircase. “Be safe.”_

_Sean nodded. “Yeah. You too.”_

_Jack closed the window as silently as he could, trying to pretend like nothing happened when_ he _came into the room. Snyder frowned angrily, jabbing a finger at Jack, who still stood a little too close to the window._

_“Did you open that window?” Snyder demanded, and Jack shook his head, not daring to speak._

_“Where’s Sean?”_

_Jack shrugged. “Doing his chores, sir.”_

_“Bullshit.” Snyder slapped Jack across the face. “Where’s Sean?”_

_Jack swallowed but didn’t answer._

_“WHERE IS HE?” Snyder bellowed, making Jack flinch._

_“Doing his chores, sir.” he repeated, firmer, not looking in the man’s eyes._

_Snyder grabbed Jack by his t-shirt, yanking him close and snarling._

_“You helped him run away?” Snyder demanded, firm grip around Jack’s throat. “Lie to me again, kid. See what happens.”_

_Jack swallowed, trying not to let the fear in his eyes show. He didn’t say anything, but that was enough for Snyder. He shoved Jack to the ground and lifted the leather belt in his hand above his head, lowering it to strike-_

Jack’s eyes blinked open and he sat bolt upright in his bed, chest heaving, sweat dripping down his face.

“Fuck.” he muttered, wiping at his face with shaking hands. He glanced across the room to Davey, who was still sound asleep. Jack quietly slipped from his bed and went into the bathroom to splash some water on his face and clear his head. Three nights of the same nightmare. Three nights of stress and worry over his brother. Three nights of nonstop memories of the worst place he’d ever lived. And he couldn’t take it anymore. So he texted the only person who understood.

_Jack: are you up_

_Spot: playin video games what do you want_

_Jack: we need to talk_

_Spot: are you breaking up with me…………_

_Jack: Sean I’m srs it’s an emergency_

Spot hesitated, the typing bubble disappearing and reappearing four times.

_Spot: Sorry. What’s up?_

_Jack: talk in person_

_Spot: Ok. Come to my room we’re up_

Jack pulled on his favorite hoodie (second favorite hoodie, since Katherine stole his favorite one) and grabbed his keys before quietly slipping down the hall to Spot and Race’s dorm. He knocked on the door softly, letting himself in as he realized it was already unlocked.

Race was lying on the ground, paying very close attention to the video game on the TV screen in front of him, mumbling to himself as he played.

“Hey,” Spot said as Jack entered, “Why are you awake?”

Jack frowned. “I...Spotty, can I talk to you?”

Race glanced up at the sound of Jack’s weak voice.

“You okay?” Race asked, and Jack nodded.

“Yeah.” he said stronger. “Just tired. Come with me a sec, will’ya Spot?”

Spot shrugged but nodded,

“Be back, Racer.”

“Shooooooooooooooot nononononononono,” Race said at his game, nodding briefly at his friends. “Yeah yeah.” he looked back to his game. “DAMN IT.”

Spot rolled his eyes and smirked before following Jack down the hall to the study room on their floor.

“What’s so important you gotta tell me ‘bout it at 3am?” Spot asked, sitting on top of the table in the study room.

“I had a nightmare.”

Spot glared at Jack a little. “Please be joking.”

“‘Bout the Refuge, Sean.”

Spot looked up, expression shifting momentarily before going back to normal.

“Okay?”

“I ain’t dreamt ‘bout that place in years.”

“So why you tellin’ me?” Spot asked.

“‘cuz Crutchie’s there.”

Spot’s eyes widened.

“An’ I’m freakin’ out, Spot. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I dunno what they’s doin’ ta him in there an’ I can’t call ‘im, an’ I can’t think straight an’ I keep havin’ these dreams ‘bout when we was there-”

“We?” Spot interrupted.

Jack nodded. “Yeah. An’ I need ya help. I dunno what ta do.”

Spot frowned. “What’s Crutchie in tha Refuge for? He’s like the most inn’cent kid inna world. Like me? Sure. You? Whateva’. But _Charlie Morris_? He’s a poster child for good foster kids.”

“ _I know._ ” Jack insisted. “He got in trouble wit’ his social worker fer the Strike stuff.”

“What the fuck?”

“An’ it’s _my fault_ an’ I can’t let ‘im get hurt by Spider. It ain’t happenin’.”

“No, it ain’t.” Spot agreed, setting his jaw. “What do you wanna do?”

“I dunno.” Jack rubbed his face with his hands. “Medda said she’s workin’ wit’ her lawyer ta get ‘im out but…..”

“Spider’ll kick his ass ‘fore she gets a chance.”

Jack nodded miserably.

“I know ain’t nothin’ wrong wit’ his legs an’ whateva’, but Spider’s gonna take a’vantage ‘a that an’-”

“Don’t.” Jack warned. “I know. I’ve thought ‘bout it all. I can’t think ‘bout it no more.”

Spot nodded solemnly. “We gotta help him.”

“Yeah, but whadda we do?”

Spot shrugged. “Break ‘im out.”

“It’s summer, he ain’t goin’ ta school, there ain’t no chances.”

“You ‘member how chores an’ shit work there. We’ll figure out when he’s outside the house, an’ we’ll get ‘im.”

“This is a bad idea.”

“Yeah, but you don’t got a better one, do ya?”

“No, but-”

“We can at least….I dunno. Drive past? See if it works the same way?”

“Make sure he ain’t too hurt or nothin’.”

“Yeah.”

Spot and Jack both grew quiet, thinking.

“This is a bad idea.” Jack repeated, and Spot nodded.

“Prob’ly.”

“You sure ‘bout this?”

“We ain’t leavin’ him there.”

“We?”

Spot nodded once. He hesitated momentarily before swallowing and meeting Jack’s eyes seriously.

“I ain’t bailin’ on ya. Neva’ again.”

Jack nodded gratefully.

“You got arrested last time you’s was there.” Jack said warningly, “You positive ‘bout this?”

Spot shrugged. “You’s was arrested too, ‘member? I don’t give a shit. We gotta make sure Crutch’s okay.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Spot.”

“We’ll talk tomorra’, ‘kay? We ain’t goin’ there at 3am. We’s gonna drive by in’na mornin’, when we ain’t tired an’ you ain’t pale as a sheet.”

“Aight,” Jack agreed. “We ought’a get some sleep.”

Spot nodded in agreement and slid off the table, starting back down the hall to his room.

“Kelly,” Spot said quietly before going back into his room. “You’s gonna be okay?”

Jack nodded. “I’s fine. Thanks.”

“Yeah.” Spot gave him a little wave. “Night.”

“Night.”

Jack slipped back into his dorm and back into his bed, careful not to wake Davey.

_Go back to sleep, Jack._ He told himself. _You have a plan. Spot’s gonna help. Go to sleep._

Jack closed his eyes and pulled his pillow into his chest as he tried to get comfortable. He had a plan. It was going to be okay. He had a plan. It was going to be okay.

_You have a plan. It’s going to be okay._

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't notice, I love Spot Conlon with every fiber of my being.
> 
> Annnnnd we are just getting started. Tune in next week for Spot and Jack's plan and how it goes awry!
> 
> as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!!! questions, comments and concerns! 
> 
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	3. Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Spot go see Crutchie and things don't go as expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild warnings for mentions of child abuse and police activity!

*

 

Spot’s car slowed down in front of the house that both boys recognized immediately. 

“Home sweet hell home.” Spot muttered, and Jack would’ve snorted if he wasn’t so anxious. 

“An’ look’at that. It even looks like a prison now.” Spot pointed at the iron bars over all the windows. “Shit can’t be safe.” 

“Shit’s our fault,” Jack said, his tone more amused than it was accusing. “How’d you run’way again? Oh yeah. Through the window.”

Spot huffed. “It was already a prison, now it’s just extra.”

Jack smirked a little. “What happens if there’s a fire?”

Spot shrugged. “Take yer chances boltin’ for the door? An hope’at the flames eat up Spider instead.”

This time Jack did snort. 

“Bastard deserves worse than a house fire.” Jack commented, and Spot nodded in agreement.

“Ooh. There. Look.” Jack said, leaning over in Spot’s car to jab at the window. “A kid.” 

“I see ‘im.” 

“He’s takin’ out the trash.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m gonna talk to ‘im.” 

Spot grabbed Jack’s arm. “Are ya outta ya fuckin’ mind? You ain’t talkin’ ta nobody!”

“How’m I supp’sda find out when Crutchie’ll be here, eh? We’s can’t come back every night!”

Spot groaned. “You’s gonna get caught.”

“No I ain’t, I’s just gonna say hi.” 

“You’s  _ gonna get caught _ .” 

Jack rolled his eyes and unbuckled his seatbelt, getting out of the car and jogging down the street a little before crossing to the other side of the street and walking in front of the house as casually as possible. He felt sweat prickling on his forehead, his body already rebelling against him being within vicinity of the home. 

Jack timed it so he’d be walking past just as the kid was tugging a garbage can to the curb. 

“Hey,” Jack said casually. 

The kid looked up but didn’t respond. 

“You live here?” 

The kid had to be about eleven or twelve, he looked really young, and really terrified. Jack’s heart ached. He remembered being just like that kid.

“I gotta question fer ‘ya.” Jack said as gently as possible. The kid quickly finished with the garbage cans and started back through the back gate of the house. “Wait wait!” Jack begged. “You know’a Charlie??” 

The kid hesitated, and Jack breathed a little easier. 

“You do.” 

The kid kicked a can that was on the front lawn and cautiously picked it up, carrying it back down to the garbage can. 

“What ‘bout ‘im?” the kid whispered, opening the garbage can lid slowly. 

“He’s m’brother. I ain’t been able ta talk ta him. He’s okay?” 

The kid shrugged. That wasn’t good enough for Jack. 

“He bring out the trash like you’s just did?” 

The kid eyed him warily as he closed the garbage can lid. 

“Yeah.” 

“When?”

The kid shook his head and started back up the back lawn. 

“Please.” Jack begged, staying away from the property line. 

“Thursday.” the kid said, almost too quiet for Jack to hear. “I gotta go.” 

Jack swallowed, pulling his ball cap over his eyes and walking away, down the street to where Spot’s car was parked.

“You’re an idiot.” Spot said as Jack quickly buckled into the passenger’s side. “What’d he say?”

“Thursday night.” Jack said as Spot drove away. 

Spot huffed a sigh. “Guess we’ll be back Thursday.”

*

_ Thursday _

*

“I’m going to say one more time that this is a bad idea, an’ if we get pinched fer this, I don’t regret none’a it. Yeah?” 

Jack smirked at Spot. “Yeah. Thanks, Spot.”

“You got it.” 

“We ain’t gonna get pinched,” Jack insisted, “‘m just gonna talk to ‘im. If shit’s real bad, we tell Medda an’ her lawyer. This ain’t a kidnappin’.”

Spot nodded in agreement. “I’ll keep the car goin’, just in case. Don’t stick ‘round too long. We don’t need ol’ Spider knowin’ we’s sneakin’ ‘round.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I got it. You think I wanna be here longa’ than I gotta?” Jack asked, and Spot shook his head. 

“Nah, but you’s a bleedin’ heart, Kelly. We’s here for Crutchie. We can’t help all’a them other kids.” 

Jack sighed a little. “I know it, Spot.”

“‘m just makin’ sure.” 

Jack took a deep breath, tugging on his favorite Yankees ball cap on his head. 

“‘kay. Just wait for me, aight?”

“You got it.” Spot said, reaching for Jack’s shoulder with his hand that wasn’t in a cast. “Don’t do nothin’ dumb.” 

Jack rolled his eyes, unlocking the passenger side door and getting out of Spot’s car, walking down the street toward the foster home, making sure he was still in Spot’s line of sight. Spot followed him with the car but stayed on the opposite side of the street, a safe distance away. 

Jack took a deep breath and steeled himself, very calmly starting down the sidewalk in front of the foster home, following the sidewalk around to the back fence just as the back door to the house opened. Jack heard the familiar click of his brother’s crutches and tried not to panic as he watched Crutchie struggle to lug the heavy garbage can to the curb. 

“Hey,” Jack whispered, his voice catching in his throat. “Charlie, it’s me.” 

Crutchie’s eyes widened. “Jackie?” he whispered, quickening his pace down the lawn and dropping the can at the curb. “What’re ya doin’ here?” 

Jack felt emotion welling in his chest as he grabbed Crutchie tightly in a hug. 

“Makin’ sure you’s okay.” Jack managed after a second. 

“‘m fine, Jackie.” Crutchie said softly. “You shouldn’t be here.” 

“Neitha’ should you.” Jack insisted. “Charlie, ‘m so  _ so  _ sorry, this’s my fault an’-” 

“What? No. It aint’cha fault. Stop that.” Crutchie insisted. “Don’t say that.” 

“It  _ is _ .” 

“Stop.” Crutchie said firmly, gripping Jack’s shoulder tight. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ll be outta here ‘fore we know it. Medda’s workin’ on it.” 

“I know.” Jack sniffed. He glanced behind Crutchie, toward the house. “You’s okay? You ain’t hurt or nothin’, are ya?” 

Crutchie shook his head. “I’m fine, Jack. Honest.” 

“He ain’t touched ya?” 

“No.” Crutchie insisted. “I ain’t hurt. I’s just gonna keep ‘m head down for a few more days ‘til Miss Medda gets it all sorted an’ I can go back home.” 

Jack nodded, trying to convince himself of Crutchie’s words. 

“How’d ya know when ta find me?” Crutchie asked quietly. 

“Spot an’ I came by the otha’ day. I talked to a kid at the gate.” Jack explained. 

“I’m glad ya did.” Crutchie said softly. “But I know how’s ya feel ‘bout this place. You didn’t hafta come back.” 

“I had to make sure you’s okay.” Jack insisted. “You’s my only fam’ly. I had to know you weren’t hurt.” 

“I ain’t hurt, Jackie. But you’s gotta go. I’s already been out here too long. They’s gonna think I bolted.” 

Jack smirked. “Really?  _ You’s _ a runaway?” 

Crutchie rolled his eyes, hitting Jack’s shin lightly with one of his crutches. “I can be pretty darn fast when I wanna be.” He teased, his lighter tone making Jack’s heart fill with joy. 

“Yeah.” Jack smiled a little. He hugged Crutchie again, helping him fix the garbage can. “Do ya need anythin’?” Jack asked, and Crutchie shook his head. 

“Nah. Don’t worry ‘bout me. I’m tough.” 

Jack nodded. “I know you is. But….” Jack shook his head, despair filling him again. “I can’t letcha go back there. I can’t let’im hurt ya.” 

“I ain’t gonna get hurt, Jackie. But you’s gotta leave. Ya shouldn’t even be here right now.” Crutchie said firmly, starting back through the gate. “I’s gotta go back inside.” 

“No,” Jack started, taking Crutchie’s arm in his hand, almost knocking him off balance. Crutchie shook his head warningly.

“Jack, don’t do this.” 

“Charlie I…” Jack stopped in his tracks as the back door to the house swung open. 

“Get off my property!” 

The familiar voice chilled Jack to the bone. He dropped Crutchie’s arm, his his arms going limp with fear. 

“Charles! Get inside.” Snyder grabbed Crutchie’s shoulder tight as he pulled him toward the door. He leaned close to Crutchie’s face. “You think you’re going to conspire with strangers now? As if that woman weren’t pushing you enough? You have another think coming, child.”

Jack was frozen in place, his body refusing to budge as he panicked. He looked straight ahead, first at Crutchie and then at Snyder, making direct eye contact with him.

“ _ YOU. _ ” Snyder shouted as he met Jack’s gaze. “JACK KELLY.” 

Crutchie felt panic like no other.  “JACK, RUN!”

Jack ran. He could hear police sirens, distantly realizing that Snyder had already reported the intruder and there were never cops far from this neighborhood. Snyder chased after Jack, leaving Crutchie in the back lawn of the house in shock. Jack ran faster than he’d ever run before, tearing off down the street, but his legs were turning to jelly each time Snyder shouted his name. After almost a block of running, Snyder started to gain on him, snatching at Jack’s hoodie and pulling him back. 

Jack cried out as his legs were yanked from under him and he landed on the hard ground, scraping his knees through his jeans. 

“How  _ dare you _ come back here?” Snyder spat, yanking Jack’s arm tight. “You should know better than to come anywhere near me or my house again.” 

Jack whimpered, instinctively curling himself into a ball as he hyperventilated in sheer terror. 

“Don’t fucking touch him!” Spot shouted as he bolted down the street to where Snyder stood menacingly over Jack. Spot shoved Snyder away from Jack, hard enough that the man lost his balance despite towering over Spot’s shorter frame. He hauled back to hit Spot, but Spot was faster, dodging Snyder’s fist and using the opportunity to swing back, catching Snyder in the jaw with a well-placed punch from his un-broken hand.

Snyder spat in Spot’s direction and Spot grinned. 

“Don’t try me, old man.” Spot snapped, “You’s gonna regret it. ‘m a lot stronger than I was when I’s thirteen.” 

Snyder smirked, standing up straight and rubbing at his jaw briefly, catching his breath. 

“Sean Conlon.” Snyder said, almost impressed. “It’s been a while since we’ve crossed paths.” 

Spot rolled his eyes, protectively glancing down at Jack, who was still shaking on the ground. 

“Yeah, I’s missed ya too.” Spot sneered. 

“I’m having deja vu,” Snyder said flatly, grabbing Spot’s arm and smirking at his hand in a cast, as a two police cars pulled up and four officers quickly ran out toward Jack, Spot and Snyder. Spot tried to yank out of Snyder’s grip to run, but looked at Jack and let it happen. 

“Ah, fuck.” Spot muttered. “Jackie….Jackie get up.” 

Spot reached his free hand for Jack, who grasped it tight as he finally stood. 

“You okay?” Spot whispered, and Jack shook his head. 

“No.” 

“Great.” Spot sighed as one police officer seized him, another grabbing Jack, forcing both of them to their knees, their hands above their heads. 

Spot knew better than to say anything, but he met Jack’s eyes warningly. Jack’s eyes were red with tears, and Spot ignored how it made his heart ache to see his friend so scared. The next few minutes were a blur of sirens and lights and police officers grabbing him and patting him down and handcuffing him around his cast, and finally dragging both him and Jack to a police car. 

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney-” 

Spot zoned out the spiel he’d heard at least a half a dozen times before as he and Jack were shoved into a car. Spot watched Jack, his stomach starting to hurt as he saw a dark look come over Jack’s expression. 

“It’s okay, Jackie. We’ll figure this out.” Spot said, his tone uncharacteristically gentle.

Jack finally broke his blank stare to meet Spot’s eyes. Spot had never seen Jack look so miserable. 

“‘m  _ so  _ sorry, Sean.” he whispered and Spot shook his head. 

“Ay. It’s fine. We’ll sort it out. I needja brain workin’, Jackie. Focus. We can freak later.” 

Jack nodded, shifting in his seat as the police car left and started toward the precinct, adjusting his wrists handcuffed too tightly behind him. 

“Yeah.” Jack agreed, swallowing hard. He tried fiercely to compartmentalize his thoughts, only focusing on how to get himself and Spot out of jail. He needed help. 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y I K E S
> 
> okay so they very firmly decided against a kidnapping, which is good, but it still didn't work in their favor. this whole ordeal is going to mess up both of these boys pretty bad, so hang in there. they're going to be better for it in the end, I DO have a plan!!
> 
> can't wait to hear your thoughts and angry ranting at me!! ;)   
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins !!!


	4. Phone Calls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Spot ask for some help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings for this chapter! sorry it's so short!

*

After being processed and interviewed, Jack and Spot were both left in a holding cell in a lower Manhattan police station. It was getting later now, a little after 9:30pm, and Jack and Spot had been stuck at the police station for over four hours. 

Jack and Spot were smart, and they both told the whole truth about their situation, which meant their stories both lined up with one another’s. According to the cops, Snyder apparently was pressing charges against them for attempted kidnapping. Both boys adamantly insisted that they had no plans to kidnap Crutchie or anyone else, and after several interviews, were both sent back to their cell to wait to make bail. 

Jack sat up as Spot was led back into their cell, making room on the bench for Spot to sit down next to him.

“What’d ya tell ‘im?” Jack asked, turning to face Spot.

“Truth.” Spot said flatly, glancing at Jack. “You?”

“Same. Ain’t much to tell.”

Jack watched as Spot rubbed at his face and leaned back against the cinderblock wall. 

“How much truth?” Jack asked next, and Spot gave him a look. 

“Act’lly, the whole truth.” Spot said firmly, tucking his leg under him as he sat up and faced Jack. “I told him what a dick Snyder is, an’ told ‘im that it ain’t us he oughta be investigatin’.”

Jack narrowed his eyes. “Whadda ya mean?”

“I told ‘im why we’s even there in the first place, Jackie. I told ‘im it ain’t us who oughta be in trouble or nothin’. We ain't beatin' kids an' makin' 'em afraid.”

“You told ‘im ‘bout Snyder?” Jack suddenly felt more vulnerable, but slightly more hopeful. 

“Yeah.” Spot hesitated. “I think he listened, too.” 

Jack’s eyes widened. “Yeah?”

Spot nodded. “Said it ain’t the first time Snyder’s reported people for tresspassin’, an’ it ain’t the first time it’s been other kids, neither.”

“We ain’t gonna be charged as kids, Sean.” Jack said flatly, and Spot rolled his eyes. 

“Nah, but I don’t think they’s got much of a case. We wasn't even on the prop’rty.”

Jack thought about that for a moment. 

“Ya punched ‘im.” 

“Self defense.” Spot said with a shrug. 

“Is that what ya told the cops?”

Spot huffed. “You betcha  _ ass _ that’s what I told ‘em.”

Jack nodded. “Good. That’s what I told ‘em too.”

The detective that had interviewed Jack approached their cell. “Mr. Kelly? Mr. Conlon? You can place your calls now.” he told the boys, unlocking the holding cell that they’d been sitting in. 

“Who’re ya callin’?” Spot asked, “How’s you gonna fix this?” 

Jack held up a hand. “I got it.” 

“You gonna call Kath?” 

“What?” Jack’s eyes widened. “No! She’d freak.” 

“She’d get us  _ out _ .” 

“I ain’t makin’ Kath pay our bail. She’d neva’ speak to me again.” 

“Shut up, she would.” Spot rolled his eyes. “Call Medda, she’d help.” 

“She’s workin’ at her theater tonight ‘til 10.” Jack said, “‘m callin’ Davey.” 

“ _ Davey _ ?” Spot shook his head. “You’s gonna drag poor Dave inta’ this?”

“He’s our most respons’ble friend!”

“Oh my God.” 

“We get one phone call, Spot. I know he’ll answer. I ain’t gonna make ‘im pay our bail or nothin’. Just have ‘im get Medda for us.” 

Spot shrugged. “Fine.” 

“Who’re you callin’?” Jack asked as the detective led the boys to a desk, phones sitting in front of them.

“Race, who d’ya think?” 

Jack shrugged, picking up the phone and dialing in Davey’s number. Jack had most of his friends numbers memorized, a habit he’d picked up as a kid that he’d never lost. He was pretty sure he even had his old social worker’s number memorized, too. 

Spot had Race’s number memorized from the same instincts, dialing it in and listening to it ring. 

Jack did the same, holding the phone to his ear as it rang. 

_ “Hello?”  _ Davey’s voice came through the other end of the phone and Jack breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Dave! It’s Jack.” 

_ “Jack! Where are you? I’ve been texting you. Who’s phone are you calling on?”  _

Jack took a deep breath. “Long story. Listen, Davey, I really need your help.” 

_ “Are you okay?”  _

Jack hesitated, glancing at Spot. 

“Hey Race, it’s me.” Spot said, his tone even and a lot calmer than Jack’s.

_ “Spotty! What’s up? Did you lose your phone again?”  _

“Eehhhhh. Not quite. Listen man, don’t freak out or anything. I’m kinda in jail right now.” 

Jack winced. 

“I’m not okay, act’lly.” Jack admitted to Davey, “Spot an’ I….” he bit his lip. “We got arrested. I’m at a police station in the lower east side. I really need your help.” 

Davey’s silence didn’t make Jack feel any better. 

“Dave?” 

_ “W-why did you get arrested?”  _

“I’ll explain everythin’ later, I promise. You got a pad an’ paper? I need’ta tell ya some important stuff.” 

_ “Jack…”  _ Davey’s voice was shaky and Jack whimpered a little. 

“Dave, please. This is an emergency.” His voice was losing it’s confidence as he listened to Davey panic.

Spot leaned back in his chair, propping one foot against the desk and shifting his phone to his shoulder so he could pick at his jeans with his unbroken hand.

_ “You’s in jail?? What the fuck? What did you do?”  _ Race asked, almost amused rather than upset.  _ “I knew this day would come.”  _ he teased.

Spot smirked. “Yeah. Jack an’ I got arrested for tresspassin’. Ain’t a huge deal. I just wanted ta letcha know where I’s at.” 

_ “Will ya be out soon? Should I cancel the movie tickets for tomorrow?”  _

“Nah, we already picked our seats. I’ll be out by then.” 

_ “You sure?”  _

“Yeah. Don’t worry ‘bout it.” 

_ “I gotta say Spotty, I’m a lil offended that ya got arrested with Jack an’ not with me.”  _

Spot laughed. “Hey, we’s got plenty’a time for that. We didn’t even get arrested doin’ nothin’ fun.” 

Race laughed.  _ “You gonna be okay? Do you need me to do anythin’?”  _

Spot shrugged. “Jack’s workin’ on it. I just didn’t wanna not show up til’ late an’ freak ya out.” 

Jack held his head in one hand as he listened to Davey hyperventilate. 

“Dave, please focus.” 

_ “What do you need me to do?”  _ Davey begged,  _ “I’ve got a pen and paper. Are you hurt? Are you safe?”  _

Jack glanced at the blood stains on the knees of his jeans and winced a little. He’d been through worse. 

“I’m safe, an’ I’m fine. Just a lil shook up. Please help me? I need ya, Davey.” 

Davey sniffed.  _ “What do I do? Tell me what to do.”  _

“I need you to get ahold’a my mom...foster mom, Medda Larkin. Write her name down. M-E-D-D-A  L-A-R-K-I-N. Got it?” 

Jack could hear Davey scribbling as he put the phone on speaker. 

“She’s workin’ at a theater tonight.” Jack gave him the address and her phone number. “I needja to call ‘er or go talk ta her. She’ll know what ta do.” 

_ “I-I-I…”  _

“Stay wit’ me Dave.” Jack instructed, hoping he sounded stronger than he was feeling. 

_ “Did you tell Katherine?”  _

“No!” Jack said quickly, “I ain’t done explainin’, do  _ not _ tell Kath.” 

_ “But Jack…” _

“Listen to me. I needja to tell Medda that I’s got arrested for tresspassin’ at The Refuge.” Jack’s voice cracked a little and he cleared his throat. “Write that down.” he paused a second. “Make sure you tell ‘er that Spot’s with me.” 

_ “Do you have to stay overnight? Is it horrible in there? Is Spot okay?”  _

“Spot’s fine. If ya get ta Medda in time, she can help us make bail an’ we’ll be back home by midnight.”

_ “Katherine!!”  _ Davey shouted as he spotted Katherine walking down the hall to go back to her room.  _ “Kath come here!”  _

Jack groaned, hitting his head against the desk in front of him. Spot snorted. 

“Ay, Racer, you wanna go check on Dave an’ Kath?” Spot asked into his phone, “Jack’s talkin’ to them on the phone an’ I think they’s freakin’ out.” Spot said, eyeing Jack warily.

_ “Oh shit, yeah. I can hear ‘em freakin’ out.”  _ Race started down the hall to Davey’s room, eyes widening at the scene in front of him. Davey was holding his phone out for Katherine, who stood frozen in her tracks, eyes wide and mouth agape. They were both clearly upset.

_ “You’re WHERE???”  _ Katherine shouted, grabbing Davey’s phone quickly.  _ “What the fuck is going on??”  _

Jack moaned, face squishing into the desk as he mumbled into the phone. 

“I’m in jailllll.” He whined. “Spot an’ I got arrested. We didn’t do nothin’ bad, it’s all a big misunderstandin’.” 

_ “You’re IN JAIL. You don’t just get arrested for doing nothing!”  _ Katherine protested, looking at Davey in panic. 

“You do when you’s kids like us.” Spot said flatly, his voice coming through Race’s phone on speaker as Race stood in the doorway of Davey’s dorm room. 

Everyone grew silent and Jack sighed. 

“Listen. Ya can lecture me when I get back, but Davey...I’m beggin’ ya, I need ya to talk to Medda an’ help me.” 

_ “What did you DO?”  _ Katherine demanded,  _ “Tell me!”  _

_ “They got caught tresspassin’,”  _ Race put in. 

_ “Jack! What the fuck?”  _ Jack had never heard Katherine so angry and distressed. Honestly, he’d only ever heard her swear a handful of times. And she’d just yelled at him twice. His stomach sank.

“Not now, Ace. I only gotta few minutes left on the phone. Davey, repeat them numbers back ta me.” 

Davey did, and Spot watched Jack next to him as he nodded in confirmation.

“Good.” Jack said. “Don’t freak out. We’s gonna be fine, we just need some help. Can ya do it?” 

_ “Yeah, but-”  _ Davey started and Jack interrupted him.

“No buts, I need ya.” 

Davey swallowed and nodded.  _ “Yeah, yeah. I can do it.”  _

Jack sighed a little. “Good. Thank you so much. I’ll tell ya all everythin’ when I get back.” 

Katherine’s eyes darted from Davey to Race and then back to the phone in Davey’s hand.

_ “Why didn’t you talk to us? Why did you do this?”  _ Katherine asked, voice softening with worry.  _ “Are you okay?”  _

“‘m fine, Ace. I promise I can explain m’self. Just not right now.” 

“Yeah,” Spot agreed through Race’s phone. “We’s fine. Just been’a day.”

_ “You’re sure you’re okay?”  _ Katherine asked, her tone getting weaker.

“Yeah, we’re fine.” Jack assured her. “We’ll be back soon.” 

_ “Okay.”  _ Katherine sniffed and Jack felt his heart ache. He forced himself to focus. 

“Dave, you got what I needja to do?” 

_ “Yeah.” _

“Ok, we gotta go.” Spot said next as the detective signalled for them to wrap it up. “We’ll see ya all soon.” 

_ “See ya soon, guys.”  _ Race said,  _ “Don’t do nothin’ dumber.”  _

Spot snorted. “Yeah yeah.” 

“See ya, guys.” Jack said, and then the line went dead.

Jack and Spot met eyes as they hung up the phones and we escorted back to their holding cell. 

“Well,” Spot said as he laid down on the hard bench in their cell. “Now we wait.” 

Jack sighed, shoving Spot over so he could sit. “Yep.” 

“You gonna be okay?” Spot asked, and Jack nodded unconvincingly. 

“Yep.” 

_ Nope. _

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lots more in store for our misunderstood heroes!! i promise I don't drag the jail drama out much longer, though!
> 
> I know it's short, I'm sorry! I've been dealing with a lot of personal and family stuff lately (on top of traveling and going into finals weeks!) and haven't gotten to dedicate as much time as I want to my stories. I pinky swear I'm not abandoning it, and if you guys want, I can even post a second chapter this week to make up for 2 weeks without! so let me know! thank you for everyone who waited!!
> 
> special shoutouts to disney and claire for keeping me sane the past few weeks and to sage for editing this for me! love you all!
> 
> as always, I'd love to hear your thoughts!!  
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	5. Bailout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Medda saves the day (night), Davey is worried, some explanations are given, and you're going to hate me for the ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings for this but it's a long one!!

*

Medda Larkin arrived at the police station at exactly 10:15pm, demanding for someone to let her see her son. Her shouting and dramatics immediately caught Spot and Jack’s attention, Spot waking up from the nap he’d been taking and Jack hurrying to the front of their holding cell to wait for Medda. She argued with the officers at the front of the station for a while before paying the bail for both Spot and Jack. She waited as the boys were escorted to the lobby in handcuffs, given their personal belongings, and finally released to her. 

Jack hurried to embrace Medda, crying into her shoulder as she held him tight and refused to let go. 

“I’m so sorry!” Jack cried, and Medda shook her head, holding him close. 

“Don’t cry, sweetie. It’s going to be okay. I’m not mad.” 

“You’re not?” Jack whimpered, and Medda shook her head, kissing Jack’s cheek. 

“Never, baby.” she let Jack go and opened her arms for Spot. “Come here, Sean. You too.” 

Spot rolled his eyes a little but accepted Medda’s hug, lingering in her comfort a little longer than he’d ever admit. 

Medda wrapped her arms around Spot and Jack’s shoulders as she led them out of the police station and to her van, sighing a little as she started the car and glanced at Jack next to her, and then at Spot in the backseat. 

“Are you two okay?” she asked first, and both boys nodded, Spot more sincerely than Jack. Medda glanced to Jack, gently putting a hand on his shoulder, immediately noting that he flinched at her light touch. 

“Why didn’t you ask for my lawyer?” she asked next, and Spot shrugged. 

“They gave us some guy from the state dep’tment.” he explained. “Wann’t good at ‘is job.”

Medda nodded thoughtfully as she drove out of the police station parking lot. “Did they give you a court date?” 

Spot nodded,  holding up the paper in his hand. “Yeah.”

“I’ll speak with my lawyer to represent you.” Medda said, almost to herself. “We’ll figure it out, boys. Don't worry.” she took a deep breath and looked at Jack in the seat next to her. 

“Jack?” she asked gently, “Can you tell me what happened?” 

Jack glanced back at Spot, who leaned forward, tapping Medda’s arm.

“I can. Jackie’s had a long night.” he offered, and Medda nodded gratefully. 

“Sure Sean, go ahead.” 

Medda started the car and drove them to get drive-thru, since she had a feeling the boys hadn’t eaten in hours. 

“So Jack told me ‘bout Charlie, an’ we knew you’s been workin’ on gettin’ ‘im back, but we’s was super worried, so we figured we’d just...check on ‘im.” 

Medda nodded but didn’t interrupt, letting Spot continue. 

“We ‘membered how chores an’ sh-” Spot cleared his throat. “Stuff, works there. So we was just gonna make sure Charlie wan’nt hurt or nothin’. We weren’t gonna do nothin’ else, Medda, I swears it.” 

Medda nodded again. “So how did you two wind up in jail tonight?” she asked, tone un-accusing and understanding. 

“Well, uh…” Spot sighed, glancing at Jack, who looked increasingly tense. “Jackie was talkin’ with Charlie an’ makin’ sure he was okay, an’ then,” Spot watched as Jack practically folded in on himself. “Uh, Mr. Snyder caught Jack talkin’ with Crut-Charlie. An’ recognized ‘im. An’ called the cops. An’ chased Jack down’na block.”

Medda looked sad, looking over to Jack, who was hiding his face in his hands. 

Spot’s stomach ached with sadness for his friend. “An’ then we’s got arrested for tresspassin’.” Spot finished, cutting his story short. He glanced at the paperwork in his hand that the police station had given him on how to get his impounded car back, and whined a little. 

“Okay.” Medda said softly. “Thank you for telling me, Sean.” Medda thought for a moment. “Neither of you should’ve gone back to that house.” she said, trying to choose her words carefully. “But after the night you’ve had, I don’t think you need a lecture.” 

Medda looked over to Jack as she parked her van in the McDonalds parking lot and gave Spot her credit card. 

“Sean, go get whatever you two want to eat. I’m going to talk to Jack for a second, okay?” 

Spot nodded, putting the card in his pocket and getting out of the van, starting into the restaurant after one more worried glance at Jack. 

Medda looked to Jack, who still refused to look up to meet her eyes. 

“Did he hurt you?” Medda asked softly, eyeing Jack’s stained jeans. 

Jack nodded a little before shrugging. “‘m fine.” 

“Did he hurt Charlie?” she asked next and Jack shrugged. 

“Not that I could see,” he mumbled. “I dunno.” 

“I’m doing everything I can to get him out of there, Jack.” Medda insisted. “I should have him back by next Monday.” 

Jack finally looked up. “That’s long.” 

“I know.” She sighed. “I know your heart was in the right place tonight, love. But that was very dangerous. You scared me and your friend David half to death. Why didn’t you tell anyone where you were going?” 

“Ain’t no one who gets it, Medda. Kath an’ Davey don’t even know nothin’ bout this stuff, they don’t know why it’s so bad there, I can’t tell ‘em ‘bout this.” 

Medda sighed a little sadly. “I’m sure if you talked to them, they’d at least be understanding, even if they don’t  _ understand _ .” she hesitated. “Is that why you got Sean involved?” 

Jack nodded. 

“I’m just glad you weren’t by yourself,” Medda admitted. “And I’m really,  _ really _ glad you’re safe now.” 

Jack nodded unconvincingly. 

“You  _ are _ safe, Jack. He can’t hurt you.” 

Jack didn’t respond, just staring blankly ahead. Medda frowned.

“Do you want to come home with me tonight?” she offered, and Jack winced a little. 

“I dunno…” he really  _ didn’t _ want to go back to his dorm and face Davey and Katherine and the rest of his friends. He knew Davey was upset, and Kath was mad, and he really didn’t think he could handle any more guilt than his brain was already destroying him with. He glanced up at Medda, meeting her eyes. Medda’s heart ached to see the tears hanging in Jack’s eyes. “It’s okay wit’ ya?” 

“You’re always welcome with me, Jack.” Medda said gently. “I can take you back to school in the morning.” 

Jack didn’t say anything else, nodding quietly and leaning into Medda as she gave him a gentle hug. 

“It’s going to be okay, sweetie.” she assured him. “Hang in there.” 

Spot returned with dinner for himself and for Jack, giving Medda back her card and thanking her profusely for the food and for posting bail for them, and for the ride as she dropped him off at school.

“Ya ain’t comin’?” Spot asked as Jack made no move to get out of Medda’s car. 

“Jack’s going to spend the night at my house,” Medda explained gently, “I’ll bring him back to school tomorrow and you two can sort everything out. Okay?” 

Spot shrugged but nodded. “Yeah.” He put a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Text me if ya need anythin’. Want me ta tell Kath an’ Davey somethin’?” 

Jack shrugged a little. “Tell ‘em ‘m fine. An’ that I’ll be back tomorrow.” 

“Gotcha.” Spot popped a french fry into his mouth. “Night Jackie. Thanks again, Miss Medda.” 

Jack sighed a little as he watched Spot walk back into their dorm building and squeezed Miss Medda’s hand as she took his hand in hers. 

“Let’s go home,” Medda said softly, “You need some tea and a good night’s rest.” 

Jack offered her half a smile.

“Thanks, Medda.” he said genuinely. “You’s a gem.” 

*

Davey paced his dorm room back and forth anxiously, trying to calm down. He hated not knowing what was happening. He hated things being out of control. Jack  _ still _ hadn’t texted or called him back and he didn’t know what happened with Medda or why Jack had gotten arrested in the first place. It was now almost one am and Jack and Spot still weren’t back, and no one had said anything, and Sarah and Kath were still sitting in his room watching him freak out, and everyone was expecting him to have answers and he  _ didn’t _ . 

He didn’t know how to handle this. The only person he knew who ever got arrested was his uncle  _ once _ at a union rally he’d gone to. The whole ordeal lasted a few hours and his uncle wasn’t guilty of anything, and was released. And even then, Davey was so little when that happened that he barely remembered it. This was different. This was  _ Jack _ . Jack was his best friend, his roommate, they did almost everything together. And tonight he realized he didn’t know everything about him, because he never would’ve thought that Jack was the kind of guy who’d do something that got him arrested. 

Davey stopped pacing his room as he heard someone walking down the hallway, relieved to see Spot carrying a clear plastic bag filled with his belongings in one hand and a bag of McDonalds in his other. 

“Spot!” Davey cried with relief. “Thank God. Where’s Jack?” 

Spot swallowed the french fries in his mouth and sighed. “He’s stayin’ with Miss Medda tonight.” he explained quickly.

Davey glanced at Katherine and Sarah behind him and felt the pit in his stomach get deeper. 

“Is he okay?” Davey asked, his voice tight.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine.” Spot assured him. “He just had’a rough night. He’s gonna come back tomorra’.” 

Katherine bit her lip, glancing at Davey and then at Spot. 

“He’s….he’s alright though? You two aren’t in trouble?” 

Spot shrugged, waving a paper in his hand in the air. “Not too much. Gotta court date an’ got m’ car impounded but other than that, we’s fine.” 

Katherine leaned against Davey and he put a protective arm around her shoulders. 

“Why didn’t you tell us where you guys were going or doing?” Davey asked, “What even happened?” 

Spot shifted his weight. “Ahh..” He shook his head. “It really ain’t my place-” 

Katherine glared, and Spot felt slightly intimidated.  _ Oh shit. _

“I ain’t tellin’ all Jack’s secrets.” Spot insisted firmly. “But you’s betta’ be nice ta him. Shit he dealt wit’ tonight ain’t easy an’ we weren’t expectin’ things ta go the way they did.” 

Katherine’s expression softened. “What did he deal with? Why can’t you tell us?” 

Spot shook his head. “It’s late guys, an’ I don’t wanna be tellin’ ya nothin’ Jackie don’t wanna. Just ask ‘im in tha mornin’.” 

Katherine hesitated but nodded. “O-okay.” 

“‘Night” Spot waved a little before he started to his room and Katherine and Davey both frowned.

“Night.” Katherine said softly. “Wait! Spot,” Spot turned around to look at her. “Are  _ you _ okay?” 

Spot smirked a little. “Just fine, Kathy. Don’t worry none.” 

Katherine nodded. “If you aren’t, we’re here for you.” 

Spot waved them off. “Yeah yeah, none’a that.” he laughed, and with that, went into his dorm room, leaving Katherine, Sarah, and Davey alone in the hallway. 

Katherine gave Davey a hug. “We’ll figure it out in the morning.” she said, “Let’s all go to sleep and catch up with Jack then.” 

“At least we know he’s safe.” Sarah said, “And if he’s with his mom, he’ll be fine.” 

Davey nodded, frowning a little. He had no doubt in his mind that Medda would take care of Jack, but now he was worried for new reasons.  _ I don’t wanna be tellin’ ya nothin’ Jackie don’t wanna. _

What doesn’t Jack want them to know? What happened that’s so terrible he can’t tell them? Davey realized that he knew very little about Jack’s past, and that was probably on purpose. He suspected that Katherine knew more about Jack than he did, they  _ were _ dating after all, but it kind of hurt that Jack didn’t think he could trust Davey with that stuff. He wanted to be there for him and to help. What was Jack going through? How could Davey help if Jack wouldn’t tell him?

Sarah gave her brother’s cheek a kiss and then followed Kath to their room. 

“Night, Davey.” Sarah told him. “Try and sleep.” 

“Yeah.” Davey said unconvincingly. “Night Kath, night Sarah.” 

The girls went back to their room and Davey sighed, going back to his as well. He glanced at Jack’s side of the room, sketches taped to the wall next to his bed, art books and journals and sketches and paints and pencils pouring out of his disorganized desk. Jack’s hats were hanging off the bedpost, his clothes kinda thrown around, everything looked normal. Everything looked like it always did. Like it had all semester. 

All Davey knew about Jack’s background was that he was in foster care, his parents had died when he was young, and he moved around a lot growing up. He’d mentioned before that he’d gone to different high schools, and that he and Charlie weren’t blood related, but had lived together a long time. He also knew that Spot and Jack lived together at some point, and had known each other a long time. That explained why whatever Jack decided to do that got him arrested included Spot. So Davey assumed that meant that Spot was also a foster kid, and probably moved around like Jack did growing up. Spot was proudly from Brooklyn but he didn’t talk about his past either, and Davey was a little more afraid to know about Spot’s than Jack’s. Spot looked like the kind of kid who’d _already_ _done_ jail time at 19 years old. He didn’t even seem concerned about getting arrested tonight. 

Davey chewed his lip anxiously as he laid down in his bed, his side of the room mostly empty since he was moving back home in a few days. For the first time, Davey was worried that he didn’t know his friends like he thought he did. And he felt like that made him a bad friend for not knowing what they were going through. 

He wasn’t going to get much sleep tonight, but Davey rolled over and closed his eyes anyway. He’d fix this in the morning. He’d talk to Jack and find out what happened and he wouldn’t judge him and he’d help him however he could. Because Jack was his best friend, and Davey just really wanted him to be okay.

*

Spot sighed as he slunk back into his dorm, relieved as he closed the door behind him and tossed his stuff onto his bed. 

“Spotty!” Race leapt up from his bed and hurried to his friend’s side. “Are you okay?” Race asked, looking Spot over warily.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Spot said simply, offering some of the now-cold french fries to Race, who ate a couple.

“Where’s Jack?” Race asked.

“At Medda’s house.” 

“His mom?” 

“Uh, yeah. His mom.” Spot shrugged. 

“Is he okay?” Race asked next, sitting on Spot’s bed as Spot dumped the contents of his plastic bag out and went through his stuff. 

“Yeah, he’ll be a’ight. He’s just goin’ through a lot right now.” 

Race looked a little sad. “Oh. An’ what about you?” 

“Me?” Spot asked, restarting his cellphone and double checking that all the contents of his wallet were still there. “What ‘bout me?” 

“You goin’ through a lot?” 

Spot hesitated. 

“Nah.” 

Race watched his best friend closely, noting the mix of emotions that flashed across Spot’s face before his neutral expression returned. 

“I’m okay.” 

“If you ain’t, you know you can tell me ‘bout it.” Race said gently, wrapping his arms around his knees, leaning his back against the wall as he watched Spot go through his stuff and glance over the paperwork as though he’d done it before.

“Thanks, Racer.” 

“Was it scary in jail?” Race asked, and Spot almost laughed.

“Pfft. No.”

“Really? You weren’t freaked out?” 

“Do I look freaked ta you?”

Race shook his head. “You’s surprisingly calm.” 

“Yeah. Ain’t my first rodeo.” Spot muttered, plugging his phone in to charge and sitting next to Race on the bed, reading through the paperwork the police station gave him. 

Race didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, but his curiosity was getting the better of him. He wasn’t one to judge on appearance, but Spot definitely looked like the kind of kid who’d seen some shit. Race didn’t know what to say, watching as Spot’s expression grew darker with embarrassment. 

“You...you been ta jail b‘fore?” Race asked cautiously, and Spot nodded once. 

“Yeah.”

“Oh.” 

“I was a dumb kid.” Spot admitted quietly after a minute. “Did a lotta dumb shit.” 

“You were arrested as a  _ kid _ ?” Race felt his heart pang with worry.

“Oh yeah. I think I’s gotten arrested….” he thought for a second. “Six? Tonight makes seven times.” 

“Oh. Wow.” Race said quietly. 

“Ugh.” Spot groaned. “Jack better fuckin’ pay me for halfa’ this. It’s gonna cost like $200 ta get my car back.” 

“They took your car?” 

“Impounded it.” 

Spot frowned and then looked to Race, who was watching him with concern. 

“What?” he asked, and Race surprised him by leaning over and wrapping his arms tight around Spot’s shoulders, pressing his head against Spot’s gently.

“I’m just real glad you’re okay.” Race said softly.

Spot allowed himself to lean into Race’s embrace for a very brief second before they both sat back straight and ignored that it’d happened.

“I’ll be fine, Racer. I’m sorry if I scared ya.” 

Race nodded. His hand inched closer to Spot’s on the bed but he forced himself to keep his distance. 

“It’s okay.” Race insisted. “An’ you don’t gotta tell me ‘bout what happened, but if you do, I’m here for ya, and I’ll listen.” 

Spot nodded thoughtfully. “Do…” he struggled for a second. “Do you wanna know? Is that okay?” 

“Sure, if you wanna tell it.” Race turned a little to face Spot on his bed, watching him pick at his cast and try to hide any emotions he was feeling. “‘m here for ya, Spotty.”

“‘s a long story,” Spot admitted, “But me an’ Jack’ve known each other for a real long time. Met when we was like, 13. We was both in foster care an’ got put in a real shitty home, for bad kids.” 

“That sucks.” Race said softly, “For bad kids?” 

“Yeah. I was a pretty bad kid back then. Jack wasn’t, but he got pegged as a bad kid ‘cuz he’d stick up for other kids an’ get inta fights for ‘em an’ shit.” Spot rolled his eyes. “Anyways, we really hated that place, an’ the bastard who runs it is a dick an’ he…” Spot shook his head. “He’s goin’ ta a very special hell.” Spot sighed, glancing up at Race. “Listen, this shit’s a secret, okay? I don’t think Jack wants no one knowin’, so ya can’t tell no one ‘less he’s okay wit’ it.” 

Race nodded seriously. “Got it. I won’t say nothin’.” 

Spot nodded, looking away. “Crutchie got put in that home. The bad one.” 

Race jolted with surprise. “ _ WHAT??”  _

“Yeah, I dunno. So Jack is freaked, an’ I got freaked, ‘cuz it’s…” his tone got softer and it scared Race a little. “It’s real bad there, Race.” he swallowed hard, hesitating before continuing. “So me an’ Jackie go to see if Crutchie’s okay, ‘cuz we was scared, an’ we got caught on the prop’ty so we got arrested fer trespassin’.” 

“Oh wow.” Race said softly. “Is Crutchie okay? I thought he lived with him an’ Jack’s mom?” 

“Yeah, Medda’s tryin’ ta get him back home. Foster care fuckin’ sucks.”

Race frowned. “That’s so awful. Poor Crutch.” 

“He’ll be okay.” Spot said, more for himself than Race. “He’s smart. He’ll be a’ight.”

“An’ you? Did you an’ Jackie see the guy? The one who’s goin’ to special hell?” Race asked, and the look on Spot’s face said it all.

“Yeah.” Spot’s voice sounded thick, and Race felt his stomach sinking.

“You okay?” 

Spot shrugged. “I mean, it wan’nt fun. But I punched him, so that felt good.” 

Race snorted a little. “You gotta stop punchin’ things, even if they’s deserve it.” Race poked at Spot’s hand in the cast, and Spot smirked a little. 

He flexed his other hand, which was barely bruised. Spot wished he’d punched Snyder harder...and more. He would gladly suffer two broken hands if it meant that bastard even had a slice of the suffering he put the kids who came through his home through. 

“Is Jack okay?” Race asked next, and Spot shook his head. 

“I dunno. But if I was ‘im, I prob’ly wouldn’t be.” 

“Oh.” Race said softly. “‘m sorry. I’m sorry ya had ta see the guy again. An’ that Jack ain’t okay.” 

“Yeah. He will be, ‘ventually.” Spot sighed. “That was heavy stuff. ‘m sorry, Racer.”

“It’s okay,” Race assured him. “‘m glad you trust me like that. It means a whole lot.” 

“I…” Spot hesiated. “I do trust ya, Race. Thanks for listenin’. An’ not carin’ that I’s got arrested.” 

“I care,” Race corrected him, “But only ‘cuz I care ‘bout you. ‘m glad you’s okay. An’ I don’t care ‘bout your past or nothin’, I care ‘bout who you is now.” 

Spot couldn’t meet Race’s eyes. His throat felt thick and his stomach  _ hurt _ like it did when he spent a lot of time alone with Race and he really wanted it all to stop. He’d never  _ ever _ opened up to someone like he just had and it was starting to make him panicky. Race now knew more about him than anyone else did, and he hadn’t even told him  _ that much _ . The only people who knew more than Race were Jack and Spot’s ex, Danielle, and that was because they lived through it with him. What freaked Spot out more than Race knowing this stuff was that he wanted to keep telling him things. He wanted to tell him how the first time he got arrested he was only twelve and he cried the entire night alone in the holding cell. He wanted to tell him how he moved around so much he didn’t have an actual address for years, and would spend as little as four days in a foster home before being shipped off to a new one. He wanted to tell him how he’d get into fights at various schools that were bad enough that he was expelled from every public school in East Brooklyn. He wanted to tell him all the other stupid things he’d done that led to him getting arrested and worse. He wanted to tell Race  _ everything _ , and it was absolutely terrifying. No one should know  _ everything _ about him. No one could be trusted that much. 

But Spot trusted Race. He trusted Race more than he trusted Jack, more than he’d ever trusted Danielle, and honestly, more than he trusted himself. Spot knew he was an idiot with little impulse control. And for as reckless as Race could be too, he somehow made Spot feel like he didn’t have to be impulsive. He had someone who genuinely cared about him and his feelings, he had someone to call if things got bad. For the first time in a very long time, he wasn’t completely on his own.

“Ah. Thanks.” Spot managed after a minute, clearing his throat as his voice threatened to crack. Race frowned a little and looked Spot over, suddenly realizing how close the two were sitting to one another. Too close. Race could hear Spot’s breathing. He swallowed as he saw Spot’s muscles tense as they both silently leaned a little closer. Spot looked up and met Race’s eyes, his warm brown eyes connecting with Race’s cool blue ones. The gap between their faces grew smaller and smaller, and they both stopped, only a small space between them remaining. The air between them grew still and neither boy moved. 

“I-I’m...it’s..” Race swallowed hard. “We should sleep.” he whispered, eyes still locked on Spot’s. 

“Yeah.” Spot breathed. He blinked and looked away, feeling his neck grow hot with...embarrassment? He wasn’t sure. “Night, Racer. Thanks for listenin’.”

Race nodded, turning off the light and climbing into his bed across the room. 

“Anytime, Spotty. Night.” 

Spot cleared his stuff off his bed and laid down, too distracted to even change out of his clothes. He stared straight at the wall in the dark, hating the way his stomach was in knots. He shouldn’t have these sorts of feelings. He shouldn’t have  _ any _ feelings. Who needed feelings anyway? Not him. Not for Race. 

_ Especially _ not for Race. 

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry not sorry for that ending....emotions are building, it'll keep building for a while. s l o w b u r n.
> 
> Davey and Katherine get their explanations soon! 
> 
> Thoughts/questions/comments/concerns? ;) Look forward to all the yelling I totally deserve for that ending. 
> 
> Thank you everyone who was so sweet with the well wishes in the comments of the last chapter. I really appreciate it! Finals are almost over which means I'll actually be able to dedicate real time to this fic! YAY! 
> 
> Tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	6. Texts and Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's battling his guilt, and Kath and Davey finally get some answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mild warnings for Jack's general anxiety.

*

Jack wrapped his arms around himself as he sat on Medda’s couch, flipping through the TV stations and trying to forget that the night even happened. Medda had stayed up with him for a long while, attempting to talk him through the things that happened, but backed off when Jack made it clear he was not in a place to talk about anything. She’d sat with him in silence for a long time, letting him relax, before he finally insisted that she go to bed. Medda had offered Jack his old room, which was now Charlie’s room, but he insisted he’d be fine on her couch, watching TV late into the night. It was almost 3am now, and Jack still hadn’t slept. He was pretty sure that he wouldn’t be sleeping for a while. He knew as soon as he closed his eyes his brain would replay images of the Refuge and Snyder and Crutchie and the police sirens and Spot and then he wouldn’t be able to breathe and-

Jack huffed a sigh, burying his face in one of Medda’s couch pillows, focusing on the TV stations. He didn’t even feel like watching anything, he just wanted to not have to remember. He wanted his brain to shut up and let him rest. He finally settled on a station, watching some cooking show and managing to zone out enough that he started to doze off. He was physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, and whatever bake-off he was watching was acting essentially as a lullabye. 

Jack’s eyes were only closed for a few minutes when he started to see red and blue lights flashing behind his eyelids. He squeezed his eyes tighter, smushing his face against the pillow. 

_ YOU. JACK KELLY. _

Snyder’s sneer jolted Jack awake and he whimpered, eyes blurring with tears as he focused back on the bake-off. He glanced at his phone, reaching over to the coffee table to open it and glanced at all his unread notifications. His heart sank as his thumb hesitated over the text message app, finally pressing it and scrolling through the texts he’d gotten and hadn’t read. 

_ Kath (4:45): hey want to get dinner tonight? :) _

_ Kath (4:50): I can pick something up if you just want to stay in _

_ Kath (4:52): We should do something with Davey before he leaves! Sarah’s down for dinner if you’re free _

_ Kath (5:12): Text me baaaack _

_ Kath (5:34): Are you okay? :( _

_ Kath (6:03): You’re worrying me. You didn’t answer my calls. If you forgot to charge your phone I’m going to kill you. _

_ Kath (6:44): Why aren’t you texting meeeeee _

_ Kath (7:02): Jack please answer me  _

_ Kath (7:50): Is everything okay? _

_ Kath (8:21): You’re scaring me. _

_ Kath (8:42): Jack please be okay _

Jack sniffed and wiped at his face as his eyes welled with tears. Kath’s messages picked up a while later. 

_ Kath (11:03): I don’t know what you did or why but I’m here. And I’m sorry I yelled at you. That wasn’t fair of me. I was upset. _

_ Kath (11:03): I’m sure you’re way more upset, that was no excuse. _

_ Kath (11:05): I’m here if you want to talk about anything. I hope you get to sleep. I love you. _

Jack bit his lip to keep from crying, blinking away his tears. He wanted to reply but didn’t know what to say, so he went back to his other notifications, scrolling to the top of Davey’s messages next.

_ Davey (5:00): Kath wants to get dinner tonight, you want to come? _

_ Davey (5:13): Are you busy? _

_ Davey (5:34): Where are you? We can meet you somewhere if you want! _

_ Davey (6:10): Kath’s kinda freaking out. Call her back. _

_ Davey (6:30): Call ME back _

_ Davey (6:35): Goodness Jack call SOMEONE back _

_ Davey (6:42): Race said you and Spot went somewhere today _

_ Davey (6:43): Is everything okay? _

_ Davey (6:43): Spot isn’t answering either _

_ Davey (7:20): Jack Katherine is super upset you need to call her before she calls the police or something _

_ Davey (7:50): Now I’m getting worried too please call one of us back this isn’t like you _

_ Davey (7:50): Or at least text that you’re okay _

_ Davey (8:15): It’s getting late Jackie where are you _

_ Davey (8:20): Do you need help? _

_ Davey (8:33): Where are you? _

Jack wanted to throw his phone against the wall. He felt  _ awful _ . He scared his friends, he worried them, Katherine was upset, Davey was upset, Race was probably upset, he should’ve told them he was going somewhere he should’ve said  _ something _ so they wouldn’t have been so worried about him all day. He wanted to throw up.

_ Davey (9:32): I talked to Medda. She’s going to get you and Spot from jail. I don’t know why I’m texting you this because you aren’t going to be able to see it. I guess they take your phone in jail, right? _

_ Davey (9:32): I’m so sorry Jack I got so scared I froze _

_ Davey (9:32): I talked to your mom though she’s coming. _

_ Davey (9:32): *Foster Mom. I’m sorry _

_ Davey (9:36): I hope you’re okay. I wish I could do more. _

_ Davey (10:02): If you can, let me know when Medda gets you so I know you’re okay _

_ Davey (10:02): And so Kath can breathe again _

_ Davey (11:44): I want to help, tell me how I can help _

_ Davey (12:20): I’m sorry. I hope you get some rest. I’ll be here in the morning. Goodnight. I’m sorry. _

Jack sniffed, shaking his head. Why was Davey  _ sorry? _ Jack was the one who should be sorry. He disappeared for five hours and turned up in jail. He was the one who scared his girlfriend and his best friend half to death. He was the one who cost his old foster mother a  _ lot _ of money to bail him out. He was the one who added another arrest to Spot’s record. He was the one who caused all of this. 

He was the one who got Crutchie in trouble. 

It was his fault Crutchie was in the Refuge at all. And it was definitely his fault that Crutchie was going to have to face Snyder after what happened. 

Jack didn’t want to think about what he’d do to him. 

But now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

_ Your fault. _

_ This is your fault. _

_ It’s your fault he’s there.  _

_ It’s your fault he’s going to get the shit beat out of him. _

_ You got involved and made it worse.  _

_ You always do this you always make it worse- _

Jack groaned, pressing his hands over his eyes as he laid back down, so  _ so _ desperate to sleep. After a long time of fitful guilt and  _ not _ sleep, Jack got frustrated and stood up, grabbing the throw blanket that Medda had given him to use, his phone, and the throw pillow he’d been sleeping on and started down the hall to his old bedroom. He hesitated in front of the door before pushing it open and sniffing back tears. 

The room looked just like it always did, and Jack felt a pang in his heart when he noticed that Crutchie didn’t have a new roommate, even though other kids lived in Medda’s house. The bed that had been Jack’s was empty, clothes and shoes and other random things on it now. Some of Jack’s old posters and drawings were still on the wall next to his old bed. Crutchie’s side of the room was mostly neat, his favorite jacket was draped over his desk chair, books and DVDs and laptop still sitting on his desk, like he was just spending the night with Jack and Davey at their dorm, and he’d be back in the morning. Like nothing had changed. 

Jack whimpered and tugged the blanket around him, lying down on his brother’s bed. 

_ Your fault your fault your fault- _

Jack squeezed his eyes shut and grabbed Crutchie’s headphones off his desk, jamming them in his ears and playing music loud enough to cover up his thoughts. 

_ Your fault your fault- _

He played the music loud enough that he couldn’t hear anything else. Loud enough that it kind of hurt his ears. 

_ Your fault- _

Loud enough that he could focus only on that. And eventually, he fell asleep.

*

Katherine sighed as she looked at her text messages again, for the twentieth time that morning. She sighed as she glanced at the read receipts again.

_ 3:32am? Oh, Jack… _

Katherine had gotten up early, careful to not wake Sarah, (who made it clear that after being up so late last night that she’d kill anyone who dared wake her before 10) and hurried to the coffee shop to get some work done. She’d pulled her hair into a bun, did her makeup, and left her dorm with determination to help her boyfriend. She was going to find out what happened to Jack, and she was going to fix it. And if she couldn’t fix it, she’d be there to help him through it. She felt terrible for yelling at him when he called last night, and wanted to do everything in her power to fix it. She was terrified that he hadn’t been around or contacted them all day, and finding out he’d been arrested had been on the list of Worst Case Scenarios that filled her brain throughout the day. Once she knew he was alive and somewhat safe and not in danger, her anger went back to worry, and her sharp words turned to regret in her head. 

Especially after talking with Spot. 

_ “I ain’t tellin’ all Jack’s secrets. But you’s betta’ be nice ta him. Shit he dealt wit’ tonight ain’t easy an’ we weren’t expectin’ things ta go the way they did.” _

Katherine felt a pit in her stomach the second Spot said those words. 

Secrets. What kind of secrets? She thought they got things out in the open between them after the strike. They had lots of long conversations about his past, her parents, and their future. She thought they’d reached an understanding. 

She couldn’t help if she didn’t know what he needed. She couldn’t help him through whatever he dealt with last night if she didn’t know about it. She couldn’t problem solve if he wouldn’t give her the variables to do it. Katherine knew Davey was on the same page, they discussed it in depth last night before going to bed. 

Davey met Katherine at the coffee shop a little later that morning, getting breakfast with her while they waited for Jack to call or text. Both were hesitant to reach out first, especially since he hadn’t replied to either of their texts from the day before, but Katherine broke the ice first. 

_ Kath (9:44): Davey and I are getting breakfast at the coffee shop if you want to join :) _

The message was sent, delivered, and read within minutes, but Jack didn’t reply, and Katherine’s heart sunk a little. She ignored it, distracting herself with the article she was working on for the internship she started next week, having Davey proofread it for her. 

“This is real good, Kath. Your tone is strong, you argue your points well, you can barely tell a student wrote this.” Davey told her, clicking the pen in his hand as he edited her printed copy of the article. 

“Thanks,” Katherine said with a smile, “I really appreciate you reading this so many times.” 

“Anytime,” Davey assured her, circling one section and writing his notes in the margin, “You know I love reading your articles.” Davey crossed out a sentence and reworded it under the passage, Katherine smiling as he worked. “You’re going to do  _ great _ at this internship, Kath. And it’s going to look so good on your resume.” 

Katherine nodded. “Oh it will. I’ll probably just be getting coffees and editing fluff pieces, but every editor in chief has to start somewhere!” 

Davey grinned. “That’s the spirit!” 

Katherine pouted a little, leaning on the table and watching her friend. “Are you  _ sure  _ you don’t want to stay here for the summer? You could intern too! Build your resume!” 

Davey sighed, flipping the page and starting on new notes. “We’ve talked about this, Kath. I promised my parents I’d help out with Les this summer. With my dad working nights now and my mom busy with the baby, they really need the extra set of hands. I can build my resume next summer...it’s fine.” 

Katherine frowned, knowing how disappointed Davey was that he had to turn down internships he’d applied for. She nodded in understanding. 

“I know, I know. Maybe Jack and I can come up for the weekend sometimes to visit! And we can meet your new brother!” 

Davey looked up from the paper and smiled. “I’d like that.” he glanced at his watch. “Speaking of, did Jack ever text back?” 

Kath checked her phone again, sighing. “No, not yet.” They both met each other’s eyes warily and went back to work, ignoring how concerned they were. Davey finished with Katherine’s article, helping her bounce around ideas for other pieces she was working on, and then listening to her suggestions for his studies in the fall. They both got caught up in their work and didn’t notice at first when Jack walked into the coffee shop a little over an hour later. 

Spot watched Jack warily as he made his coffee and handed it to him. Jack tried to pay for it, but Spot shook his head. 

“On me.” 

Jack shrugged. “Thanks.” 

“How you doin’ this mornin’?” Spot asked, leaning against the counter. “You look tired.” 

“So d’you.” Jack mentioned. “‘m fine. You?” 

Spot nodded. “Yeah. Fine.” 

Jack and Spot both exchanged nods of understanding before Jack steeled himself and went over to his and Katherine’s usual table, pulling a chair over and sitting down between his friends. 

“JACK!” Katherine gasped, leaping from her chair and tackling him in a hug, catching him by surprise. He tensed immediately before attempting to hug her back. 

“Jackie!! We were so worried! Why didn’t you text us?” Davey asked, hugging Jack after Katherine let go of him. 

“We were  _ so _ worried!” Katherine repeated, putting a hand on Jack’s cheek, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re okay.” 

Jack shrugged off their hands and concerns. “Don’t worry, I’m fine. Promise. I’m real sorry ‘bout everythin’ that happened yesterday. It was my fault, I shouldnt’a dragged you inta it.” he glanced at Davey, who looked increasingly guilty. 

“Jack, I’m so sorry-” 

Jack shook his head. “Don’t ‘pologize, Dave. Ya didn’t do a thing wrong. I did, I was the one in jail.” 

Katherine reached for Jack’s hand. “Are you alright? What happened? Why were you arrested?” 

Jack brushed her off, taking his hand from hers and jamming his hands into his jacket pockets. “I uh...it’s a long story. I don’t really wanna tell it all, but it’s all okay now, an’ that’s what matters.” 

Davey glanced at Katherine and then back at Jack. 

“You...you can tell us, Jack. We aren’t going to judge you or anything, we just want to help.” Davey said carefully.

Jack smirked a little, “Don’t need help, everythin’s fine. I mean it.” 

Katherine frowned, gently sliding her hand on Jack’s shoulder, noticing him recoil ever so slightly at her touch. 

“We’re here for you, Jack.  _ I’m  _ here for you. Whatever happened, you can tell us.” Katherine insisted gently. 

Davey nodded in agreement and Jack looked between both of them, starting to feel panic rise in his chest. He forced it down, forcing a smile. 

“I mean it guys, me an’ Spot got caught doin’ somethin’ dumb, we was sneakin’ where we weren’t suppos’ta an’ got pinched for it. Ain’t a big thing. I stayed wit’ Medda last night so she could lecture me ‘bout gettin’ ‘rrested an’ havin’ her pay the bail.” Jack said, hoping his half-hearted excuse sounded convincing enough.

Katherine met Davey’s eyes before looking back at Jack carefully.

“For sure?” Katherine asked, and Jack nodded, kissing her cheek.

“For sure. I’m real sorry I scared ya guys. It wan’nt fair ‘a me ta just...disappear.” 

Davey and Katherine both nodded. 

“We  _ were _ scared,” Davey said gently, “But really glad you’re okay.” 

Katherine nodded in agreement. “Really, really glad.” 

Jack shrugged. “I’ll text more. ‘m so sorry I freaked ya out.” 

Katherine gently hugged him again, Jack melting into her embrace this time. 

“It’s okay. And I’m so sorry I yelled at you last night on the phone, I shouldn’t have said anything at all, especially not swearing at you, but I was  _ scared _ and I just....” she sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jack.” 

Jack smiled a little, the weight in his heart lifting a little at her apology. 

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Ace. I feel just awful I scared ya so bad. It ain’t never gonna happen again.” Jack told her, hugging her back gently. 

“I’m sorry too,” Davey added, “I froze and you needed me and I wasn’t…” he sighed, wringing his hands a little. “I should’ve been more assuring that I could do what you needed. I shouldn’t have panicked. I’m sorry, Jackie.” 

“Don’t be sorry.” Jack insisted, “Past is in’na past an’ we don’t gotta worry ‘bout it no more. Can we just..” Jack sighed, shrugging Katherine’s hand off his arm again and playing with his baseball hat in his hands. “Can we just pretend like it didn’t happen? Please? Just do somethin’ else an’ go back to normal an’ forget all the dumb shit I did yesterday?” 

Davey wanted to argue that they should talk it through and discuss it and set boundaries and hear each other out, because he certainly hadn’t said his piece and he knew Katherine hadn’t either, but the look on Jack’s face stopped him. He’d never seen his best friend look so....desperate. 

“Yeah.” Davey assured him. “It’s forgotten. What do you want to do today?” 

Jack shrugged, looking to Katherine. “You still want me to read that article for ya?” 

Katherine nodded with a smile. “Sure. Davey already had his way with it, but you know how much I value your thoughts.” 

Jack took a sip of his coffee and nodded. “Well, hit me wit’ it, Miss Pulitzer. I wanna read it. And Dave, if ya need help packin’ the rest of ya stuff, ‘m glad ta help.”

Davey smiled a little. “That’d be nice, thanks.” 

Katherine handed Jack her article, smiling a little as he sat back in his chair and propped one foot on the leg of her chair like he always did as he read. 

“I was telling Davey that maybe over the weekends we can go visit him and meet his new brother, if you want.” Katherine told Jack, and he looked up from the paper, smiling. 

“Yeah, that’d be great. As long as I don’t gotta change no diapers.” Jack teased, and Davey laughed a little. 

“Of course not, you’d be our honored guests. I can’t promise he won’t spit up on you though, babies do that.” Davey joked, and Jack smirked, rolling his eyes at Katherine. 

“We’re rethinkin’ this idea immediately.” he teased, and Katherine giggled. 

_ This is good.  _ Katherine thought to herself,  _ He’s okay. He’s laughing he’s smiling he’s joking he’s just fine. Stop worrying, Katherine. He’s fine.  _

Jack went back to Katherine’s article, relieved to be joking and laughing with his friends like nothing had ever happened. 

_ Maybe this will work, _ he thought.  _ Things are fine. Things are fine. Things are fine. Kath and Davey are fine. They aren’t mad at you. Things are fine. Things are fine.  _

_ It’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault. _

_ Things are fine. _

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how close Jack, Davey, and Katherine are, together and separately! Their dynamic is one of my absolute favorite things to play around with. 
> 
> another p long update! I hope you enjoyed! plenty more to drama to come! thank you everyone who's reading and commenting, your thoughts mean the world to me!! i love hearing what you think so much!
> 
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	7. Distractions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Race and Albert chat, Davey is worried about Jack, Jack and Katherine bond, and Davey goes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for anxiety/panic attacks for this chapter! If that makes you uncomfy, skip past the "Davey did not want to move out of his dorm" section. This chapter's nice and long to make up for me being bad at updating last week!

*

“You’re distracted, Racer.” Albert DaSilva said flatly as he watched Race attempt to do pirouettes in the mirror. “What’s wrong?” 

“I ain’t distracted,” Race insisted, prepping and turning again, hitting two and a half-hop-hop-three turns. 

“You can usually do like...four or more turns first try. Somethin’s up.” Albert pressed. “Talk to me ‘bout it.” 

“Nah, I’m fine. Really.” Race said again, groaning as he barely did a full turn. “‘m gonna practice somethin’ else.” 

“What’s the audition requirements again?” Albert asked, leaning back on his hands where he sat, still stretching on the floor of the studio. “You sure you even  _ wanna _ be goin’ to a ballet intensive?” 

“Fifteen a la secondes, five or six pirouettes. Barre routines, leaps, battements, whole nine yards.” Race sighed. “And yeah, ‘m at least gonna audition. An’ you an’ I already booked the musical theatre workshop for July. I wanna do another thing before then.” 

Albert shrugged. “You can always come home wit’ me an’ my fam for the start of the summer. They wouldn’t care. An’ we could go campin’ an’ shit.” 

Race shrugged too. “Nah, it’s okay. ‘m gonna be a camp counsellor at the studio an’ everythin’.” 

“Oh yeah. Well, if you ever wanna come up, just lemme know.” 

“Thanks man.” Race said with a smile, stretching out his splits so he could practice leaps. 

“I ain’t forgettin’ that you’s distracted though,” Albert called after him as Race leapt across the studio space, doing a front leap, side leap and switch leap combo that he favored. 

“Ain’t distracted!” Race insisted, leaping again. 

“You are!” Albert shouted, standing from his stretch and practicing some turns, immediately hitting four. “If I can do more pirouettes than ya, you’s distracted.” 

Race groaned, landing in a deep plié from his leap and glaring at Albert. He shook his head a little to clear it and focused hard to turn, getting four turns this time. He landed the last turn and raised both middle fingers at Albert, who snorted. 

“You weren’t even spotting.” Albert said with a smirk. “Who are ya and what’ve ya done with Race?” 

Race moaned, dramatically plopping down into a straddle and rolling onto his back. 

Albert kicked Race’s side gently with his foot. “Come on, spill.”

Race considered being honest for a second...he really  _ did _ need advice, or at least get this off his chest...he took a deep breath, glancing at Albert before continuing. 

“So there’s this guy…” Race admitted, rolling onto his side and standing up so he wouldn’t have to look Albert in the eyes. 

“A guy?” Albert grinned, following Race as he started across the studio again to do an across the floor combo. 

“Yeah, a guy.” Race said flatly, starting his routine. 

“Do I know ‘im?” Albert asked, and Race shook his head immediately.

“No. No.” Race said quickly, “He’s ah...a guy from work. He’s a lil older than us.” 

Albert raised his eyebrows. “An older man!” 

“Shut up. Not that old. He’s 19.” 

“That ain’t old.” Albert followed Race back across the floor. “What’s he like?” 

Race hesitated, starting a chene turn combo next. 

“He’s cute. An’ super annoyin’, an’ he’s way nicer than people think he is, but’ya gotta get ta know him to know that.” Race sighed a little. “Anyway. It’s dumb.” 

“You really like this guy.” Albert said after a second, “Lookit ya, all flustered.” 

Race groaned, covering his face with his hands. “UGH. Forget it, Al. I don’t wanna talk ‘bout this no more.” 

“No no, I ain’t makin’ fun’a ya! He must be pretty important for ya to get all blushy over ‘im.” 

Race’s mouth twisted up a little. “Yeah, I guess so.” 

“Have ya told ‘im how you feel?” Albert asked and Race gaped.

“No! Of course not!” 

“Well, why not? Nothin’ can happen if ya don’t say anythin’.” 

Race groaned. “No no no. Can’t do that. Yesterday was bad enough, I can’t do that again.” he muttered.

“Why? What happened yesta’day?” Albert asked, punching Race’s shoulder lightly. 

“I...almost kissed him. It was so stupid, it would’a ruined everythin’.” 

“You shoulda kissed ‘im!!” Albert teased, “Tell ‘im how you feel!” 

“No no GOD no. I couldn’t.” 

“What would it ruin?” 

“I just…” Race sighed, stomping his foot a little. “Everythin’. It’d make everythin’ weird an’ we wouldn’t be able to look each otha’ in the eyes an’ I’d have to see him every day an’ pretend like I didn’t kiss ‘im an’ I already have to pretend like I don’t wanna, an’ it’s awful….” Race walked over to the wall, hitting his forehead lightly against it. “This is so  _ stupid _ .” 

“Oh man, you’s really got it bad.” Albert said, “This is pitiful.” He put a hand on Race’s back. “Listen bro, you don’t gotta say nothin’ but you’s just gonna be miserable like this foreva’. Might’s well be miserable but know you said how ya felt. No regrets.” 

“Pretty sure I’d regret it,” Race mumbled. “I know he don’t feel the same.” 

Albert shrugged. “Ya never know, maybe he’d surprise you.” 

“I don’t….I don’t think he’s gay.” Race protested.

“Everyone’s a  _ lil _ bit gay.” Albert joked, hitting Race in the shoulder again. “An’ you’s a catch, Race. He’d be lucky to have ya.” 

Race smirked a little. “Thanks, Al. Can we just dance now an’ forget all about my crappy love life?” 

Albert nodded. “You got it. I’ll whoop your ass in barre, I watched like fifty youtube combos last night to prep you for this audition.” 

Race laughed. “Ain’t you the sweetest thing.” 

“Yeah yeah, friend ‘a the year. Lets go, Higgins. I wanna see that ballet butt.” 

Race laughed again, going over to the ballet barre and standing in first position, awaiting Albert’s instructions.

 

*

Davey did not want to move out of his dorm. He shouldn’t have put off packing for so long, but as soon as he was packing he realized he was leaving. He loved school, he loved having projects to do and things to study and accomplish and good friends to do it with. But now he only had a day left. And he felt like he should stay now more than ever, since he could tell Jack was lying about being okay and Davey had a sneaking suspicion that he shouldn’t be leaving Jack alone.

But his mother was texting him nonstop, and she was so excited for him to come home, and needed him to pick things up on his way, and she was counting on him to set still-rebellious Les straight, and help with the baby, and-

Davey took a deep breath, trying to remind himself that things weren’t as bad as they felt, and even when things got stressful, he was the mature, smart, responsible one and he could handle it. He always handled it.

But if there was one thing Davey wasn’t sure how to handle, it was Jack. He wanted so badly to make sure Jack and Katherine were both okay, since they were both clearly not, but he didn’t know how to help. He’d watched Jack fake his way through the day for the last two days, just barely holding it together, but not falling apart enough that anyone could call him out on it. Even  _ Spot _ was concerned, and Davey didn’t think he’d ever seen Spot too concerned about anyone. If Davey thought too hard about the situation, he’d start to get worried, and he was really afraid of freezing up on Jack again when he needed him. 

Davey glanced at his phone in his hand as he rode the elevator in the dorm building up to his floor. 

_ Momma: Did you catch the train yet? :) Do not forget to stop for diapers please _

Davey sighed, quickly texting back, to remind his mom that he wasn’t leaving for another half an hour or so and he’d tell her when he was on the train. He was already thinking about which Duane Reade to stop at before going to his family’s townhouse on the Upper East Side and making a mental list of other things to pick up while he was there before going home when he opened his dorm door and put his stuff down. When he left that morning Jack had still been asleep, and Davey knew that he hadn’t been sleeping well at night so he’d let him rest, but now he was gone. His bag and all his things were still in the room…

Davey jumped as Jack burst out of their bathroom, clearly just as surprised to see Davey as Davey was to see him. 

“Jack.” Davey frowned. “Are you okay? You look..” 

Jack looked like a deer in the headlights for a minute before he quickly attempted to regain his composure, clearing his throat and wiping at the sweat on his forehead trying fiercely to catch his breath. 

“I’m...I’m fine.” Jack insisted, but Davey shook his head. 

“You’re not,” he said quietly. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothin’.” Jack said quickly, cramming his baseball hat on his head and pacing away from Davey. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.” 

“You can tell me,” Davey told him, “What’s wrong? Are you sick?” 

Jack shook his head. “No, no. I’m fine.” 

Davey reached out, putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder. Jack jumped, hitting Davey’s hand away from him a little harder than necessary. 

“Ow!” 

“ _ Don’t touch me _ .” Jack snapped, his voice dangerously shaky. “I-I-I….” his breathing grew heavy and he squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to calm down. 

Davey’s expression fell. “Oh. I’m...I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” He tried, but Jack shook his head fiercely, eyes popping open. 

“Shit. Oh God. I hit you. Dave, I’m sorry.” Jack looked mortified. “I’m so sorry.”

Davey took a step back. “No, it’s fine. Jack, what’s going on? Please talk to me.” 

“‘m sorry, Davey, I didn’t mean…” Jack hid his face in his hands, doubling over a little as his voice cracked. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, Jackie, it’s okay. It was my fault. Can you tell me why you’re upset?” 

Jack shook his head, backing up so that his back was against the wall and slid down to sit on the floor, pulling his knees tight into his chest. Davey tried to ignore his heart in his throat as he watched his best friend cry into his knees. 

“Jack?” Davey crouched down next to him, still far enough away that he wasn’t in Jack’s personal space. “Whatever’s going on, I can help.” 

“No no no no,” Jack insisted, scooting further away from Davey. “Just leave’m alone, ‘m fine, ‘m fine.” 

Davey shook his head, instinctively reaching for Jack again but stopping himself. “Is...is it the jail thing? Did something happen that night, Jack?” He tried, “Spot said something about things not going the way you expected.” Jack groaned, turning away, pressing the heels of his hands into his forehead. 

“Dave I needja to stop,” Jack said, his voice shaking.

“You need to talk to someone, Jack! You’ve been pretending like everything’s okay when it’s obviously not, just let me help you.” 

“ _ STOP _ .” Jack shouted, “I said I  _ can’t _ , Dave why the fuck can’t you just….” Jack groaned, grabbing at his head, pulling his hat down tight. “You can’t fuckin’  _ listen _ an’ I can’t do it, I  _ can’t _ , I..” Jack covered his face with his hat, and Davey tried to calm down as he got more and more scared upon watching his best friend break down.

“You  _ can _ , Jack. I’m here for you.” 

“No, no, no.” Jack insisted, chest heaving as he tried to keep oxygen in his lungs. “You  _ ain’t  _ Dave you can’t be...not this…” 

“I am, Jack.” Davey insisted, getting a little defensive. “You put a lot of pressure on me the other night and I dealt with it because I care about you and you’re my friend, but I’m not going to sit here and watch you lose it and not help you.” 

“I don’t  _ want ya help. _ ” Jack snapped, “Ya ain’t helpin’ when you’s freakin’ out too an’ I can’t…” Jack tilted his head back against the wall, squeezing his eyes shut. “Just leave me alone, David.” 

Davey shook his head. “Just tell me what you need,” he said earnestly, voice gentler. “I want to help. You...you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, just tell me what to do to help you.”

Jack looked up to Davey miserably. “Please, please just go away.” 

Davey frowned. “I’m not-”

“ _ Please _ .” Jack begged. “Ya asked me an’ I toldja. I can’t be ‘round no one right now.” Jack’s voice was thick with emotion and Davey was scared by the desperate pain in his eyes. 

“I…” Davey shook his head a little. “I don’t want to leave you.”

“Please. Dontcha gotta catch a train?” Jack sniffed, his shoulders shaking as he tried to relax. 

Davey nodded slowly. “Yeah...Okay. Fine. You sure?” 

“Yeah.” Jack pulled his knees up and rested his head in them. 

“Can you call me later?” Davey asked, “So I know you’re okay?” 

Jack nodded into his knees. “Yeah.”

“If you need me, I’m just uptown. I’ll come back. I want to help, Jackie.” 

Jack nodded again, wrapping his arms tight around his knees. Davey swallowed hard. 

“Okay. Okay, I’ll see you later, yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

Davey slipped his bag over his shoulder and took his suitcase, sparing one last look at Jack before he left the room. With each step he took down the hall, the further he felt his stomach sink and the more dread he felt pile onto his shoulders. 

*

Later that afternoon, Jack sat across from Katherine at the McDonalds only a few blocks from campus, laughing as Katherine threw french fries at his face. He caught another fry between his teeth, wiggling his eyebrows at his girlfriend. 

“Ya gotta do better than that,” he said between the fries in his teeth. “Again!”

Katherine giggled and tossed another fry, this one higher, and Jack leaned forward to catch it in his mouth, chewing and swallowing. 

“You’re bad at this.” He told her, “Get creative.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” Katherine asked, and Jack smirked, shrugging. 

“Can’t do it?”

“Ooooh, you’re on, Kelly.” Katherine slid her chair back a little and leaned further away before tossing the fry, which he still caught. She pursed her lips as she stood and walked a few table spaces away, apologizing to a couple that she almost backed into as she threw another fry, and then another, Jack cheering as he caught them both in succession. 

“HOW?” Katherine shouted, laughing. She pulled out her phone and opened it to Snapchat, filming as she pulled another fry out of the McDonalds bag and threw it across the restaurant, Jack sliding across the table to catch it, making Katherine laugh out loud. 

“NOOOO.” She shouted, laughing hard. “HE CAUGHT IT!” she zoomed in on Jack, laughing while lying across the table.

Jack laughed hard, lying flat on the small McDonalds table, the plastic tray clattering to the ground next to him. 

“Don’t film it!!!” he laughed, “We’s makin’ a scene!”

Katherine giggled, pressing send so the video went to their group. 

“OOH!” Jack said from the table, “Behind your back!” Jack said between laughs, “Toss it behind ya!” 

Katherine spun around, tossing a french fry over her shoulder, Jack sliding off the table and catching it in his mouth before crashing to the ground, laughing until his cheeks grew red. Katherine cried out with laughter and hurried back around, ignoring the stares of the other McDonalds customers and tossed a handful of fries into Jack’s face, him laughing so hard that he didn’t catch any of them.

“I win!” she declared and he stood up, grabbing her around the waist, making her shriek. 

“Ya cheated!” he laughed, lifting her up and spinning her around. 

Katherine laughed as Jack put her down and pecked a kiss to his cheek. 

“You’re salty.” she said, licking her lips, “Too many french fries.”

“I am what I eat.” Jack smirked, wiping at his face as he caught his breath from laughing. “Ay, Ace, you wanna milkshake? An’ then we can go watch a movie or somethin’ if ya want.” 

Katherine grinned. “Sounds great.” She cleaned up their mess while Jack ordered their milkshakes and took his hand in hers as they left the McDonalds. She smiled as they started the short walk back to campus. When she’d asked Jack if he wanted to do something that afternoon he seemed pretty standoffish, but she was glad she’d gotten him to come out of his room and spend time with her. It put her mind at ease that things were okay, and she was able to ignore that they probably weren’t for a while longer. 

“Hey,” Kath said as they kept walking and Jack looked to her curiously.

“What?”

Katherine kissed his cheek. “That was fun.”

“It was.” Jack agreed. “Thanks for makin’ me laugh t’night. I needed that.” 

Katherine smiled, squeezing her hand in his. “Anytime, love.” 

Jack squeezed her hand too and offered her one of his headphones as they walked so they could share music. Kath accepted it and smiled, taking his phone from his pocket and picking the music before they continued the rest of their walk in quiet.

*

Davey paced the kitchen in his family’s kinda-cramped townhome, holding his new baby brother on his hip, occasionally helping Les while he did homework for Hebrew School at the kitchen table, and keeping an eye on the soup on the stovetop. 

“How’s it goin’, Les?” Davey asked, pacing past the table again. Les rolled his eyes, snatching his paper away from Davey’s gaze. 

“None’ya business.” Les said, and Davey gave him a glare. 

“It  _ is _ my business. Are you working or not?” 

“I’m workin’, I’m workin’.” Les muttered, smoothing his paper and going back to practicing his Hebrew. “Geez.” 

Davey rolled his eyes, bouncing the baby on his hip as he started to fuss. 

“Hey did Momma feed him already?” Davey asked as he opened the refrigerator with his free hand, searching for a bottle. 

“Dunno.” Les said flatly. “Ya should’a asked her ‘fore she left to go shoppin’.” 

“Thanks.” Davey deadpanned. “So helpful, Les.” 

“ _ You _ asked.” 

“You’re no help.” Davey huffed a sigh as he found a bottle of baby formula and shook it up, giving it to the seven month old baby in his arms. “Just finish your work so I can tell Mom you did something.”

“What’s it to you if I finish or not?” Les demanded, “Don’tcha got more important things to be doin’ than babysitting me?” 

“Yeah,” Davey said, “But I’m here and I’m  _ trying _ to help you, but you’re being difficult.” 

“Ugh.” Les groaned. “You’re so  _ boring _ . What if I don’t do it, huh?”

“Then you won’t have a bar mitzvah, Bubbe will  _ kill you _ , and Mom and Dad will probably be mad at me for not making you finish.”

Les crossed his arms defiantly. “It’s not  _ your  _ fault if I don’t do anything.” 

“It  _ is _ when it’s my job to help.” 

“I don’t want’cha help.” 

Davey felt his shoulders stiffen at his brother’s words, immediately reminded of Jack’s same words to him earlier, and the sick feeling he’d been ignoring returned to his stomach. “Too late.” Davey said. “I’m here and I’m helping. Now shut it and show me what you have so far.” 

Les sighed, shoving the paper toward Davey, who read the Hebrew, deciphering Les’ chicken scratch handwriting. 

“Good, good.” Davey nodded, reading the words out loud and gesturing for Les to repeat him for practice. “Excellent!” he encouraged, “Keep going.” 

The baby started crying, pushing the bottle away, and Davey shifted the little boy to his other arm, quickly grabbing a pacifier from the kitchen counter and giving it to his baby brother. Les recited a few more lines before rolling his eyes at Davey. 

“Why do you keep checking your phone??” Les demanded, “If I can’t have my phone, you shouldn’t be have yours either. It’s not fair.”

Davey gave Les a flat look. “Am I grounded for two weeks? No, I’m not. You are.” Davey looked back to his phone in his free hand, bouncing the baby as he scrolled through his phone. 

“Are you texting your  _ boyfriend _ ?” Les teased, and Davey gave him a confused glare. 

“What?”

“You know...Jack!” Les said, as if it were obvious. 

“ _ Oy vey. _ Jack’s my best friend, not my boyfriend. And he’s dating Katherine. And I’m not gay.”

Les snorted. “You’re a  _ lil’  _ gay.” 

“Everyone’s a little gay.” Davey said with a shrug. “At least that’s what my friend Racetrack says.” 

“Racetrack, Spot, Jojo, Buttons, Mush….your friends have the weirdest fucking names, David.” 

“Language.” Davey said, trying to keep a straight face. “But yeah, they’re pretty weird.” 

“So you’re texting Jack?” Les asked, ignoring as Davey gestured to his work, which he swept aside. “Why didn’t he come home for summer too?? He’s so much cooler than you.” 

“Gee, thanks.” Davey said flatly. “He’s uh...he’s busy. He’s taking a summer class and staying on campus with Kath and Sarah.”

Davey sighed with relief as he opened a snapchat on his phone from Katherine to their dorm floor’s groupchat, smiling as he saw Jack goofing off and laughing with her at a McDonalds. 

_ Thank goodness. Jack is okay. He’s fine. He’s alive. He’s smiling and laughing and Kath is with him. Whatever happened earlier, he was okay now. Good good good good. _

“Okay, go back to your work.” Davey insisted, feeling the pit in his stomach that had been there since he’d left school earlier that day starting to loosen. 

Les groaned as Davey sat down next to him at the table and forced him to go back to work. This was going to be the longest summer ever.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dance terms:   
> pirouettes: basic dance turn, with the foot attached at the knee. single, double, triples are how many times you turn.  
> a la secondes: standard ballet turns, instead of attached at the knee the turning leg is held out to the side.   
> battements: front/side/back kicks, straight supporting and kicking legs, pointed feet.   
> chene turn: two-step turn, meaning "chain".
> 
> I don't think I've ever really said it in One of Us, but I got a message on tumblr abt it and figured I'd put it here! Here's how I headcanon   
> Jack is very bi  
> Race is gay  
> Spot is bi and doesn't really know it yet (he's getting there!)  
> Davey is ace  
> Albert is pan
> 
> I'm so sorry for not updating last week! Life continues to stay hectic but things are starting to look up! I appreciate everyone who's messaged me and commented and is excited about this story! I love you guys! 
> 
> special thank u to sage for beta-ing this chapter for me and not letting me have low self esteem over it! love you baby!


	8. Bad Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Spot make some more bad choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for underage drinking and drunken behavior in this one. If that sort of thing upsets you don't read this chapter!

*

Jack had been doing a marvelous job of pretending he was doing great. He went to the first day of his sculpting class and did very well, he signed up for classes at two art museums downtown, and spent most of the week hanging out with Katherine, Race and Spot, using them as distractions from how badly he had been feeling. Jack’s anxiety was at an all time high after his run-in with Snyder. There were days where he’d made excuses to avoid seeing anyone or do anything because the thought of anyone touching him, even Katherine, would make him freak out. Other days he was fine, and it wasn’t until something small set him off that he’d start to lose it. Kath seemed to understand he was fragile, but never babied him, and only tried once to get him to talk about it before she respected his wishes and let it slide, giving him the space he asked for when he needed it.

Jack had been trying so hard to keep it together, but he’d been having a bad day. After following up with Miss Medda for the hundredth time, she’d told him that it was taking longer than she’d expected to get Crutchie back in her house, and every day that he was in The Refuge was another day Jack’s guilt and anxiety ate him alive.

Jack, Katherine, Sarah, Spot, and Race were all sitting around a table at the coffee shop, getting lunch together. Spot’s shift had just ended and he’d joined his friends at their usual table with refills for their drinks.

“Okay, it’s offici’l, Spotty’s the only one ‘llowed to make my coffee for now ‘til forever.” Race announced as Spot handed him his drink.  

Spot snorted. “Yeah yeah. I’m a coffee god, we all know.”

“You really are,” Race said passionately, “The only one who makes it with all the espressos I want.”

“That much espresso’s gonna stop ya heart one’a these days.” Spot teased, “You’re just a twig full’a caffeine.”

Sarah snorted, her iced tea splattering her chin as she giggled. “Eloquently put, Spot.”

“He is! Look at him.”

Race grinned, foot tapping and knee bouncing as they usually did against the edge of Spot’s chair.

“A disaster.” Katherine teased. “Brimming with energy and over caffeination.”

“And anxiety.” Race added, adding finger guns to his statement, making his friends laugh.

Jack laughed with them, ignoring his own anxiety creeping up on him. Sarah had put a hand on his shoulder earlier when he wasn’t expecting it and it made him jump, and he’d been feeling self conscious ever since, worried of what his friends must think of him. Why couldn’t he be normal, like them? Why couldn’t he not have all these issues and a sketchy past and a _criminal record_ and all the things that made him so much different from the people he cared about? Why couldn’t he have a normal family and a normal past and be a normal kid? He was only _barely_ twenty and he felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, dragging him under.

“Hey,” Katherine mentioned after a while, several jokes and funny stories later. “What’s Charlie been up to lately? I haven’t seen him since your art show.” she looked to Jack expectantly, and Jack’s eyes widened with surprise.

Spot and Race exchanged a nervous look, watching Jack warily.

It took Jack a minute to get his brain to stop screaming before he managed an excuse.

“He’s ah...busy wit’ summer school. Had’ta retake a class. Six week thing an’ then he’s done. Only got a lil bit left.” He managed.

“Oh.” Katherine looked confused. “I thought he already graduated.”

“He did.” Jack said quickly, “He just had like two credits to make up. Still comin’ ‘ere in the fall, though.” Jack’s voice cracked a little and he cleared his throat, messing with the ball cap on his head as he looked away. Katherine narrowed her eyes, about to ask if he was okay, but Race interrupted.

“HEY. So there’s a summer intensive in Jersey that Jojo got into an’ I’m gonna audition for it!” he said, quickly changing the subject. “Whadda ya think?”

Spot raised a brow. He and Race already discussed the Jersey intensive and ruled it out as being too far away and too in New Jersey.

“Gross, Jersey.” Spot insisted, glancing to Jack, as he helped switch the subject.

“You sure, Racer?” Kath added, “Jersey’s far, and you kinda hate it there.”

“I mean, if Jojo’s gonna be there, it can’t be all bad.” Sarah suggested, “Plus you don’t have to take it if you get in, there’s lots of intensives you’ve been auditioning for.”

“True,” Katherine agreed, “You should go wherever you think you’ll learn the most, that’s the point of these intensives anyway. And if you’ll learn more in Jersey, then go for it!”

Race grinned as he rambled on about his other options for intensives and summer plans, and Spot focused back on Jack, who was trying to catch his breath and sinking into his seat. Spot made a mental note not to leave Jack alone later as he watched Jack excuse himself to use the restroom. He met Jack’s eyes as Jack stood up and gave him a reassuring nod, which Jack attempted to return, but Spot saw right through it.

*

“Let’s go out tonight,” Spot suggested as he walked with Jack back to his dorm ahead of their other friends.

“Spot, no.”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. An’ it’ll keep ya mind off things.”

“‘m fine, Spot, for real. I just wanna go ta bed.” Jack said tiredly.

“You an’ I both know you ain’t gonna be sleepin’.” Spot said flatly, and Jack winced.

Spot carefully put an arm around Jack’s shoulders, loosening his grip as he noticed Jack tense up.

“Look, we just go out for a bit, get ya to loosen up, an’ head back home. Ain’t nothin’ bad gonna happen.”

Jack frowned. “Don’ make me tell ya why that’s a dumb statement an’ why I shouldn’t trust ya on that one.”

“So ya’d rather have a panic attack all night ‘steada hangin’ out wit’ me?” Spot asked flatly, and Jack groaned.

“Spottttt.”

“I know ya, Jackie. Ya ain’t doin’ good an’ that’s okay but I wanna help. An’ if we can getcha mind off’a it, then let’s do it.”

“I really don’ think it’s a good idea.”

“So what do you wanna do ‘stead?” Spot asked, “You’s just gonna be miserable, might’s well be wit’ me.”

Jack made a face but shrugged. “I don’t wanna go nowhere, ‘kay?”

“Then we stay here.”

“I really don’t wanna go to a party or nothin’, Spot.”

“I ain’t gonna _make you_ do nothin’. I think ya _should_ loosen up an’ have a little fun, but I ain’t gonna force ya or nothin.”

Jack whined a little, glancing over his shoulder at Sarah and Katherine and Race, arms linked as they walked behind them.

“Where?” Jack asked, and Spot shrugged.

“I mean, I got plen’y a stuff for drinks in m’ room. We don’t even gotta leave our floor. We can play video games all night if you wanna.”

Jack groaned and Spot put a hand on his shoulder again.

“Remember that time in high school? Ya loosened up, ya had some fun, things felt good for a bit.”

“I got hungover.” Jack said flatly and Spot snorted.

“That’s what we got Advil for.” Spot patted Jack’s shoulder. “Listen man, I’m’ma be honest. I ain’t doin’ so hot neither. An’ I really wanna get drunk outta my head an’ forget it, an’ I think you oughta forget it too.”

Jack gave Spot a withering look but didn’t protest, nodding a little instead.

“Yeah.” he muttered, “Forgettin’ might be nice.”

*

Race was staying over with Albert and Jojo, working on last minute audition details, which meant that Spot and Jack were free to do whatever they wanted without anyone knowing just how poorly they were both doing.

In his defense, Spot was doing pretty well. If he didn’t almost kiss Race the other night, he would’ve been doing a hell of a lot better. Spot and Race both refused to even acknowledge that the other evening even happened, which was just fine by him. Jack on the other hand, was coping way less. Spot could see him shutting himself off from their friends, putting on smiles and his cocky jokester attitude to keep things light, and then crumbling the second anything went wrong. Everything Spot needed to know about Jack’s mental state, he saw in Jack’s eyes when Katherine mentioned Crutchie earlier that day.

Jack was four beers into their evening of video games and movies when Spot decided to ask him just what was going on.

“You damn near freaked on Kathy earlier.” Spot mentioned, and Jack shrugged, chugging the rest of his beer can and starting on another.

“You wanna slow down?” Spot asked, and Jack rolled his eyes.

“This was your dumb idea.” he mumbled.

“You heard anythin’ from Medda ‘bout Crutch yet?” Spot asked, still on his second drink.

“Yeah.” Jack wiped at his face sloppily, clearly already feeling the effects of the four and a half beers he had in the span of two hours. “They’re fuckin’ pissed an’ they won’t let ‘er do nothin’ ‘bout it. They’s goin’ ta court this week an’ if Medda loses Crutchie’s fucked an’ he either got’s ta stay wit’ Snyder or e’ll be moved ‘gain.”

“Moved where?” Spot asked, frowning with concern.

“Who knows?” Jack took a chug from his drink.

“Ain’t he agin’ outta the system soon?” Spot asked, and Jack shrugged.

“Six months. Long time. Ya can do a lot in six months.” Jack finished the can in record time and Spot’s eyes widened. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Jack reached for another drink but Spot grabbed his wrist.

“Cool it, Jack. It’s been like barely over ‘n hour an’ you’s already over-doin’ it..”

“‘m _fine_.” Jack snapped, tossing an empty can at Spot, who growled at him.

“ _Fine_.” Spot said with a huff. “Get wrecked, see if I care. I ain’tcha mom.”

“Yeah you ain’t.” Jack grumbled spitefully, starting on another drink with no hesitation. The pattern continued for the next hour, Jack drank through Spot’s entire stash of beers, getting progressively drunker, darker and more desperate. Spot, who wasn’t getting to have nearly as much fun as he’d wanted to tonight, babysitting a very drunk Jack, forced his friend to go back to his dorm, hoping Jack would just go to bed and he could keep drinking and playing video games in peace.

But Jack didn’t. He was miserable and awake and his brain was working a million miles a minute thinking rather irrationally about all the things that were causing him to fall apart.

_Your fault your fault your fault-_

_You’re ruining your friendships you’re ruining your relationship you’re ruining everything._

_This is your fault._

_You’re doing this to yourself it’s your fault-_

Jack gripped his head as he spiraled into despair, looking around his dorm desperately. His eyes landed on the polaroid pictures on his wall next to his bed, reaching out sloppily to grab one of them, a picture of him and Katherine from the end of the semester, taken after his art show when all of their friends went out for ice cream.

 _Katherine_. He needed Katherine. Where was she? Where was Katherine’s room? He needed her soft hands and her smile and her laugh and her reassuring eyes. He needed Katherine.

Jack’s breathing grew quicker and quicker and he looked around his room as the walls closed in on him. He stood up and scrambled to the door, the whole doorframe swaying away from him as he tried to find the doorknob and finally pushed himself into the too-bright hallway. He swayed where he stood, blinking at the bright hall lights, trying to get his bearings as he looked for Katherine’s door. He found it, whacking into the wall and groaning before he managed to knock hurriedly at Katherine’s door, not stopping until she opened it.

“Jack? It’s like three am, what are you doing-” Katherine stopped short as she looked her boyfriend over standing in her doorway. She pulled her robe around herself tightly, wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Are you okay?”

Jack almost laughed, kind of collapsing into Katherine’s arms, hanging on her.

“Kath, Kath’rine, Kitty, Kathhhhhhh,” he giggled, pulling himself from her arms and sloppily attempting to kiss her cheek, missing and hitting her ear instead.

Katherine pushed him back carefully. “What are you doing? Jack?”

Jack giggled again and Katherine’s face fell.

“Are you drunk?” she demanded, closing her dorm door behind her so she wouldn’t wake up her roommate. “Jack, what the hell?” she hissed, and Jack’s expression fell.

“‘m fine.” he said, eyes wide. “Are….are you drunks?”

Katherine glared at him. “What’s going on?”

“Kath, Kathieeeeeee, come ‘ere.” He reached for her and she swatted at his hands.

“Jack, stop it. It’s three in the morning. Why are you drunk right now? How…” she glanced around the hallway worried to wake anyone up and dropped her voice to a whisper. “How did you even _get_ alcohol?”

Jack blinked in confusion. “I...you’re mad.”

Katherine crossed her arms over her chest. “A little! It’s super late and you woke me up and you’re drunk off your ass.”

Jack’s expression crumpled and he buried his face in his hands. “Noooo, no.” he moaned and Katherine frowned.

“Go to bed and sober up, Jack.”

“Kath, no,” Jack cried, looking up from his hands, Katherine surprised to see his eyes wet with tears. “No, ya can’t be mad. Kath, I need ya. I can’t...ya can’t be mad at me...Kath’rine, please.” He reached for her again and she flinched away.

“Ya hate me now? I ruin’d it. I ruin’d it all!” Jack sobbed, taking a wobbly step backwards and stumbling, Katherine instinctively reaching out to grab him to keep him from falling. He flinched at her touch, twisting away from her grip and moaning in frustration as he grabbed at the wall to steady himself. “Ya hate me an’ I ruin’d it an’ it’s my fault, just like wit’ Crutchie an’ just like wit’ everythin’ else, I fucked it up an’ you’s gonna _leave_ an’ I knew it was comin’ I knew you’d figure out I ain’t worth it, I knew it-”

Katherine felt her heart catch in her throat. “Jack, you’re scaring me.” she said quietly, hands on his shoulders. “I don’t hate you. But you need to go to sleep and we can talk in the morning.”

“You’s gonna dump me, Kath’rine? Ya should, I ain’t good ‘nough for ya. I ain’t good ‘nough for nobody. I should’a gone ta Santa Fe, I should’a left when I’s had the chance, ‘fore I hurt er’ry one an’ got Spotty ‘rrested an’ Crutchie locked up an’ made ya hate me…” Jack slid down the wall, Katherine gripping him tight and helping him up.

“Jackie, don’t say that.” she insisted, mind spinning a little with the bits of slurred information Jack was giving her. “It’s okay. You’re fine, babe.”

“No, no I ain’t.” Jack whimpered, slumping into Katherine’s arms, dropping his weight and almost knocking her down in the process.

“Shit, Jack, stand up.” she muttered, forcing him back to his feet and helping him down the hallway, back to his room, the door still swung open. She led him into his room and sat him down on his bed. “Go to sleep.” she insisted, “It’s late. We’ll talk in the morning and figure this all out, but you need to sleep now.”

Jack shook his head, pulling on Katherine’s arm as she started to step away.

“No,” she told him, speaking to him like a toddler who wasn’t cooperating. “You’re going to bed, and I’m going to bed. I love you, we’ll talk in the morning.”

“Don’t lie,” he begged. “Ya don’t mean that.”

Katherine sighed, rolling her eyes a little. “Bedtime.”

“‘m sorry fer makin’ ya mad, Kath’rine.” Jack cried, lying down as she pushed him gently back against his bed. “‘m so sorry, baby. ‘m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Katherine told him gently, even though her mind was racing and she was getting increasingly scared watching Jack’s drunken breakdown. “Just...just get some sleep.”

“‘m sorry, ‘m sorry.” he repeated, and she felt her heart break with each slurred apology. He kept repeating it over and over as she left the room and closed the door behind her. She pressed her ear to the door and heard a different apology this time.

_“‘m sorry, Charlie, ‘m sorry, ‘s my fault, ‘m sorry.”_

Katherine’s stomach sank and tears filled her eyes as she wrapped her robe around herself and went back to her dorm. What was going on with Charlie that had Jack so upset he got drunk like this?

_Locked up..._

Katherine swallowed hard as she laid back down in her bed and attempted to go back to sleep. She tugged her blanket tight around her and squeezed her eyes shut, letting the tears that had filled them slip down her cheeks.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF. Jackie keeps digging himself deeper and deeper into despair, doesn't he?  
> Poor Katherine is trying her best. Hang in there, we're in the thick of it now.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Claire :')
> 
> More to come, thanks for sticking with this disaster of a story!! I appreciate all the comments and support, you are all amazing. <3 I really appreciate it! I hope that despite the angst, you're enjoying what you're seeing!! And if you ever have questions or suggestions of things you'd like to see in this universe let me know, I'm always writing and adding more and more things to my list! :)
> 
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	9. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack digs himself into a deeper hole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if there are any true warnings, just brace yourself for feelings!

*

When Katherine woke up the next morning after not having slept at all after Jack woke her up, she threw her hair in a ponytail and went for a walk around campus, immediately Facetiming the only other person she knew who’d be awake at 7:30am and willing to talk things through with her. 

“Morning Davey!” Katherine said, ponytail bouncing, waving at Davey through her iPhone. 

_ “Hey Kath, how’s it going?”  _ Davey asked, leaning back in his desk chair in his childhood bedroom. 

“Not great!” Katherine said with a cheery grin, “How about you?” 

Davey frowned.  _ “What’s the matter?”  _

“How are  _ you _ ?” Katherine emphasized, still grinning. “How’s your family?”

_ “I’m fine, they’re good too...”  _ Davey said cautiously, _ “What’s going on?” _

“I didn’t sleep last night.” Katherine said simply as she continued her walk.

_ “Why didn’t you sleep last night?”  _ Davey asked with concern,  _ “Are you okay?” _

“Nope!” Katherine still smiled and it was a little unnerving. Davey’s eyes narrowed as he watched her expression through his phone. 

_ “You gonna tell me what’s going on? Your smile is freaking me out.”  _

“If I don’t smile, I’ll cry!” Katherine said, still smiling, eyes wide as she tried to avoid getting emotional. 

_ “Why?”  _ Davey asked, immediately ten times more concerned. 

“Something’s wrong with Jack,” Katherine said, her voice catching. “He got really  _ really _ drunk last night, and I’ve never seen him drunk before, and it really scared me.” Her voice got small, and Davey frowned. 

_ “How drunk?”  _ he asked quietly, and Katherine shook her head. 

“It was bad, Davey. He could barely stand and he was inconsolable and crying and I didn’t know what to do so I just made him go to bed but I’m not sure if he is okay or not, and he kept saying stuff about Charlie and I don’t know what that meant and I tried texting Charlie but I haven’t heard back, but then again, it’s barely 8am and everyone except us is still asleep, and-”

_ “Katherine, take a breath.”  _ Davey told her,  _ “What did he say about Charlie?”  _

“He...he said he’s locked up, and it was his fault. And I don’t know what that means, what does that mean??” Katherine begged, and Davey shook his head. 

_ “I don’t know. Maybe he was just...I dunno. Delirious? I’ve never been drunk. I don’t know how it works.”  _

Katherine frowned. “Me neither.” 

They were both quiet for a minute before Davey spoke up again. 

_ “I think something happened to him when he and Spot got arrested,”  _ Davey said carefully, looking at Katherine through the phone.  _ “The day I left...he was having a really bad panic attack, Kath. And I didn’t know what to do and he begged me to just leave him alone and he’d be fine, and then I saw on snapchat later that you guys were at McDonalds so he really  _ was  _ fine but I just...I don’t know, I’ve never seen him like that before.” _

Katherine sniffed. “How bad?” she asked, “Like in movies?” 

Davey shrugged.  _ “It’s different. I mean, I’ve had anxiety attacks before, but not like that. He freaked out when I touched him, and I felt awful about it, but I didn’t even know that was something that bothered him. I guess he just needed some time to be alone.”  _

Katherine thought hard. “He’s...I feel like I’ve noticed that too, recently. He doesn’t want to hold hands and he’s fidgety and sometimes he flinches when I put my hand on his shoulder or something if he wasn’t expecting it and…” she trailed off, looking to Davey with worry. “Have I been making him uncomfortable? Is it my fault?”

_ “I don’t think it’s your fault, Kath. He hasn’t said anything to either of us, how would we know?”  _

Katherine sniffed, wiping at her face with her free hand. “I...I don’t know how to help him. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t force him to tell me what he’s going through or what’s upsetting him, but he can’t just scare me like that at 3am, drunkenly knocking on my door and sobbing in the hallway.” 

_ “Oh geez, Kath. I’m sorry.”  _

“I love him,” she whimpered, “I want him to be okay.” 

_ “So do I.” _

“What should I do, Davey? How do I help?” 

Davey shifted a little uncomfortably. He wasn’t sure, and he felt bad for not having all the answers. It seemed like more and more people were relying on him for answers lately, and he had less and less of them to offer. 

_ “I don’t think this is something we can help him with. He needs professional help, someone who knows how to help with panic attacks and can do more than we can.”  _

“Yeah,” Katherine nodded. “You’re probably right. This probably isn’t a new thing, either.” 

_ “No,”  _ Davey agreed,  _ “It seemed like he’d dealt with it before.”  _

“Poor Jack.” Katherine said softly, “Why hasn’t he told us?” 

_ “I don’t know,”  _ Davey said sadly,  _ “I wish he would’ve talked to us sooner, before things got so bad for him.” _

Katherine sniffed. “Should I talk to him?” she asked, “Maybe...I don’t know, I don’t want to overstep my boundaries.” 

_ “He trusts you and your opinion, Kath. Maybe he’d listen if you gently suggested he talk to someone or something.”  _

Katherine nodded. “Yeah...yeah. I can’t make him do anything, but I can at least suggest it?”

_ “Definitely suggest. It’ll be okay Kath. Keep me posted?”  _

“Yeah, I will.” Katherine said with a nod. “Thanks Davey. I’m sorry for putting all this on you, I’ve been so upset.” 

_ “Don’t worry about it. I’m here for you.”  _

“And I’m here for  _ you _ . Already miss you.” 

Davey smiled a little.  _ “Already miss you guys too. I’ll come visit soon, yeah?”  _

“Yeah.” Katherine nodded stronger. “Please do. I’ll let you know how it goes with Jack, okay?” 

_ “Keep me posted. I’m here if you need to talk, okay?”  _

Katherine smiled. “Same goes for you, ya know.” she told him. “Talk later?” 

_ “You got it Kath. Bye!”  _

The screen went dark and Katherine sighed, shoving her phone into her pocket as she continued her walk through the fresh air back to her dorm building. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, it was a beautiful day….

_ Count your blessings Katherine. Jack’s going to be okay. Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel. _

Katherine tightened her ponytail and set her resolve as she walked. She wasn’t going to cry, she wasn’t going to be upset, she was going to be the supportive best friend and girlfriend that Jack needed and show him that she was there for him. 

*

Jack woke up to a pounding headache and pounding on his dorm door. It wasn’t pounding, just light knocking that he immediately recognized as Katherine’s signature knock, but everything sounded louder this morning. 

_ What the fuck? _ He blinked the sleep from his eyes and glanced at the clock next to his bed, muttering a curse.

“How the fuck is it already noon?” he mumbled, rolling out of bed and grabbing the side of it to keep the room from swaying. He opened the door to reveal his girlfriend smiling at him. 

“Hey,” she said gently, “How’re you feeling?” 

He looked at her in confusion. “What?”

“You don’t look great,” Katherine admitted, handing him a water bottle and two ibuprofens. “Here.” 

Jack glanced at the pills she put in his hand and cautiously took them, dry swallowing them and chasing them with water from the bottle she’d handed him. 

“How’d you know-” Jack started and stopped, the events of the night before flooding his head. “Oh  _ shit _ .” he muttered, pressing his palm over his eyes. “God. Kath, I’m so sorry, oh no. Did I wake you up? What did I say? What did I  _ do _ ?” 

Katherine’s smile dimmed a little and she shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. Are you okay?” 

“I feel gross.” He admitted with a groan. “I…” he hesitated, deciding whether or not he wanted to be honest with her. “Spot an’ I was drinkin’ last night, guess we got carried away.” 

“Yeah.” Katherine nodded. “I figured.” 

“Did I...I don’t remember. Did I do anythin’ dumb?” 

Katherine smiled. “It’s okay, really.”

Jack looked miserable as he held the door open for Katherine to come into his room and he sat back down on his bed, her taking his desk chair. 

“No it ain’t. I’m an idiot, an’ I shouldn’ta gotten drunk an’ I  _ certainly  _ shouldn’ta said nothin’ to ya. What did I say?” 

“You were uh...pretty upset. And...it was my fault, I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you, I snapped at you and hurt your feelings and…”

“Your  _ fault _ ?? Ace, you ain’t the one what got drunk. It ain’t ya fault. It’s  _ my  _ fault,” he sighed, his voice getting darker. “Like everythin’ else.”

“No, it’s okay.” Katherine insisted, her voice squeaking a little. “Don’t say that.” 

Jack’s eyes flashed a little with panic. “Did I scare ya last night?” he asked, but it was almost more of a demand from his irritable mood and still pounding head. 

“I…” Katherine swallowed hard, looking away as she spun the chair around. “Yeah, Jack. A little. But it’s okay though, I’m not mad-” 

Jack groaned, shoving himself back against the mattress in frustration. 

“I fucked up, Katherine. I’m sorry.” 

“No, it’s okay, I promise.” 

“No, it ain’t  _ okay _ . I fucked up,  _ I scared ya _ , an’ now ya ain’t gonna be able ta look at me the same, an’ it’s ‘cuz I ruin  _ everythin’ I touch _ .” 

“Jack,” Katherine said shakily, “Don’t talk like that. You know that’s not true.” 

“Ain’t it?” Jack snapped, and Katherine frowned. 

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked, attempting an optimistic approach, “To help you feel better? I’d like to help.”

“No.” Jack muttered, hand on his aching forehead. “You don’t gotta get dragged inta my fucked up probl’ms.” 

“What if I want to be?” Katherine asked, her tone steady, “I care about you Jack, I want to help with whatever’s going on. You haven’t been yourself for weeks, and I’ve been kind and I’ve been understanding and I haven’t pushed you but...you  _ can’t _ just shut me out because I’m trying to help. That’s not fair.” 

“You don’t get ta talk to me ‘bout fair,” Jack sneered, rolling off his bed and going into his dorm’s bathroom and tugging on a clean t-shirt. Katherine politely looked away but glanced up in time to see him tug the shirt over his head and noted a thick scar across his bare back that made her heart drop a little. He walked back into the room and looked for his hoodie, which Katherine pulled off the back of the desk chair and handed to him. 

“What do you mean, ‘I don’t get to talk to you about fair’?” Katherine asked, frowning. 

“I  _ mean _ that none’a this is ya problem, an’ ya ain’t the one that’s dealin’ with unfairness, Kath’rine.” 

Katherine’s frown turned into a scowl. “I’m _ trying _ to be helpful.” she said a little defensively. “What’s so unfair, Jack? Did  _ I _ wake you up at 3am? Did  _ I  _ ignore your texts and calls and avoid you for the past several weeks? Did  _ I  _ blow off date night three nights in a row? Did  _ I  _ do those things Jack?” 

Jack frowned too, shoulders slumping slightly with anger. “You don’t know what’ya talkin’ ‘bout, Kath.” 

“I’ve been very patient and understanding with you lately. I knew you weren’t happy about Davey moving back home but this... _ this _ is something more than just Davey. You got  _ arrested _ .  _ WHAT _ is going on with you? Why can’t you tell me?” 

Jack wrapped his arms around himself tightly, nails digging into his hoodie. 

“I just  _ can’t _ , Kath’rine!!” he snapped, “I can’t! You wouldn’t understand an’ I wouldn’t wantcha to. It ain’t somethin’ I can just  _ explain _ ta ya, an’ I  _ know that _ .” he laughed darkly, shaking his head and tugging a hand through his messy hair. “Look, we should’a been honest ‘bout this from day one. I ain’t no good for ya, an’ you can do  _ way _ better ‘n some fucked up inner city foster kid wit’ a shit ton’a probl’ms that ain’t yours ta solve.” 

“Jack,” Katherine’s voice softened. “That’s not true.” 

“It  _ is _ Katherine! Evr’y one we know knows it. Yer  _ father _ made it pretty clear, an’ I’m sure plen’y’a other folks think it too.”

“Who cares?” Katherine demanded, frustration more than evident in her tone, “I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I want you, I want to be with  _ you _ .”

“You shouldn’t.” Jack muttered bitterly, and Katherine felt tears pricking in the back of her eyes. 

“Do...do you not want to be with me?” she asked, her voice small and shaky. She didn’t want to start crying, she didn’t want to give him that power over her emotions, especially since she should’ve known this was coming. She should’ve known he’d get tired of her, he’d find her annoying and draining despite how hard she’d worked to be the best girlfriend possible. She knew she’d become invisible, she’d be forgotten, she’d be abandoned. Because she always did. People always let her down.

“It don’t matter what I want.” Jack told her, flopping down into the desk chair opposite where Katherine sat. “‘m gonna wreck it all anyway, might as well get a head start.” 

Katherine swallowed hard. “Think very carefully about how you’re answering this.” She swallowed again, steeling herself. “Are you breaking up with me?” Jack’s hard expression fell as he met her eyes, surprised to see her lip quivering with just barely held back tears. 

He shook his head. “You oughta be breakin’ up wit’ me.” he told her. “I ain’t got nothin’ ta give ya, Kath’rine. I’m a wreck an’ you said so yaself. I woke ya up at 3am, I’ve blown ya off, I got arrested an’ scared the livin’ daylights outta you. What’re ya stickin’ ‘round for?”

“Don’t do this.” Katherine’s voice cracked. “Please.”

Jack didn’t reply, refusing to meet her eyes. Katherine swallowed a sob, her hurt quickly turning to anger. 

“Fuck you,” she whispered, voice tight with pain. “Fuck you, Jack. Fuck you for making me cry.” 

Jack’s shoulders sunk and he didn’t look up.

“I have been here for you through everything, I am  _ trying _ to be here for you now, I am being open and helpful and understanding and you... _ you’re pushing me away _ . You’re  _ leaving me _ , you can’t even look at me!” she shouted, standing from the chair suddenly, knocking it over. Jack jumped at the clatter as the chair toppled to the ground, his shoulders tensing tightly. 

“Ya don’t get to say nothin’ ‘bout people leavin’!” Jack insisted, wrapping his arms around himself again. “Miss Katherine  _ Pulitzer _ don’t know nothin’ ‘bout people leavin’. Ya ain’t never had ta worry ‘bout where ya next meal’s comin’ from, ya ain’t never gone to three high schools in one year, ya ain’t neva’ been moved ‘round inna middle of the night, an’ ya ain’t had ta go to ya parents’ fuckin’  _ funerals, Kath’rine. _ ” his voice was harsh and angry, fingers digging into his arms as he gripped himself tight. “Ya ain’t got  _ no room _ ta tell me ‘bout leavin’.”

Katherine’s expression stilled, startling Jack as it lost it’s frustration. Her eyes were devoid of tears, and any emotion other than burning anger.

“We all have dead people, Jack.” Katherine told him, her voice ice cold. “You don’t get to tell me how to feel. Life is hard for everyone.” She picked up her bag and slung it over her shoulder. “I think you need to grow up. Talk to me when you do.” 

With that she stormed from his room, slamming his door behind her, making him jump again. 

Jack sighed, burying his face in his hands as he slipped from the desk chair and sat on the ground, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them, hiding his face as he felt tears in his eyes. 

_ Great job. You have someone good and you destroy them. You’re good at that. _

He sniffed, Katherine’s words echoing in his ears as he thought through her words, wallowing in his misery and hangover. 

_ We all have dead people, Jack. _

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Jack.... :( Kath and Davey continue to be the sweetest, Jack continues to be the worst, and so do I, since it took me two weeks to update (AGAIN)
> 
> After an exhausting weekend of working dance recitals I am free and focused on finishing this fic and giving you guys the answers you want!! 
> 
> thanks to sagey baby for editing!!
> 
> always excited to hear what you guys think!! :) 
> 
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	10. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spot says some things he probably shouldn't have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> moooore underage drinking warnings!! apparently there's a theme with that in this fic.

*

“You’s gonna do great.” Spot told Race as he parked the car down the block from the studio Race was auditioning at in a few hours. “You’s here early so ya can get warmed up, Albert’s gonna meet ya for the next audition later, an’ I’ll be right here when ya done.” 

Race almost blushed, unable to meet Spot’s eyes, instead fiddling with a keychain on his dance bag. “I told ya you don’t gotta wait for me,” he insisted, “I’ll be here a while. I’ll just metro back wit’ Al.” 

Spot shrugged. “Nah, I don’t mind. ‘m gonna get food somewhere and meet up with ya.” 

“You’re sure?” Race asked, finally looking up at Spot, who smirked. 

“Yeah, I said so didn’t I?” 

Race nodded. 

“An’ I always say what I mean.” 

Race visibly paled and Spot narrowed his eyes. 

“Are you a’ight?”

“Yeah!” Race said quickly, “Just nervous. I’ll see ya after?”

Spot nodded slowly, not entirely convinced. “Yeah.”

“Great!” Race gathered his stuff and quickly got out of the car, waving at Spot one more time before jogging down the sidewalk a little toward the studio. 

Spot smirked as he watched him go, waving back. 

_ Nerd. _

*

Race tried to ignore how hard his heart was beating and how tingly his hands were getting from anxiety as he walked into the dance studio, shakily signed himself in for the audition, put on his best fake smile as he accepted his number and pinned it to his shirt, and headed into the hallway to stretch before the audition began. 

_ I always say what I mean. _

“No you fucking don’t,” Race muttered to himself as he heard Spot’s words over and over in his head. “You most cert’nly do  _ not _ , Sean Conlon.” 

Two girls stretching near him glanced over at him as he talked to himself and Race gave them an awkward smile before he dropped his head into his lap, hands pulling on his feet straight ahead of him to stretch his hamstrings. He wished that he could forget the past 48 hours. He wished he could erase his own memory so he could focus on something other than stupid Spot Conlon and the stupid things he’d said when drunk. 

Race wished he hadn’t gone back to his dorm for his theraband and phone charger. He wished he hadn’t seen Spot drunk off his ass, drinking alone in their room. He wished he hadn’t tried to stop him. He wished he hadn’t felt so scared seeing Spot so undone. And he  _ really _ wished he hadn’t tried to talk to him. 

_ “Spotty, what’s going on? Why are you….are you drunk?”  _

_ Spot was beyond drunk. He tried to stumble to his feet but fell over almost immediately, knocking down half the contents of his desk in the process. _

_ “Raaaacer!” Spot giggled, actually giggled, and Race wanted to laugh at how ridiculous he sounded. Tough, hardass Spot Conlon was  _ giggling _ and if Race weren’t so worried about him, he would’ve laughed at the foreign sound.  _

_ “Are you okay?” Race asked, gently reaching out to help Spot stand up straighter. “How much did you drink?”  _

_ “Oh man.” Spot giggled again. “Like. Jackie‘s all smashed an’ I wasn’t ‘bout ta let ‘m drink me unda the table so’s I’s all like-” his words were so slurred he was almost unintelligible and he stumbled to the side again, gripping Race tightly as the room spun. “An’ I’s like gotta drink somethin’ too, ‘s my shit, ‘s my idea, right? Drinkin’ ta forget’s not so bad ya know?” _

_ “To forget?” Race asked before he could stop himself, and Spot laughed again, so hard he doubled over and landed on the floor, taking Race with him as he fell over.  _

_ “God, you’re like a ton of bricks,” Race muttered as he untangled himself from Spot’s arms as he watched his roommate laugh to himself as he laid on the floor of their dorm. Race looked around quickly, noting the various alcoholic beverages that were all over the floor. Too many beer cans, a bottle of whiskey and another of vodka, and the fancy tequila that Race had won in a poker game with some seniors.  _

_ “Are you...mixing drinks, Spot? You’re going to get sick, man. What the hell?” _

_ “Gotta forget somehow!” Spot laughed, “Gotta fuckin’ forget.” _

_ “Forget what?” Race asked. _

_ Spot hiccuped. “Like...like….that asshole ‘o beat me bloody an’...an’ ‘e choked Jackie ‘til he was purple n’ I fuckin’ hate that guy an’ I-” Spot started coughing and Race’s eyes widened further.  _

_ “Oh no-, Spotty, don’t throw up-” Race said even as he felt like throwing up hearing Spot’s drunken recounts of abuse.  _

_ Spot stopped coughing and started laughing again as he laid flat on his back on the floor, reaching the hand not in a cast toward Race, who awkwardly took it.  _

_ “I hate that fuckin’ guy,” Spot said through giggles, and Race bit his lip. “Seein’ ‘im was so shitty, oh man. Why did we do that?” he snorted with laughter and squeezed Race’s hand tight, and Race felt his cheeks growing warm with emotion. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Race said lamely, not really knowing what else to say. He knew whatever he said wasn’t going to matter, because Spot was probably too drunk to remember anyway.  _

_ “Hey,” Spot said suddenly, trying to sit up and laughing again as he laid flat on his back instead. “Hey, c’mere.” _

_ “I’m here, Spotty,” Race said softly, running his thumb gently over the back of Spot’s hand. Spot smiled up at him. He had a look in his eyes that Race couldn’t place. _

_ “I think I’m fallin’ in love wit’ you.”  _

_ Race dropped Spot’s hand, his blood going cold.  _

_ “What?” he whispered, looking down at Spot in horror.  _

_ “Fuck, you’s cute.”  _

_ “Stop it,” Race insisted. “You’re drunk.”  _

_ “Yeah,” Spot smiled again, the same look from before filling his eyes, and Race felt like crying. He wanted to hear those words, but he wanted Spot to mean them, and he knew a drunken confession wasn’t a real one.  _

_ “You...you’re drunk.” Race said again, trying to convince himself more than anything.  _

_ “Yeah yeah yeah.” Spot snorted. “Yeah.” _

_ “Okay.” Race took a deep breath, glancing at his now-shaking hands. “I’m gonna go...somewhere. Um...anywhere, actually. You...stop drinking now. Go to bed.”  _

_ “Bed?” Spot asked and Race nodded, sniffing a little.  _

_ “Yeah. Bed.”  _

_ “Bed…” Spot looked up at his bed and Race winced. He quickly grabbed a pillow and blanket and set them up on the floor, pushing Spot toward them gently.  _

_ “There. Go to sleep.” He looked up at the ceiling and willed himself not to cry until he was alone. “Please stop doin’ stupid shit.” his voice shook as he spoke and he tossed the blanket over Spot’s body, curled up on the pillow on the floor. “Go to sleep.” _

_ “Night.” Spot mumbled, burying his face into the pillow.  _

_ Race ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Night.” He stood there for a minute before he hastily cleaned up the beer cans and liquor bottles, turned off the light, and locked the door behind him.  _

_ “Oh fuck,” he muttered, hitting his head against the wall lightly as he stood outside the dorm. “Fuuuuck me.” _

Race blinked, snapping himself back into the moment as his number was called for the audition. He mentally cursed when he realized he hadn’t really stretched, just laid there with his head in his knees for five minutes. The last two days had been awkward and frustrating, and he hated every second of it. He couldn’t focus on anything, especially when Spot was around him, which was all the time. As Race had figured he would, Spot had blacked out and didn’t remember a single thing he did, or said, the other night. He’d been violently sick most of the next day, which Race had gently nursed him through, but Race kept the words he’d said hidden away. Spot had been normal once he recovered from his hangover, like nothing had ever happened. Race wanted to mention something about it, at least tell Spot how scary some of the things he’d said were, but he couldn’t bring himself to bring it up. Not when Spot seemed so fine afterwards. 

So Race awkwardly avoided his best friend at all costs, not saying anything to anyone about the stuff Spot said to him, about his past or about his feelings. Instead it swirled in his head, screaming at him everytime he looked at Spot, and now, thrown in his face again when Spot insisted he says what he means. 

“Five, six, seven, eight!” the audition instructor began and Race shook his head, trying to focus. “Step kick, kick, leap, kick, touch, again! Step kick, kick, kick leap, kick touch again RIGHT, that connects with turn turn out in touch step step kick kick leap kick touch GOOD, AGAIN.”

Race shook his head as he stumbled over the steps that should’ve come easily. He’d done hundreds of combos just like this one over and over but the last several days destroyed his focus and he now struggled to stay on time with any of the steps. 

“Again!”

_ Seein’ him was so shitty, oh man. Why did we do that? _

“Okay now to the left!”

_ Beat me bloody... _

Race groaned, feeling his face grow hot with embarrassment as he tripped on his own feet and almost knocked into the girl next to him. 

“Okay, now in groups!” 

Race sighed with relief as he was separated into the second group, trying to force himself to focus as he watched the first group work the routine across the floor. 

“God, I hope I get it.” the guy next to him whispered, and Race twisted his face a little. 

“Yeah.” he agreed. He smiled as his group took the floor, but his confidence was soon lost as he got two beats behind and messed up the last half of the routine.

“One more time, each group.” the instructor called, and Race rolled his neck, trying to gather himself. 

_ Please, just let this terrible audition end. _ He thought to himself desperately as he watched the group before him and then took the studio floor, this time avoiding his usual favorite place up front and hiding in the back, not staggering out as far. 

“And FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!”

Race put on his best performance grin and started the routine, getting about ten counts in before he missed a step.

_ I think I’m fallin’ in love wit’ you. _

Race’s foot snagged against his jazzpants halfway up his posse and he almost fell from his pirouette. 

_ Fuck, you’s cute. _

“Dammit,” he muttered as the routine finished and he walked to the back of the room in frustration. He waited politely as the judges called out whose numbers were moving on to the next round, not surprised when his number wasn’t called. Race shoved his stuff back into his dance bag, pulling his warm up boots on over his ballet slippers to leave the studio. He clicked on his phone and his stomach rolled as he saw a message from Spot waiting for him.

_ Spotty: You’re gonna do great _

_ Spotty: i’ll come get you when you’re done _

_ Spotty: with starbucks in hand _

Race felt tears pricking in the back of his eyes. He blinked them away, typing back a quick message.

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: I’m gonna meet albert early to go over stuff before the ballet thing, i’ll catch up with you later _

_ Spotty: you’re done early, how’d it go? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: not great :/ got cut. _

_ Spotty: its ok, you’ll get em next time _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST is typing… _

Race sighed, quickly sending back the sunglasses emoji and shoving the phone in his pocket. He wasn’t going to meet Albert early, he was going to walk around the block and listen to loud music and ignore  _ all of this _ as much as he possibly could. He was  _ not _ going to think about how abused Spot had been, how Spot had said that he’s falling in love with him, had called him cute, or that he was so distracted by all of it that he had completely blown an audition for a dance intensive that he  _ should’ve  _ been a shoe-in for. 

Race put on his ray-bans as he stepped out of the studio and into the sunshine. He made it about halfway down the block before he pulled out a cigarette, lighting it easily. As he blew smoke out his nose, he tried to forget about his promise to Spot, that he’d tell him about whatever was bothering him before he turned to cigarettes. 

_ Lot of good talking to you does me, Spot. _

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thoughts, questions, comments, concerns? ;)
> 
> dedicated to sage who requested the prompt "you're drunk" for Sprace about 80 years ago and I saved it to put into this fic! she also edited it so she can feel important. thanks sage!
> 
> PSA that i really do mean it when I say there is a plan, it's just one of those "it gets worse before it gets better" plans. 
> 
> thank you as always for reading!! tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	11. Letters From The Refuge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> catching up with Crutchie, Davey, and Katherine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warnings, sorry for the wait!

*

Crutchie took a deep breath as he sat down at a computer desk, strategically chosen at the end of a row of library desks, where he could quickly get up and move over to the nearby novel section if he had to. If his timing was right, he had about fifteen minutes to himself before he’d have to find the other boys and head back to the van. Being the oldest kid in the house had some perks, he was put in charge of the younger kids, and was allowed to go with to the public library to supervise when the boys had to get study materials for their summer school classes. Which meant he had fifteen minutes for the first time in almost three weeks all to himself, with internet access. 

Crutchie sighed a breath of relief as he logged onto the public computer and quickly opened his email, typing Jack’s email address into it immediately. 

_ To: jcowboykelly@gmail.com _

_ From: crutchinalong@gmail.com _

_ Jackie- _

_ Hey! Let’s start this email out with some important bullet points. _

 

  * __How are you?__


  * _I’m okay._


  * _Guess I wasn’t much help almost 2 weeks ago wow time flies when you’re dying inside (jk jk jk jk i’m trying to be funny)_


  * _Please do not worry about me._


  * _Please don’t make bad choices because of me._


  * _I know you, asshole. Don’t do it._


  * _Check your tumblr periodically (i know you don’t know how the queue works so just check your dumb blog around 3pm every day for fresh memes)_



 

_ ALRIGHT. So you got arrested, that really sucks. Like a lot. And I’m trying not to be mad abt it because I know that won’t do anything productive but like _

_ What the fuck _

_ (That’s right. I said fuck.) _

_ I really really hope you and Spot are okay. You shouldn’t have come here, you shouldn’t have checked on me, you shouldn’t have gotten arrested and I will say whatever I have to to get the cops to believe you’re innocent because you ARE and you weren’t even on the property line bc you’re smart _

_ anyway, _

_ I get it, Jackie. I get it. I get why you hate this guy. I get why Medda made you go to therapy over it (which you should prob still do btw. Like seriously.) This SUCKS, this house is gross, the kids are snotty, Snyder is actually Satan and I get why you hated it so much here. I can’t imagine being a kid who doesn’t know better homes. Not having Medda or you or any sense of what a good foster home or family is, and being thrown into this?? Hell on earth. I’m so sorry this was your start, Jackie. _

_ So here’s what i want you to do! _

_ First! i want you to stop panicking because i know you and you wouldn’t have come all the way back to your worst nightmare if it weren’t because you’re panicking. I’m fine. I promise. I’d tell you if I wasn’t, because you’re my brother and I trust you and we’re always honest with each other. But i’m fine. I’m not hurt, I’m not suffering, I’m not dying, I’m fine. Even Snyder is smart enough not to pick on a disabled kid. _

_ Second! I want you to talk to someone about all of this. Seriously. The Refuge, the system, me, getting arrested (again :(...) all of it. I know how into your head you get about foster care stuff and with me literally only at this computer for the next fifteen minutes, I can’t really be there for you like I want to be and usually am. So talk to Medda, talk to Spot for goodness sakes, literally anyone who understands. (also Katherine would understand if you told her I bet. She’s so good for you.) if all else fails I know for a fact that the school has counseling and you should definitely go to it sometime because you can’t handle everything on your own Jackie.  _

_ Third! Remember that one time in high school? Where we got separated for a few months and you spiraled into despair and got super drunk with Spot and Spot almost crashed his car? Let’s not do that again. Like ever. Please for the love of all that is good, do not do that again. Don’t make bad choices. _

_ Fourth! Medda might’ve already told you abt this but we’re working on a court case against Snyder. Like a real one, to get him out of the foster care system and be charged with child abuse. Because there’s no reason I should’ve been placed here and there’s really no reason why she can’t get me back other than this guy being an asshat and my social worker being stupid. He’s abusive and gross and his kids are terrified of him, and it has to stop. I would never ever make you do anything you’re not comfortable with though, so if you don’t want to be involved with it, that’s okay. Talk to Medda next time you see her, she knows a lot more than I do about how all of that works. Maybe Spot would be interested too? I don’t want to drudge up the past for both of you, but you kinda already did that all on your own.  _

_ Okay my time is almost up (I’m at the library for an hour, it’s been the first time in weeks I’ve left that stupid house). I’ll see you SOON. and I mean that. SUPER SOON. Medda said I should be back home on Wednesday. (Thank God, i’m so tired of this no-phone, no-internet, no-FOOD!!!!!!!!! thing.) I’ll see you then, you better have talked to someone, and you better be calmer because I pinky promise that I am okay.  _

_ Love you. _

_ Your best friend/brother,  _

_ Crutchie :) _

Crutchie nodded as he glanced over the email one more time and pressed send, and then quickly logged out of the computer. He hurried away from the desk, his elbow crutches clicking against the library floor as he gathers the other boys to check out their books. He already felt better.

*

Davey sighed as he pushed around the food on his plate, not really eating anything. He hadn’t had much of an appetite the past few days and his mother had started to notice. Of course that was the one thing she notices, of all his bad habits and issues, she goes for his diet. This happened sometimes, when he was stressed enough, he’d forget to eat or his appetite would disappear. It happened during finals, and if it weren’t for Jack’s constant peppering for him to go to Jacobi’s with him daily, he probably wouldn’t have eaten at all that week.

_ “Dovid you must eat something my dear,” _ Mrs. Jacobs would tell her son night after night.  _ “Is this what happens when you go away to school? You forget how to eat real food?”  _

Davey pushed his plate away, tired of pretending to eat. 

“David love, why aren’t you eating?” Esther asked, forehead creasing with concern as she narrowed her eyes at him. 

“I’m not hungry, Mom.”

“Can I eat yours?” Les asked, and Davey shrugged in response, shoving his plate towards his brother, who immediately started in on Davey’s shoved-around meal. 

The quiet Jacobs’ family dinner was interrupted when baby Isaac started crying in the next room and Esther sighed, leaning back in her chair. 

“David…”

“I got him.” Davey said, standing and going to get the baby, bouncing his little brother on his hip as he carried him back to his mother, quickly making a bottle for him and handing it to Esther, who quieted the baby almost instantly. 

“I’m off,” Mayer Jacobs said, finishing his meal and putting his dish in the sink, kissing his wife’s cheek and ruffling Les’ hair. “Be good, boys.” he told his kids as he went to grab his bag to leave for his night shift job.

“Have a good night, dear.” Esther told her husband.

“You too!” Mayer waved one more time before leaving the townhouse for the evening. 

“Okay,” Esther sighed, rocking the baby on her lap. “Boys you’ll help with the dishes, yes?” 

Les smirked. “David can do mine.” 

Davey rolled his eyes. “David will not do yours. You can do your own dishes.” 

Esther sighed tiredly. “David, please?” 

Davey frowned. “Fine.” 

Les grinned, knowing he’d gotten away with something, finishing off Davey’s dinner. 

“Tomorrow I need you to take Les to Temple for class, run some things to the post office for me, stop at the grocery store, and take the baby to mommy and me, alright David?” Esther started, mentally going through her to-do list. “I’m going out with Mrs. Kaufman and Mrs. Klein down the street for brunch and then I have book club in the afternoon. So I need you to help out.” Esther continued, and Davey’s expression blanked. “And if you could call Sarah and make sure she’s doing alright that would be great, she hasn’t responded to my text messages. And weren’t you going to take an online class over summer, dear? I don’t want you getting behind in your studies just because it’s summer.” 

Davey blinked. It’d been a solid two and a half weeks of non-stop family time, chores, errands and doing things to help his mother. Whatever relaxing he was hoping to do over summer had flown out the window the second he conceded to going home for the summer instead of staying on campus and doing internships. 

“I...what?” Davey asked, having barely listened to a word of what his mother said. 

Esther frowned. “Weren’t you listening?” 

“Yes,” Davey lied, “Ummm...I decided against summer classes, I talked with my friend Katherine and she…”

“I thought you wanted to?” Esther interrupted. 

“Well, I’m already doing a lot-”

“You’re just home,” his mother continued, interrupting again. “You spend most of your time sleeping, you might as well be productive while you’re home.”

“I’ve been doing a lot, Mom.” 

“A lot of napping.” Les jabbed, and Davey shot him an annoyed look.

“Sarah’s being studious, you should be too,” Esther added, “Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean it’s a vacation. I want you keeping up.”

Davey sighed. “Yeah.” He was tired.

“So can you do it?” Esther asked next, standing from the table and bouncing the baby in her arms. “Tomorrow?”

Davey looked down at the dishes on the small kitchen table that he had to do. “Yeah. Temple, post office, grocery store, mommy and me even though I’m not a mom.” 

Esther smiled, putting her free hand on Davey’s shoulder. “And call your sister.”

“Right.” 

“I know I can count on you, David.” Esther said, carrying the baby down the hall to her room to put him down. 

Les smirked at his brother. 

“What?” Davey asked flatly, already irritated by Les’s smug grin.

“Nothing, I just missed you.” 

“No you didn’t.” Davey rolled his eyes. 

“No, I did!” Les snorted. “I missed Mom making you do everything so I don’t have to do anything.”

“Awesome.”

“You should’ve stayed at school with Sarah, she was smart, escapin’ the wrath of Mom for the summer.”

“Can you just  _ shut up _ ?” Davey snapped, sliding back in his chair and starting to clear the table. “You’re no help, you’re just a brat. You don’t get to tell me what to do.” 

Les rolled his eyes, shoving back from his chair too. “Whatever.” he left Davey alone with the messy kitchen. 

Davey groaned, leaning against the kitchen counter instead of starting on the dishes, feeling his anxiety rise in his chest as the stacks of dishes seemed to grow taller and taller, like the to-do list of expectation in his head that kept growing longer and longer. He was about to start the dishes, but pulled out his phone instead, hoping that maybe one of his friends wrote him back, since no one had all day long. Or all week really, which was rather concerning, but he couldn’t do anything about it when his days were filled with errands and chores and taking care of his siblings. He felt bad that he hadn’t made time to talk to his friends, but to be fair, they hadn’t made time to talk to him either, which didn’t feel...great. Davey’s thumb hovered over Katherine’s contact, tempted to call her and figure out why she hadn’t texted him the last few days, when she usually was the first of their friends to write him back, but he was interrupted by his mother yelling at Les in Yiddish down the hall.

“David those dishes better be finished!” he heard his mother’s voice echo across the house and he slid his phone back into his pocket. 

“I’m doing them!” He called back, quickly getting to work, composing texts he almost definitely wouldn’t send in his head while he washed.

*

Katherine threw her bag onto her bed the second she got back to her room, Sarah pulling out a headphone to look at her. 

“Hey. You good?” Sarah asked, and after taking one look at Katherine’s face she knew that her roommate was most certainly not.

“ _ Fine _ .” Katherine ground out. 

“Wow.”

“What?” 

“No, that just is the exact thing a  _ not fine _ person would say.”

Katherine rolled her eyes, flipping her hair over and twirling it into a messy bun on top of her head. 

“I just had a long day,” Katherine muttered, undoing her bra under her shirt and pulling it out her sleeve, throwing it on the floor. “I’m tired.”

“I don’t blame you,” Sarah said, “You’ve only been at this internship for a little less than a week and I feel like I’ve barely seen you.”

“Yeah.” Katherine sat down on her bed and flopped against her pillows, glancing over at Sarah.

“Wanna talk about it?” Sarah offered, pulling her other headphone out and closing her laptop. 

“All I do is edit articles that are already perfect!” Katherine said, crossing her arms in annoyance. “And get coffee. The Starbucks is like two blocks away, it’s  _ not far _ but I’m apparently the only person who knows how to go there.”

“You’re an intern,” Sarah mentioned, “Isn’t that kinda your job?”

“No!” Katherine exclaimed, “I’m supposed to be getting job experience!! Instead i’m a glorified delivery girl! It’s all ‘Katherine take this to so-and-so, Katherine go get lunch, Katherine go get coffee, Katherine go make copies, Katherine hand out the agendas, Katherine forward my calls! And that’s not what I  _ want _ , Sarah.”

“Everyone has to start somewhere, and knowing you, you’re great at all those things,” Sarah offered, “Plus, if they see how good you’re doing at this, you’ll get more responsibility and everything. It’s only week one, K.”

“I just…” Katherine groaned, pressing her hands over her face, starting to get upset. “I’m working really hard, and no one cares, and everything I do is wrong, and I want to be good at this so bad, and it’s just  _ not working _ .” Sarah frowned when she noticed that Katherine was crying under her hands. 

“Kath?” Sarah asked gently, getting off her bed and sitting on her roommate’s. “This isn’t about the internship, is it?”

Katherine shook her head, finally removing her hands and wiping at her tears, smearing mascara across her eyes. 

“Have you talked with Jack at all?” Sarah questioned carefully. She knew about Katherine’s fight with her boyfriend, and she’d offered advice best she could, but she wasn’t really sure how to help.

“No,” Katherine whimpered, wiping at her face. “No. I’m mad at him. If he wants to talk to me he needs to do it.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sarah agreed, putting her hand on Katherine’s shoulder. “But this is making you miserable, Kath.” 

“I don’t want to talk about this.” Katherine insisted, hiding her face in her pillow, staining it with her makeup. 

“It’ll be okay,” Sarah tried, “Just give it some time for both of you to cool down. I’m sure Jack will come to his senses.”

Katherine nodded into her pillow and Sarah sighed a little, patting Katherine’s back. “I’m here for you,” Sarah told her roommate gently, “I’m really sorry you’re so upset.”

Katherine sniffed and sat up, wiping at her face. “It’s okay,” she said with a nod. “You’re right. I’m sure Jack will come to his senses.” She took a deep breath and looked to Sarah. “How’s your day going? Still want me to look at that essay?”

Sarah smiled. “You don’t have to Kath, I’ll just send it to Davey to proof for me. You’ve had a long day.”

Katherine shook her head. “No, no. I don’t mind. I like helping you. Let’s look at it.” Katherine rubbed away the last of her running mascara as Sarah brought her computer over to Kath’s bed to show her the essay. Katherine immediately got to work proofreading it and editing, diving into one more thing to take her mind off how much her heart was aching.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, Crutchie is okay!! I told you so!   
> Davey may or may not be entirely self inserted!
> 
> I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update!! I'm trying to get better at that.   
> Also, if you're enjoying this, check out mine and Disney's (WritingToKeepMySanity) new Summer Newsies fic, Summertime Feelin'! That one's being updated regularly! ;)
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts!!
> 
> Tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	12. Messes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone's a mess are you surprised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never know what warnings to give because they're constantly disasters you know the drill by now.

*

“I hate this,” Spot muttered as he leaned back in the backseat of Medda’s van, “This shirt doesn’t fuck-” he cleared his throat, “Doesn’t fit. Jack.” 

Jack glanced up from his phone and smirked at Spot in the mirror. “Ain’t my fault you don’t got no dress clothes. Ya ain’t wearin’ a t-shirt to court.” 

Spot groaned, tugging on his collar. “I’m choking.”

“You’re fine.”

“My arms don’t fit.” 

He wasn’t lying, his muscular arms were skin-tight against the light blue dress shirt he’d borrowed from Jack, the back so tight it threatened to rip if Spot bent over or flexed. 

“Just suffer for a few hours,” Jack told him, “You wanna open a court case ‘gainst Snyder, ya gotta get court clothes.”

Medda smiled, glancing at Spot in the backseat. “I’ll take you both shopping sometime next week,” she offered, “You need more than two dress shirts, Jack.” 

“Yeah, ‘specially if Spot rips one of ‘em.” Jack muttered, and Spot flicked the back of his head, making Jack turn around to glare at him.

“Can we please  _ pretend _ to be civilized?” Medda teased, “You’re about to go before a judge.” 

“Sorry, Medda.” Both boys groaned and Medda sighed lovingly.

“Alright. This is going to be easy, we finish up here, we go get Charlie, and we go get lunch,” Medda told them, and both Spot and Jack nodded. Medda looked to Jack seriously. “You okay sweetie?”

“I’m good,” He lied, “I just wanna be done wit’ all’a this. An’ see Charlie again.”

“Couple of hours and he’s all yours again, baby,” Medda promised, squeezing Jack’s shoulder lovingly. 

Jack and Spot were both polite and patient as they waited in the court waiting room, holding all their paperwork, Spot pulling at the collar of his (Jack’s) shirt, making small talk while they waited for their case to be called. Medda’s lawyer was confident that their case would be closed with minimal charges, which comforted Jack greatly. 

“How’s ya hand?” Jack asked, poking at Spot’s left hand, newly out of a cast. 

“Fine,” Spot shrugged, “Doc said it’s all healed up, just shouldn’t punch no more walls.”

“Well, I don’t expect ya to keep that promise, knowin’ you’s,” Jack snorted, “Right?”

Spot smirked. “I mean if it means another six fuckin’ months in a cast I’s just oughta learn better anger managin’.” 

“Oh?” Jack laughed, “Since when do ya care ‘bout good copin’ skills?”

Spot rolled his eyes. “Since I spent half a year in a fuckin’ cast.”

Jack shrugged. “Fair ‘nough.”

“So what’s up wit’ you an’ Kath’rine?” Spot asked, careful not to cross his arms and tear on the shirt. “She’s been ghostin’ me whenever I see her so she’s gotta be pissed ‘bout somethin’.”

“We got inna fight,” Jack mumbled, slouching in the chair. “She’s mad at me.”

“The fuck did you do?” Spot nudged him. “Kath’s way out of your league man. Don’t blow it wit’ her.”

“That’s the probl’m,” Jack snapped, “She  _ is _ outta my league. She’s got a good life an’ she don’t got the issues I’s got, an’ it ain’t fair for me to fuck her up too.”

“She told you that?” Spot asked flatly and Jack huffed. 

“Well no, but she-”

“You’re a moron,” Spot rolled his eyes. “Suck it up an’ fix it. Kath’s like the smartest person I know, she prob’ly took one look at ya and could see you’s got issues but it didn’t stop her from carin’ or wantin’ to date ya. Just ‘cuz you’s got low self esteem don’t mean you don’t deserve good people.”

“Since when you’s got any room ta tell me ‘bout my self esteem?” Jack asked, puffing his chest. 

“Since I’s known ya forever.” 

“Like you’s so fuckin’ perfect an’ high an’ mighty,” Jack spat, “You’s plenty fucked up too, Spot. Don’t tell me how to deal wit’ shit.”

“Yeah, ‘m plenty fucked up. But I’m chill ‘bout it.” Spot leaned back in the chair and smirked. 

“Oh yeah? Then why’s Race bein’ distant? He won’t even be alone wit’ ya an’ you wanna tell me ‘bout bein’ chill ‘bout your issues?”

Spot’s eyes flashed at Jack’s jab. “Hey,” he snapped, “Fuck you. Leave it, Jack.”

“Stay outta my relationship, I stay outta yours.”

“Ain’t a relationship,” Spot muttered, attempting to cross his arms and groaning at the tight fabric in his shoulders, relaxing his arms. “Forget it.”

Jack did cross his arms, mostly to spite Spot, and leaned back in his seat. Awkward silence filled the space between the two boys and they stewed in annoyance until Medda’s lawyer came to get them for their hearing. 

“Spot,” Jack said, putting a hand on Spot’s arm as they started into the courtroom, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, I dunno what’s up wit’ Race either, I shouldn’t’ve said that.”  

Spot rolled his shoulders carefully in the dress shirt. “It’s fine. Forget it.”

“No, that was shitty. ‘m sure he’s fine, it ain’t ya fault.”

“Yeah,” Spot didn’t look convinced but he shrugged. “I hope ya talk things through wit’ Kath. Ya guys gotta good thing goin’.”

“Yeah,” Jack sighed. “We did.”

Spot looked like he wanted to say more, but was interrupted by Medda’s lawyer explaining the courtroom etiquette that both boys already knew. Spot and Jack exchanged a look before they entered the room for their hearing, ready for all of this to be over.

*

Jack paced back and forth as he waited for Medda to come out of family court, hopefully with his brother in tow. Spot groaned as he watched Jack pace, balling up the dress shirt he’d changed out of as soon as their case was closed.

“Jaaaaaaack.” Spot tossed the shirt at Jack, who caught it and glared at Spot, slumped over in the chair. 

“What?” Jack demanded, smoothing the shirt and folding it.

“Sit the fuck down, you’s drivin’ me nuts.” Spot crossed his arms, now comfortably in a t-shirt.

“I’m just walkin’.” Jack protested, setting his folded shirt on the chair next to Spot. 

“You’re bein’ annoyin’.” 

Jack rolled his eyes. “You’s just givin’ me shit ‘cuz you’s ain’t eaten yet.”

Spot narrowed his eyes. “Maybe so.”

Jack rolled his eyes, sitting down next to Spot, who held out his phone to show Jack the latest meme that Race had sent to the groupchat. They both snorted, scrolling through the other memes Race sent until the court doors opened and Jack slammed to his feet. 

Medda was grinning when she walked out the doors, hand proudly on Crutchie’s shoulder. Jack felt his whole body deflate with relief as he hurried to his brother, wrapping him in a tight hug, which Crutchie immediately returned. Medda smiled, hugging Jack too, once he let Crutchie go. 

“You’re okay?” Crutchie asked Jack, and Jack laughed, wiping at his eyes as he got emotional. 

“Me? You’s just went through hell an’ you’s askin’ me if I’m okay?” Jack choked out a laugh, hugging Crutchie again. “I’m fine kid, don’t worry ‘bout me.”

Crutchie smiled, patting Jack’s shoulder. “You didn’t email me back.”

Jack laughed, turning as Spot put a hand on his other shoulder. 

“Welcome back to the real world, Crutchie,” Spot teased, giving Crutchie a hug and ruffling his hair. “Good to see ya.”

“Spot!” Crutchie laughed. “Sorry you’s got ‘rrested ‘cuz of me.”

“Nah,” Spot shrugged, “Don’t worry ‘bout it. ‘Sides, we got off wit’ community service. No big deal.”

“Yeah,” Jack said with a nod, “Gotta volunteer at a YMCA for the summer an’ then we’s all good.”

Crutchie nodded. “Well, good.”

“You sure you’s okay?” Jack asked Crutchie again and Crutchie rolled his eyes. 

“Oh geez Jackie, yes,” he looked to Medda, who was politely waiting for the boys to catch up. “Can we go get food now, Medda? Please?” 

“Of course baby,” Medda assured, “Let’s get going. Wherever you want, Charlie.”

Crutchie grinned. “Great. I’m starvin’,” he noted Jack’s momentary look of distress and sighed. “Jackie, it’s okay. You’s prob’ly hungry too, ain’tcha? We’s teenagers, all we do is eat.”

Spot nudged Jack. “Yeah. An’ you’s complainin’ ‘bout me bein’ hungry.” 

Jack sighed and nodded, reaching for his head and groaning not to find a ball cap or his (as Katherine called it) fashion statement newsboy cap. “Yeah yeah,” Jack agreed, “Let’s go.”

*

“Hey!” Spot’s eyes widened with surprise and he tugged the earbuds out of his ears as he stepped into his dorm room, “I thought you were at auditions.” 

Race looked up from his phone where he was laying on his bed and shrugged. “Oh, uh, yeah. I finished them. Accepted the ballet intensive for July and a musical theatre workshop for August.”

“Oh, nice,” Spot tossed his stuff onto his bed. He shifted his weight awkwardly, “You glad ta be done wit’ auditionin’?”

Race shrugged, pulling out his other earbud. “Yeah, guess so.” 

The awkward silence between them grew heavy before Race spoke up again. “Oh, did you have your hearin’ today?”

Spot nodded. “Yeah, just finished. Eight weeks of community service for a minor tresspassin’ charge. Won’t even go on our perm’nent records if we’s complete it all.”

“Oh, good,” Race stood from his bed and started throwing stuff into his dance bag. “An’ Crutchie’s okay?”

“Yeah he’s good, glad ta be back wit’ Medda an’ Jackie ‘gain. He’s in a lot better shape than I’s expectin’ him ta be, so that’s good.”

Race winced, remembering the drunken details Spot had given him about living in his former foster house. “I guess that’s good, right?”

“Yeah, it is,” Spot admitted, sitting on his bed. “Um..” he shrugged. “You headin’ out?” 

“Yeah,” Race said, grabbing his water bottle from his desk and sticking it in his bag. “Al an’ Jojo an’ I are gonna go to the studio an’ play ‘round ‘fore Jojo leaves for Jersey.”

“Cool, have fun,” Spot said. “Wanna get food t’night?” he offered, and Race shrugged. 

“Uh, maybe. I’ll let ya know how late I’ll be, yeah?”

Spot swallowed, nodding. “Sure, yeah,” he said, “Say hey to Jojo an’ Al for me.”

Race nodded and quickly left the dorm, leaving Spot with a pit in his stomach. Spot groaned, running his hands through his hair in frustration. He was sick of things being awkward, he didn’t know what he’d done, what had changed, that now Race couldn’t spend more than ten minutes at a time with him. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to joke around, he didn’t want to watch movies or hang out or anything. Race had even spent the past few nights sleeping over with Albert and Jojo instead of coming back to their room. What had he done wrong?

_ Should’a known better ‘n to open up ta anyone.  _

Spot could feel spite and hurt rising in his chest. He sighed in annoyance as his phone slid off the bed and landed on the floor with a smack, bending over to pick it back up, begging for the screen not to be cracked. Relieved it wasn’t, he sat back up, but his eyes caught something on the ground where Race’s dance bag had been. 

_ A cigarette?  _

Spot frowned and reached to pick up the cigarette, tossing it into the trash. He hesitated before grabbing Race’s favorite hoodie off his chair and smelling it, frowning in anger. It smelled like smoke. He tossed the hoodie back on the chair and kicked at the trash can in frustration, sending the contents across the floor. He angrily yanked his phone from his pocket and typed out a text message to his best friend he knew he wasn’t going to send. 

_ Why the fuck won’t you talk to me?? _

He stared at the blinking cursor next to his words and deleted them quickly, setting his phone back on his desk and cleaned up the mess he’d made.

*

_ “I’m so sick of being the middle-man for you,”  _ Davey’s expression was as annoyed as his tone as he glared at Sarah through the phone screen.  _ “Is it really that hard to talk to Mom once in a while? I’m doing enough, it’s not my job to keep you part of the family communication circle, Sarah.” _

Sarah rolled her eyes, biting the end of her pen. “Oy vey,” she muttered, “You sound like Mom, nagging me all the time. I’m an adult, David! It’s not my job to report everything I say or do to Momma constantly. You should try independence sometime!”

_ “I can’t! Not when I’m living at home and being a live in babysitter.” _

“Like you’ve never had practice at that before,” Sarah shook her head. “So sorry you aren’t taking any classes and you have to live at home where Mom cooks and does your laundry for you every day.” Sarah’s voice dripped with sarcasm and it made Davey cringe with irritation. 

_ “This isn’t my idea of a carefree summer, Suri.” _

“Are you taking four summer classes?” Sarah demanded, holding up study guides from her desk and waving them at Davey through her phone. “No you’re not!”

Davey rolled his eyes.  _ “No, I actually passed all my classes last semester.” _

“Shut up,” Sarah snapped, “We can’t all be Straight A’s, AP Classes since Kindergarten, Photographic Memory David Jacobs.” 

_ “If you tried studying instead of watching Netflix all night you might pass your classes too.” _

“Goodbye, David.” Sarah reached to hang up and Davey rolled his eyes.

_ “That’s right, go ahead, hang up on me AGAIN, ignore my texts and calls until it’s convenient for you.” _

Sarah crossed her arms over her chest in a huff. “What do you even  _ want _ , Dave?”

Davey sighed.  _ “Are you coming home this weekend or not? Mom keeps asking.” _

Sarah shrugged. “I dunno,” she said, “I’ve got a lot of homework I’m behind in and I haven’t decided yet.”

_ “You can’t do homework on the train? Or here?”  _

“I can’t focus at home, you know that.”

_ “You’ll have to learn to focus around our family someday.” _

“Actually, I don’t. I can stay here, because I’m an adult and I can choose to do what I want,” Sarah insisted. “What aren’t you understanding?”

Davey blinked, searching for the words and getting frustrated.  _ “Why are you being like this? We’re part of your life, Sarah. Momma and Dad and Les and the baby too, and especially me, I live down the hall from you.” _

“Always.” Sarah rolled her eyes.

_ “What do you want from me?”  _ he asked earnestly,  _ “To not live down the hall from you? To not go to school with you? To not text or call you? To not care about you? I don’t get it, Sarah, you’re my twin, it’s not like I can just stop caring about you.” _

“No,” Sarah groaned, “Ugh, you’re making this way more complicated than necessary, David, geez.” she shook her head. “Just...I don’t know, give me space. You’re micromanaging me like Mom does, you did it all last semester too.”

_ “No I didn’t! I offered to help you so you wouldn’t fail your classes and you still failed two of them, so, lot of good it did either of us.” _

“I’m not you!! I can’t study like you can, I can’t write like you, I can’t get straight A’s because I’m not David Jacobs, okay?” Sarah shouted, and Davey shook his head tiredly.

_ “Sarah, no one is expecting you to be.” _

“Oh please, like Mom and Dad haven’t been comparing us since the day we were born.”

_ “It goes both ways! David, why aren’t you in summer classes like Sarah? David, why don’t you have as many friends as Sarah? David, why aren’t you as outgoing as Sarah? David, why aren’t you as independent as Sarah?” _

“That’s not true,” Sarah said flatly, “Your insecurities aren’t my fault, David.”

_ “Yeah, well, yours aren’t mine either.”  _

Sarah huffed, lips pursed with annoyance. “I gotta go,” she said after a minute of tense silence filling the space between them, “I have class.”

_ “Whatever,”  _ Davey sighed,  _ “Call Mom and tell her if you’re coming home or not. This isn’t my job.” _

“Bye.” Sarah said flatly, jabbing an annoyed finger at the  _ end call _ button, watching Davey’s face disappear from her screen. She spun her chair around, groaning in frustration before shoving her study guides in her bag and leaving her dorm.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay! another chapter i took way too long to update! thank you to sage for helping edit for me. and to disney for helping me brainstorm!
> 
> I have exactly one month until I move, which means I am giving myself one month to finish this darn fic and complete this story!! Thank you for all sticking with it, I hope to have tons more to post very soon!! 
> 
> I'd love to hear your thoughts as always!! Tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins


	13. Avoidance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a text message chapter where everyone's avoiding talking about their feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I'M ALIVE and I have not forgotten about this story! I've got plenty of excuses that I'll put in the bottom notes if anyone wants them. No warnings for this chapter, I hope you enjoy! I just keep making things worse!

 

*

_ Spotty: hey want coffee? I’m leaving shop now _

_ Spotty: race _

_ Spotty: race _

_ Spotty: race _

_ Spotty: coffee _

_ Spotty: ??? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: i’m hanging with albert its ok we’re going into midtown to lottery a show tonight _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: thanks tho _

_ Spotty: kk _

_ Spotty: have fun _

_ * _

_ Davey: hey how is everything? How’s your sculpting class? You doing ok? _

_ Davey: My mom is driving me nuts lol _

_ Davey: it’s only been like a few weeks and i’m losing my mind _

_ Jack: i’m fine. Class good. Sorry your mom is crazy _

_ Jack: i like the baby pics in the snap group tho hes cute _

_ Davey: haha yeah he is _

_ Davey: save our streak _

_ Jack: on it _

_ * _

_ Spotty: bring me schmackarys pls _

_ Spotty: i’ll pay u _

_ Spotty: which shows are you doing lottery for? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: kinky boots once on this island and wicked _

_ Spotty: nice good luck _

_ Spotty: is that a yes for schmackarys _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: yes _

_ * _

_ Katherine: email me your essay so i can print it at work _

_ Sarah: thank you!! I owe u big time _

_ Katherine: lol don’t worry about it! I’ll be back around 6! _

_ Sarah: want to get food tonight? If it stops raining lol _

_ Katherine: sure! Chinese? :) _

_ Sarah: u got it babe _

_ * _

_ Davey: hey how’s everything? Haven’t talked to you lately _

_ Davey: how’s your internship going? _

_ Katherine: it’s good! Busy! _

_ Davey: how are things with jack? Have you talked with him yet? _

_ Katherine is typing… _

_ Katherine is typing… _

_ Katherine: not really. I’ve been busy. He’s barely been on campus idk what’s been going on with him _

_ Davey: :( oh _

_ Davey: make sure you take care of yourself! Even though you’re busy.  _

_ Katherine: thanks davey :) miss you! _

_ Davey: miss you too!  _

_ * _

_ Jack: hey _

_ Jack: thought you might like this song _

_ Jack has sent a link: Bright Whites by Kishi Bashi _

_ Kath<3 is typing… _

_ Kath<3 is typing… _

_ Kath<3: thanks _

_ Kath<3: add it to the playlist _

_ Jack: ok _

_ * _

_ Spot: where the hell have u been the last few days _

_ Jack: meddas why _

_ Spot: bc you’re being a dick to katherine _

_ Jack: i texted her yesterday shes fine _

_ Spot: but you guys aren’t fine _

_ Jack: leave me alone _

_ Spot: are you even going to your class _

_ Jack: why do you care spot _

_ Jack: also yes but only bc davey made me put a reminder on my phone whatever _

_ Spot: i don’t care. but i don’t want to see u fail after watchin u lose ur shit over a C last semester  _

_ Jack: fuck off _

_ Jack: it’s an art class i’ve got this in the bag _

_ Jack: did u go to community service yet _

_ Spot: i start tomorrow _

_ Spot: did u? _

_ Jack: no i’m starting next week i think. _

_ Spot: cool _

_ * _

_ Davey: why can’t you text our mom back sarah oy vey _

_ Sarah: why can’t our mom text me less tbh _

_ Sarah: that’s the real question _

_ Davey: can you not _

_ Sarah: :) _

_ Davey: seriously. Text her once in a while she doesn’t leave me alone about you _

_ Sarah: lol sorry dave _

_ Davey: i never should’ve come home for summer _

_ Sarah: told u so _

_ Davey: yeah _

_ * _

_ Spotty: hey are you around? I wanted to go see that new marvel movie wanna come _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST is typing… _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST is typing… _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: I’m leaving tonight remember? _

_ Spotty: oh shit yeah _

_ Spotty: sorry _

_ Spotty: want me to wait til you’re back to see it? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: nah go see it if you want.  _

_ Spotty is typing… _

_ Spotty: ok _

_ Spotty: have fun with al this week, don’t get eaten by mosquitos _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: lol no promises _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: thanks  _

_ * _

_ Race: hey how are u it’s been like 80 years _

_ Jack: i’m good how’s camping? _

_ Race: its fun _

_ Race: hot _

_ Race: also it’s gross and i hate being outside _

_ Race: but al and i are having fun _

_ Jack: lol nice _

_ Race: there’s no wifi so i can’t find memes :( _

_ Jack: t r a g i c  _

_ Race: tragic!at the disco _

_ Jack: lmao _

_ Race: how’s spot doing? Is he ok? _

_ Jack: ?? yeah i think so, why _

_ Race: just askin _

_ Race: nvm _

_ Jack: are things ok with u guys _

_ Race: yeah we’re fine _

_ Jack: are you sure?  _

_ Race: no yeah it’s all good i dont think my messages are going thru to him so i just wanted to make sure _

_ Jack: okay _

_ Jack: we’re good here dont worry _

_ Jack: crutchie says hi _

_ Race: tell my son i love him _

_ Jack: he says he loves u too _

_ Race: :) proud _

_ * _

_ ROOMIE FAM CHAT: _

_ Katherine: I just spilled coffee all over my favorite blouse and got hit on twice on my walk back to the office someone put me out of my misery please _

_ Spot: good ol new york puttin on its charm for kathy _

_ Sarah: someone save kath’s blouse! _

_ Race: Someone Stop The Men From Hitting On My Mom _

_ Katherine: omg _

_ Sarah: do u want me to bring u another blouse i’m going into midtown to that coffee shop i like _

_ Katherine: nah its ok knowing me i’ll prob spill more coffee on it so its fine _

_ Race: RIP kath’s clothes _

_ Spot: RIP _

_ Sarah: RIP _

_ Katherine: RIP _

_ Jack is typing... _

_ *chat has been seen by everyone* _

_ * _

_ Jack has sent a photo _

_ Davey: oh cool! Did you make that in class? _

_ Jack: at the moma class. It’s super fun. You’d like my professor he’s so eccentric  _

_ Davey: nice!! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it _

_ Davey: you should teach art classes, you’d be a great eccentric professor _

_ Jack: lol i’m going to! I’m teaching art at the YMCA this summer _

_ Davey: woah really?? Did you get a job there? _

_ Jack is typing… _

_ Jack is typing… _

_ Jack: its community service. Spot has to do it too but i think he’s doing gym classes or something. Its cool they let us pick what we did though. _

_ Davey: oh! That’s cool, i hope it goes well! _

_ Jack: thanks. My first day is tomorrow. I’m kinda nervous lol _

_ Davey: don’t be, you’re an awesome artist and you’re great with kids, you’ll probably love it _

_ Jack: thanks davey:) _

_ * _

_ Jack has sent a photo _

_ *Kath<3 has seen your photo* _

_ * _

_ Spotty: how’s camping? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: its fun! _

_ Spotty: nice. its super boring here without u tbh _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST is typing… _

_ *read 4:43pm* _

_ * _

_ Spotty: i started community service today _

_ Spotty: it was actually really good, i have to teach gym classes it’s cool _

_ Spotty: I kinda wish i went to YMCA programs and shit when i was a kid, its so cool and free _

_ Spotty: if u sing that song tho i’ll kill u _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: yOUNG MAN _

_ Spotty: no _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: I SAY YOUNG MAN _

_ Spotty: blocked _

_ * _

_ Kathy: hey i need like 12 scones for a meeting do you have any at the shop? _

_ Spot: yeah i do. What flavors? _

_ Kathy: what do you have? _

_ Spot: cranberry orange (i think), blueberry, vanilla, lemon _

_ Kathy: I’ll have 3 of each! I’ll pick them up in an hour is that okay? _

_ Spot: sure. I’ll save them for u _

_ Kathy: thank you so much! :) _

_ * _

_ Davey: CALL MOM BACK _

_ Davey: WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU  _

_ Davey: YOU’RE ALWAYS ON YOUR PHONE _

_ Davey: IT TAKES FIVE MINUTES _

_ Davey: YOU JUST READ MY TEXTS AND DON’T RESPOND WHATS WRONG WITH YOU _

_ Davey: ITS SO ANNOYING SARAH _

_ Sarah: sorryyyyyyyyyy she drives me crazy _

_ Davey: Welcome to my world!! _

_ Sarah: what does she even want? _

_ Davey: Idk! You to be involved? You to care abt her? Or our family? To visit? To help with the baby? To help plan Les’ mitzva? Just be a member of the family Suri _

_ Sarah: jeez what’s got you all bitchy _

_ Davey: Call mom. _

_ Sarah: fine _

_ * _

_ GOOD OL STRIKE BOIS: _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ Spotty: thanks i hate it _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ JackieBoi: stop _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ ALladdin: fuck off _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ JojosCircus: LOLOLOL _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ Kathy: how do i unsee something _

_ RAAACE: u can’t _

_ RAAACE: if i had to suffer so do all of u _

_ DaveyTheBravey: I wish I knew how to remove myself from a chat _

_ Kathy: ditto _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ JackieBoi: OH MY GOD STOP _

_ RAAACE: :DDDD _

_ ElmTree: pls _

_ ElmTree: pls let this stop _

_ RAAACE: When Has Anyone Ever Successfully Stopped Me _

_ RAAACE has sent an image _

_ ALaddin: look at race, losing friends by the minute _

_ Sarah: RIP _

_ Kathy: RIP _

_ JackieBoi: RIP _

_ DaveyTheBravey: RIP _

_ Spotty: RIP _

_ RAAACE: fuck all of u _

_ JojosCircus: ily race _

_ RAAACE: :D _

_ JojosCircus: not ur memes tho _

_ RAAACE: D: _

_ * _

_ Jack: check your email _

_ Kath<3: thanks. _

_ * _

_ Spotty: when are you coming backkkkk _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: lmao friday i think _

_ Spotty: ugh its been forever _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST is typing… _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: lol yeah _

_ Spotty: u don’t even like the outdoors _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: i really dont tbh _

_ Spotty: so like come home _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: i will lol _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: how’s community service? _

_ Spotty: its good i actually kinda like it _

_ Spotty: i like being busy _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: yeah _

_ Spotty is typing… _

_ Spotty is typing… _

_ Spotty is typing... _

_ Spotty: hey are we okay? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST is typing… _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: ??? _

_ Spotty: idk i feel like things have been weird and then u left and idk _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: just bad reception in the mountains. _

_ Spotty: ok _

_ * _

_ Jack: hey can we talk? Please? _

_ Jack: I really miss you. I want to talk. _

_ Jack: I started counseling. Like with a therapist. I hate it, but Medda and Charlie are making me keep it up _

_ Jack: and i really want to fix things between us _

_ Jack: I miss you _

_ Kath<3: you’re going to therapy? _

_ Jack: yeah. Wednesdays. After community service. _

_ Kath<3: that’s really good. I’m glad to hear that. _

_ Jack: can we talk soon? _

_ Jack: please? _

_ Kath<3: yeah. I work until 5. Dinner? _

_ Jack: I can bring Jacobi’s back to my dorm if you want? I kinda want to talk in private _

_ Kath<3: yeah that’s fine. You know what i like. _

_ Jack: :) just text when you’re on your way home, i’ll go there before. _

_ Kath<3: okay :) _

_ * _

_ Spotty: do you need a ride from the train station tmrrw? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: nah i’ll just metro back _

_ Spotty: you’re sure? _

_ RACE IS THE COOLEST: yeah _

_ Spotty: ok _

_ * _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excuses excuses! I know it's been over a month since I last updated, I am so so sorry! I dealt with a lot of really rough family stuff this summer and then moved away from home to finish college in the same city as our favorite newsies, New York City! And honestly, living in the city I'm writing about makes it a lot more fun and realistic, and I've had lots of cute oneshot ideas just from walking around and trying to be a successful New Yorker. First day of classes starts tomorrow but I want to keep on writing and updating as much as I can! Thank you for being patient with me, and extra thank you to the friends on tumblr who checked in! you all are too sweet <3
> 
> extra thanks to Sage for betaing this like a month ago RIP
> 
> tumblr: gracetrack-higgins


	14. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Katherine talk, Spot reunites with an old friend!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for mentioned child abuse, arrests, and sibling death, but nothing graphic. I'm sorry this took so ridiculously long. notes and updates at the bottom! enjoy!

*

Spot sighed as he slid his phone back into his pocket and tried not to let the pit in his stomach bother him. Race had been gone for a week camping with Albert and his family upstate, and Spot would be lying if he said he didn’t miss his best friend. What he missed even more was when things were normal between them. He wasn’t sure what happened or when it’d changed, but something was definitely off with Race. They’d been so good before Race decided last minute to join Albert camping, and he wasn’t sure what was going on. Whatever it was, he was pretty sure it was his fault, because Race couldn’t seem to stand being around him anymore.

If Spot had feelings, they’d be hurt.

Spot was tired. He’d been working nonstop, and between the summer business class he was taking, community service, and his job at the coffee shop, he barely had any time to himself. And even if he did have time to himself, he doubted that his friends really wanted to spend time with him, all of them caught up in their own issues. He didn’t blame any of them - summer had already brought so much change to their normal dynamic, Spot just wished it’d go back to normal soon. He’d barely even seen Jack lately, just between their shifts at the YMCA. At least he seemed to be doing a bit better.

Spot finished putting away the gym equipment, double checking that he had cleaned up after his class. Community service had ended up being better than he thought it would be, he liked working with kids, he liked playing sports with them all day, and he was insanely relieved that his sentencing didn’t include a fine. Spot was just about finished cleaning up, exhausted after his last class of the day, ready to go back to his dorm and sleep when he heard a familiar voice.

“Sean?” Spot’s eyes widened and he spun around.

“Danielle!” Spot didn’t hide his surprise. He almost didn’t recognize his ex-girlfriend at first, but he’d recognize her voice anywhere. “Hey.”

“Hey.” Danielle smiled. “What are ya doin’ here?”

Spot hesitated, glancing around. “I...I’m doin’ community service.”

“Community service,” Danielle repeated skeptically, and Spot nodded.

“Uh, yeah.” He hesitated again, but opted for honesty. “Jack an’ I got arrested a few weeks ago, we gotta do eight weeks of community service.”

“You got arrested?” Danielle’s expression fell, the unspoken again hanging in the air. “Are you okay?”

Spot brushed it off. “Yeah. No big thing.”

She nodded, narrowing her eyes a little.

“So...what are you doin’ here?” Spot asked, and Danielle smiled brightly.

“Oh! I work here. I gotta job workin’ in their offices. I love it.”

Spot nodded. “That’s great,” His eyes looked Danielle up and down. “You look real good, Dan.”

“So do you.” Danielle agreed.

“Ya changed your hair.” Spot noted, and Danielle grinned, running a manicured hand through her short brown hair.

“Yeah, I did,” Danielle’s usual hairsprayed jet black hair was now a chin length cut with her natural brunette color. The gaudy makeup she’d normally worn was now more natural and simple, but her nails were still as extravagant as ever. She looked happy, which surprised Spot more than he thought it would. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever seen her look this happy. Her expression wasn’t tight with a scowl, her body language was relaxed, her eyes bright, and she looked genuinely happy to see him. “I changed a lotta things.”

“Yeah?” Spot asked, and Danielle nodded.

“Yeah.”

“It’s been awhile,” Spot admitted. “How’s everythin’ been, Dani?”

Danielle smiled proudly. “Great, act’lly. And other than gettin’ arrested, you doin’ good too?”

Spot nodded, not so convincingly, and Danielle put a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s really good to see ya again, Sean. I’m sorry it’s been so long.” She shifted her weight, clearly trying to decide what else to say. “An’ I’m sorry for how we left things. Real sorry.”

“Yeah,” Spot said awkwardly, carefully taking a step back from her, her hand dropping from his shoulder. “It’s good to see ya too, Dan. I’m glad you’re doin’ good.”

Danielle nodded, looking away. “I’ll...see you around work, then?”

Spot nodded as he gathered his things and started to leave. “Sure, yeah. I’ll see ya.”

*

“You’re gonna talk ta Kath today, right Jackie?” Crutchie asked, spinning around in his desk chair as he watched Jack draw in his sketchbook, lying on his stomach on Crutchie’s bed in Medda’s house.

“Yeah yeah,” Jack said with a nod. “I will. I mean it.”

“Ya can’t chicken out no more.”   

“I won’t, geez.”

“We’s gonna give people clear commun’cation’s about what we need, yeah?”

“Yep.” Jack pressed his tongue between his lips as he focused.

“An’ we’s gonna explain the whole story?”

“Yeah.” Jack agreed.

“I ain’t got no secrets, Jackie. We don’t gotta hide.” Crutchie insisted, and Jack looked up from his book, nodding.

“I know it, Charlie. I know. I’m workin’ on not carin’ or wantin’ ta hide.”

“I know ya are.” Crutchie said gently, “Me an’ Medda are proud of ya.”

Jack almost blushed, looking back to his sketchbook. “Yeah, thanks.” he mumbled.

Jack didn’t want to admit that he was benefiting so much from counseling, but he was. He was doing a lot better, getting real help to work through his issues, and making amends with the friends he felt like he’d wronged. He and Crutchie talked a lot, and Jack had been spending more time at Medda’s house than in his dorm, but he was making progress. Jack felt better about things than he had in a long time, and he was glad that he had people to help pull him out of the pit that he’d dragged himself into.

“You’s doin’ real good, Jackie,” Crutchie added, “I know it ain’t easy.”

Jack sighed, looking up from his book. “Thanks, Crutch. I still feel like it ain’t me who should be the center of attention on this one,” he admitted. “You’s the one what just got trapped in a bad home for a month.”

Crutchie shrugged, spinning in the desk chair again. “It was just a month. An’ it’s not like I ain’t in therapy too, Jack.”

“I know, I know,” Jack agreed. “I’m just…” he groaned a little, rolling off Crutchie’s bed to stand. “I’m real glad you’s home. An’ ya ain’t hurt.”

Crutchie nodded, putting his hand on Jack’s arm. “I’m sorry ya were,” he said, “An’ I’m glad we’s workin’ through it now. An’ ‘ccordin’ to Medda’s lawyer, we’s gonna make sure that bastard is put away for good.”

Jack nodded, trying to convince himself that testifying in court was a good idea. It wasn’t going to just be him, Crutchie, Spot and a few other kids who’d been in the house with Crutchie were also testifying. His therapist continued to work with him on it, reminding him that this was something he could do to get closure on that time of his life, which Jack definitely wanted, but… it was still absolutely terrifying.

“Yeah,” Jack said, clearing his throat. “Right,” he glanced at his watch, then back to Crutchie. “I guess I oughta go, I got class in an hour.”

“Go on,” Crutchie said with a smile. “I’ll see ya later?”

Jack nodded, ruffling Crutchie’s blonde hair before he put his sketchbook back in his backpack and slung it over his shoulder.

“See ya!” he said with a smile, and started down the hall.

*

Jack started longingly down the hallway at Katherine’s door, debating on knocking on it even though he knew she wasn’t back from her internship yet. He looked back to the somewhat romantic dinner he’d set up; an overturned bin with a moderately clean painting drop-cloth draped over it for a table, a fake battery operated candle leftover from last Halloween flickering in the center, their favorite meals from their favorite diner set out nicely on plastic plates and two pillows on the floor to act as chairs. He grinned, proud of his efforts. He was really trying, and after over a month of trying to disappear and self-destruct, it felt nice to do something fun again. Even if he was nervous as hell.

“Hey,” Katherine waved from down the hall as she got off the elevator, hauling a tote bag filled with papers. “Give me a second to put my stuff down, leave your door unlocked for me?”

Jack felt his stomach flip and rolled his eyes internally at himself for being so nervous around his girlfriend. They weren’t broken up after all. A break wasn’t broken…

“Uh, yeah, you got it. See ya in a few?”

Katherine nodded and closed her dorm door behind her, Jack leaving his ajar as he went back to sit on one of the pillows to wait anxiously for his girlfriend.

“Aww,” Katherine said as she walked into his room only moments later, changed out of her work clothes and in comfortable leggings and t-shirt. “Look at you, trying to be romantic.”

Jack smirked, momentarily forgetting his nerves and gesturing dramatically to the pillow on the opposite side of the makeshift table.

“Madame,” he said, and Katherine snorted.

“And they say chivalry is dead,” Kath deadpanned as she sat down across from him and opened her favorite power salad.

Jack unwrapped his sandwich (pastrami on rye with extra pickles), and focused on eating instead of the awkward silence filling the room between them.

“So...” Katherine broke the silence first, not looking up from her salad.  

Jack winced, swallowing his bite of food quickly. “How’s everythin’ going?” he asked quickly, “Internship good an’ all that?”

Katherine looked up, nodding. “Yeah,” she hesitated. “Jack I don’t want to make small talk, I want to fix things.”

Jack finally looked up to meet Kath’s eyes. “Me too. I miss ya, Ace. A lot.”

Katherine nodded. “I miss you too.”

“I’m real sorry for everythin’ I did, an’ said, an’ whatever. I’ve been goin’ through some stuff an’ acted immature an’ dumb an’ pushed everyone away when I needed help. I shouldn’ta yelled at ya the way I did, an’ I shouldn’ta acted so shitty the last couple’a months.”

“Yeah,” Katherine sighed. “I’m sorry I yelled at you too. I know you’ve been upset, I just really want to help and I was so frustrated you wouldn’t let me and-”

“Please don’t apologize Kath’rine,” Jack said, “You don’t gotta. This is my mistake ta fix.”

Katherine pursed her lips. “Can you tell me what’s been going on?” she asked. “Are you really going to therapy and stuff?”

Jack nodded immediately. “I am. Miss Medda’s makin’ me go, but I know I gotta. I’m an adult, I gotta act like one, right?”

Katherine smiled slightly, nodding. “I’m really proud of you Jack, that’s a really hard step. I’m glad you’re doing it though.”

“Thanks, Ace.” Jack wiped at his nose and looked away, trying to figure out what to say next. “I...I know I got explainin’ to do, but it’s complicated and about my past and I needja to promise that ya ain’t gonna like, I dunno-” he groaned, shaking his head. “This is dumb.”

“Jack,” Katherine reached across their makeshift table for his hand. “You aren’t going to say anything that will make me think any less of you. I promise.”

Jack winced but nodded. “‘Kay.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he picked at his sandwich. “Okay. Good. I...good.”

Katherine took a bite of her salad and watched Jack weigh his words.

“So here goes,” Jack said. “My ma died when I was five, an’ my dad when I was seven, so I got put in the foster system real young. I got moved ‘round a lot, mos’ly in the city, sometimes Jersey, sometimes upstate, an’ I got inta a lotta trouble as a kid. When I was like, thirteen, I got put in a real shitty foster home. For real bad kids. It’s in Queens, it’s awful. The guy who runs it…” Jack trailed off and Katherine gently moved to sit next to him instead of across. She put a hand on his knee and squeezed it lightly, filling him with reassurance.

“The guy who runs it is named Snyder. We called him Snyder the Spider, ‘cuz we hated him. I met Spot in that home and we’s been friends since.”

Katherine nodded, motioning for Jack to continue.

“Anyway, I lived there for about a year ‘fore I was moved ‘gain. An’ then I moved back there, an’ switched again, and again...happened like four or five times by the end of it. An’ each time it got worse.”

Katherine frowned. “What got worse?”

“Uh,” Jack cleared his throat, “he was a violent guy, so…”

“Oh, Jack.” Katherine whispered sadly, and Jack felt his shoulders tense.

“Yeah,” he muttered, rolling his shoulders to relax them. “So it got worse. For Spot too, he’d been back an’ forth even more ‘n me. An’ that last time I was there he ran, an’ I got in trouble for it. But it don’t matter, the point is the place was hell, an’ when Snyder had me arrested an’ sent to juvie an’ I got out and was placed with Medda an’ Crutchie I thought I’d never have ta see him again.”

“I had no idea, Jack, I’m so sorry.” Katherine gently hugged his arm, releasing him as she noticed him tense up again.

Jack sighed. “Sorry. I’ve been feelin’ real jittery lately, I’m tryin’ to work on it.”

“I don’t have to touch you if you don’t want me to,” Katherine said gently. “I understand.”

Jack nodded. “Just...I’ll make the move, yeah? Thinkin’ ‘bout Snyder makes me jumpy an’ react bad.”

Katherine nodded seriously. “Understood. It’s okay.”

Jack sighed. “So uh, after the strike an’ stuff, Crutchie got inta big trouble wit’ his social worker. Like big trouble. An’ he got sent to that home. With Snyder.”

“Oh, God,” Katherine gasped. “Jack.”

“I only told Spot.”

Katherine leaned back on her pillow-seat and looked to Jack with understanding. “Oh babe.”

“You’s smart, I’m sure you’ve got it figured out now.”

“You and Spot went to make sure he was okay and got arrested for trespassing because Snyder hates you.” Katherine said immediately, “And being arrested because of him brought up bad memories of the first time it happened and oh-” She shook her head. “Jack no wonder you spiraled so bad. I’m so so sorry.”

Jack blushed, wiping at his face. “Yeah. Yeah, that ‘bout sums it up.”

“I wish you’d told me sooner,” Katherine said gently after a few moments of silence between them. “I wish I could’ve helped. I hate that you went through all this alone.”

“I know.” Jack shook his head. “I just...afta’ you an’ Davey got so spooked when me an’ Spot got ‘rrested, which I don’t blame ya for, I didn’t wanna freak ya out more, ‘specially when you’s so busy with workin’ internships and stuff. I didn’t wanna make my problems any worse by draggin’ other people in, an’ I know that’s a bad reason, an’ I know I said dumb shit when we fought but…” Jack shifted his weight on his pillow. “But I kinda meant some of it, Kath. You’s got this real nice put-together life, an’ I didn’t wanna mess it all up because’a who I am. No matter what kinda school I go to, or how successful I am, I’m always gonna be an orphaned foster kid from the Lower East Side, an’ I’m always gonna be dealin’ with this stuff, an’ I’m always gonna freak out over stuff’s what I can’t change.”

Jack sighed, looking away from Katherine. “An’ I think you’s better than that Kath, you’s the most amazin’ girl I’ve ever met, you should be wit’ someone just as amazin’.”

Katherine snorted.

“What?” Jack asked, and Katherine smirked at him.

“Jack, I think you’re pretty amazin’.”

“I’m bein’ serious.”

“So am I,” Katherine insisted. “Listen. I’m sorry I snapped at you when we fought, but I’m really really sick of people deciding what I deserve and what’s best for me. I make those decisions. And I choose you, Jack.”

“You do?”

“Yeah, I do. You’re my best friend, you listen to me, you laugh at my dumb jokes, you make me smile, you like my playlists, you make me appreciate the beauty in silly things, you let me rant about academia, you love the things I love because I love them, you’re so intelligent and kind and passionate and just incredible. I love you, I really do. I’m honored to be your girlfriend.”

Jack smiled. He reached a hand to her, and she took it instantly.

“I’m so sorry I messed things up ‘tween us, Kath.”

“I forgive you.”

“An’ I’m sorry I said the shit I did about funerals an’ all that, I should’ve known better ‘n that. I was real stuck in my head.”

Katherine nodded, remembering her biting words ‘We all have dead people, Jack.’ She hesitated, holding Jack’s warm hand tight and scooting closer to him again, leaning into his arm.

“My sister Lucy died when I was sixteen.” she said softly, eyes boring into Jack’s sandwich on their makeshift table. “She was hit by a drunk driver, walking home from a lecture late one night. It happened out of nowhere. She was my best friend and role-model, everything I wanted to be and my family didn’t approve of. And when I lost her…” Katherine shrugged. “I had nobody. My brothers weren’t as close with Lucy as I was, and they had each other. My parents obsessed over me and my grades and turning me into the daughter they lost. I went through grief counselors like crazy, and I still see someone now, which is why I’m really glad you’re starting therapy too, but...yeah.”

“I’m…” Jack shook his head, running his thumb gently over the back of Katherine’s hand in his. “I’m so sorry, Katherine. I didn’t know. You never said…” Jack bit his lip and let her finish talking, resting his cheek against her soft hair on his shoulder.

“I don’t tell anyone about my family or background. I know I’m privileged, Jack. I know I have both parents and didn’t grow up hungry or abused or anything like that. And I don’t dare compare my hurt to yours, not on any level. But you don’t have to do it alone. I wish I didn’t have to be alone when I lost Lucy, but I learned to be. And I can tell you’ve learned to be alone too.”

Jack nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I had Crutchie, but when somethin’ happened ta him…”

“I know.” Katherine said softly. “Maybe we can be there for each other? Instead of being alone? I know it’s hard, and I can’t understand some of the things you deal with, and you can’t understand mine, but we can still support each other, you know? If...if you want to.”

Jack smiled hesitantly, wrapping an arm around Katherine’s shoulders. “You ain’t mad at me?”

Katherine shook her head. “No, of course not. I understand what happened, and why you reacted the way you did. And I know you’re working through it. I’m not mad, Jack.”

“I...I got arrested. An’ I got drunk an’ woke you up an’ yelled at you an’-”

“Stop,” Katherine insisted, turning Jack’s face with her hand to look at her. “You already apologized and explained yourself, and I said I forgive you. Stop making yourself feel guilty over things that weren’t your fault and mistakes you made that you already said sorry for. I’m not mad at you.”

“Yeah?” Jack asked, and Katherine nodded.

“Yeah.”

Jack kissed Katherine’s forehead. “Thank you.”

“Thank you.”

“I’d love to be there for you. For us to be there for each other. You’s my best friend, Ace.”

“And your mine, Jack. So I’d really like that.”

“An’...” Jack hugged his arms around her tight. “You’s still my girlfriend, right?”

Katherine smiled, looking up at him. “If you want me to be.”

Jack felt relief flood through him. “Of course I do, are you kiddin’ me? You’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, an’ I mean that.”

Katherine smiled wider as Jack leaned down to catch her lips in a kiss.

“Thank you for trustin’ me,” Jack whispered between kisses. “I know it’s important.”

“You too,” Katherine replied, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Thank you for letting me in.”

Jack kissed her more, running his hands down her back to rest on her hips.

“I love you,” he whispered, and Katherine parted their faces to rest her forehead against his.

“I love you too.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as promised...Danielle is back! more of her to come! and we finally have some closure on Jack and Katherine's issues!!! 
> 
> wow so i,,,took my sweet time updating huh??? i'm sorry! i had an amazing first semester at school in NYC, and I've truly found my home there. I haven't forgotten about this story, I promise. It's been a rough couple of months with lots of change and progress and emotions but things are looking up and I will continue to work on this story!! Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me and this story, there's more to come!!! love you all so much, happy new year!! I hope your 2019 is a great one!
> 
> tumblr: @gracetrack-higgins 
> 
> ps: thanks to my girlfriend sage for betaing for me. love u honey!


End file.
